Summer Revelations

I never write very much in the summer, but I'm tired of looking at that picture of Jamie and the haunted attic. So here are some things I've learned this summer thus far:

1. Don't eat at Denny's.

Here I observed a HUGE woman demand 2 extra gravies, hand feed her "service" dog shrimp and gravy, watch him throw up the shrimp and gravy, ask her friend whether dogs have shellfish allergies, and then give him more shrimp. Which he vomited. Next to my table. I don't know what service this poor overweight collie provided other than eating this lady's extra food. Needless to say, Mina insisted on eating her breakfast alone in the parking lot as this was preferable to dining next to THAT. The silver lining of this encounter was that I got to hear someone say, "Don't box that up, I don't think the dogs will eat coleslaw.

2. Being a Good Neighbor can Lead to one of the Worst Things in the World: a Cat Enema.

It's true. My cat Scout as been the model of community involvement: playing with neighbor kids, killing and delivering small animals to all the houses down the block, protecting our area from other cats, helping with groceries... and what does he have to show from it? Small animal bones obstructing his bowel, that's what.

3. The guy who rode past me on his bike "REALLY likes the jalepeeenos!"

I know because he told me in a loud and angry voice.

xoxo Hannah

Dear Libyan Arab Jamahiriya,

You are the 92nd country to visit our humble blog. Congratulations.

As a reward for being lucky 92, instead of scolding you for having a "Y" where you should have an "I", I am dedicating this post to your wonderful country.

Here are some reasons that Libya rocks:

1. The capital of Libya is Tripoli which is one of the places mentioned in Enya's song "Orinoco Flow". I used to love this song when I was a small child.

2. According to Wikipedia, Libya is the only country to have a flag of only one color and containing no design, insignia, or other details. In other words, Libya is the only country ballsy enough to be represented by just a green rectangle.

3. Point: Libya has no natural rivers and the government does not guarantee the right to a fair trial.
Counterpoint: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hemZMthSYeU

4. Modern Libya was founded in 1969 which is the same year that we landed on the moon. Coincidence?

So here's to you Libya: 4th largest country in Africa, Oh great land of the green rectangle, I would drink a toast to thee if only alcohol were legal within your boarders. Congrats on being our 92nd country and come back soon!

xoxo Hannah

Pictures of Things I saw in February

1. A creepy barn.

"She doesn't like it in the barn... the horses keep her up at night..."

2. This kid. She insisted upon wearing Dora the Explorer knee pads to the zoo, and I have respect for that.

3. A pile of otters. I want this for Christmas please.

xoxo Hannah

Hippocampus vrs. Hippopatamus

I'm really bored and unable to think about anything that makes the slightest bit of sense. So I'd open up and let you guys know how deep I really am.

Here is a list of all the important thoughts rushing through my brain in the order in which I am thinking them:

1. I wish I had a rival. I like to pretend that one of the girls on third is my rival because she has dark hair and wears things with lots of clasps and Velcro which I for some reason elicits my animosity. No one needs that many fasteners unless they have something to hide. All my clothes are held up by sheer willpower.

2. I'd like to tape a big piece of paper over my doorway every night so that in the morning I can burst through it victoriously.

3. I should carry lots of little Jenga pieces in my backpack so that I can dump them on a table and play at anytime in any place.

4. The difference between a hippocampus and a hippopotamus is that one is a big animal and one is Vietnamese.

5. Who's sign language book is that? Can deaf people read? Yes they can. Sorry deaf people.

I hope you enjoyed my complex inner thoughts (I have none) and my picture of a baby giraffe (I WANT ONE).

xoxo Hannah

Invention Ideas

In this failing economy we're all trying to make a little extra money and if you're the creative type, inventing the next best selling product might sound pretty awesome. I mean the Snuggie is completely retarded, yet it is making millions. Don't you wish you patented the "blanket with arm-holes" idea first? I do.

Brainstorming the next big invention can be intimidating- there are so many options!- but I've decided to do my part and help you guys out. Here's a list of some things that you can go right ahead and NOT invent. It will save you some time.

Bad Idea 1. Nose-ring wolf leashes:

Step 1: find a wolf. 

Step 2: Pierce its nose.

Step 3: Attach a leash to the ring in its nose.

Step 4: Congratulations, you now have an an angry wolf on a leash. Enjoy.

Bad Idea 2. Ketchup Apples

All the nutrients of an apple but with the zesty flavor of an apple that has been coated in ketchup. Eat them at home, in the car, at the ball game! Anywhere that ketchup apples are permitted. Order now and we will throw in a FREE garden trowel! Oh yes!

Bad Idea 3. Trick Pants

Picture this: you are at a party when you trip and accidentally spill some red wine on your pants. You ask your pal who is throwing the party if you can borrow a pair of his. "Of course, good buddy!" He says, "Come right on upstairs!" He tosses you a pair of sweats and directs you to a bathroom to change. You try to don the pants when- surprise!- you realize that the leg holes are sewn shut. Now you just look stupid and your feet can't grip the floor. So you decide:

My friend is a dick. Thank you Trick Pants.

Bad Idea 4: Pennies with Velcro on them

I honestly can't think of anything you could do with this.

xoxo Hannah

3 Things that Should Apologize- Part II

Battlestar Galactica:

You are a blight on all mankind. Had we met under different circumstances maybe I could have tolerated you; perhaps I could have even seen past the science fiction-iness & appreciated all that wonderful character development I have been told you exhibit... yes... we could have been friends Battlestar, but you HAD to go there. Seducing my boyfriend with your robots and lasers and all that damn SPACE SHIT... dammit Battlestar Galactica, you are a heartless bitch! I mean, how can a normal girl compete with a fictional nuclear holocaust perpetrated by sexy human-robot things? Not even remotely possible. 

But there are only 6 seasons. And then Battlestar Galactica, like the cheap tramp of a television show you are, you will be back out on the streets, searching for the next nerd you can sell your sinful wares to. I hope you get herpes.

RuPaul:

I watched a few episodes of your new VH1 show, RuPaul's Drag Race. I couldn't help it. It's not that the concept of an America's Next Top Model meets Project Runway meets The Great Pretender search for "America's Next Drag Queen Superstar" particularly appealed to me at first; but when I heard you call for an impromptu "Vogue-off" competition for immunity, I was mesmerized. And then when you then took it to the next level, making your bottom two contestants "Lip sync for their LIVES" with your signature call of "DON'T FUCK IT UP!", it was officially too late for me; I couldn't change the channel.  Like a drug, your sequins, sassiness, and shameless self promotion of your ballin' new single "Covergirl (Put the Bass in Your Walk)" has me hooked. You and your girls are like heroin. Gay, bitchy heroin. 

And like heroin, I feel so guilty. I can't work up the courage to tell people, "What did I do on Saturday? I watched RuPaul's Drag Race. No big deal." 

Why did you do this to me RuPaul?! Please say you are sorry. I can't live like this anymore.

Precipitation:

Leave North Dakota alone! What did they ever do to YOU?! You devastate them with the worst flood in their history and then you throw in a blizzard... just to be sure everyone is suitably cold and wet enough. Precipitation, you better not show your face in Wisconsin or I'll make you wish you NEVER evaporated into the atmosphere.

xoxo Hannah

This Post is NOT About Sweden

Hello World,

 My name is Hannah and like most people, I will NOT be moving to Sweden next year. I am also NOT dating anyone of Swedish descent. I like to think this fact makes it easier for you to connect with me as opposed to Mariah who, by virtue of her Swedish obsession, is distant and unrelatable to the casual reader. I am excited to report that had I been required to complete a phone interview in order to stay here in Wisconsin (which I was not because as any observer can easily see, I am a good and true American), I would have passed with flying colors. But as you can see by the title, this post is NOT about Sweden, Mariah, or Visa interviews. It is about ME and other people and things that will not be in Sweden next year.

*North Dakota- My home state is an exciting place located right here in the good old U.S. of A. and although many of its 8 residents are of Scandinavian descent (including myself) there are also plenty of non-Swedish things that have happened here too. Here are some exciting ND facts:

-Ever wondered where the parking meter was invented? Right F***ing here, bitch!

- North Dakota has the most millionaires, churches, and big empty spaces per capita of all the states

- We are famous for our bison, statues of bison, Badlands, The International Peace Garden , and bountiful harvests of sun flowers, wheat, and religious fundamentalists

*Ethnic groups-  P.S. Swedes, having brunettes isn't the same as diversity. Sorry.

*My cat- Scout is a male orange and white tabby, neutered, with a bladder infection. He enjoys sleeping on my clean laundry, eating his Purina Chicken and Rice Anti-Hairball formula cat food, and licking people's faces while they slumber. He currently has no plans of obtaining a Swedish residence visa.

xoxo Hannah

* 

A Bountiful Harvest of Familial Love

Today I was pleased to find in my usually empty mail box not one, but two things! A post card from dear Kathi in Austria and a GIGANTIC box of random items my family thought I might need. The contents of the box were as follows:

3 bars of soap

3 bars of chocolate

2 boxes of popcorn 

A flashlight

2 bags of beef jerky

A carabeener with a warning label "Not for Climbing"

Q-Tips

A F-16 Fighting Falcon Glider Toy Plane

A manicure kit

Deodorant

Dental Floss

Shaving Gel

Silly Putty

Eye Drops

Toothbrush

Shampoo

Conditioner

Whitening Toothpaste

Razors

A Sewing Kit

Mouthwash

Lip Balm

Propel Fitness Water

Kool Ade

Tampons

Pads

and of course

Hand Sanitizer

<3>

xoxo Hannah 

Did you Know?

*That pregnant ladies are awesome because they can balance plates of food on their bellies like otters?

*That I am not as good at drawing bubble letters as I thought I was?

*That a "character building experience" is really just a regular experience that is going to suck really bad?

*That Mariah mumbles about Walmart in her sleep?

* That my porn name (first pet+ street you grew up on) is Stymie 23?

Well now you know.

xoxo Hannah

Confessions-Mid Winter Edition

As Mariah said in her last post, the first week of the semester is finally behind us... and what a week it was. Waking up before noon, navigating the dark coridoors beneath Schofield, having to be places on time, reading books... needless to say that would be pretty stressful for anyone. And as I sat in my nutrition class this week with nothing to do but take notes, I found myself faced with the one horrid thing I try to avoid beyond all else: self reflection. Readers, don't be fooled by my outwardly viruous appearance; I have done and thought some things... things I feel the need to get off my chest. So here is a short list of my sins this winter. Enjoy:

1. I have, on more than one occasion, used the word "good" when "well" would have been more  gramatically correct.

 2. I like to taunt the kittens because, unlike people, kittens are not capable of making sassy comebacks. I think I may have hurt their feelings a few times, like when I told Vader he could never have a successful career as a writer because his work is trite and unimaginative and he does not have thumbs. And in today's economy, you gotta have thumbs.

 I'm not totally sure what I do for a living. As such, I don't really care much for my job.

3. I accidentally stole a pack of three chocolate truffles from Shopko. I did not turn myself in to the athorities. 

4. I ate stolen property (#4). And it felt good. I also ate an entire jar of Nutella in two days. That also felt good. 

5. I am strangely attracted to the electric smell of the Schofield elevator.

6. Until two days ago I thought the song "Special K" by Placebo was literally about the cereal and therefore one of the stupidest songs I'd ever heard. FYI, it's actually about a drug which makes lyrics like 

"You come on just like special K/ Just like I swallowed half my stash" a bit more meaningful.

7. I grope statues, often without their permission.

Have a lovely Saturday all, I need to go eat something.

xxoo Hannah

Reader Discretion Advised

I'm bored. Mariah is sitting next to me giggling to herself like a little school girl as she skypes       (word?) with Martin but I have nothing to do until later so now I am BORED and it HURTS. So I will make a list, as I usually do at times like this, and then I will dip pretzels in Nutella and stuff them into my mouth until I find something more productive to do with my time.

Today's List- Foreign Swear Words/Fun Phrases

1. Kanula din rumpa- Only the Swedish can make "fuck your ass" sound so gosh darn adorable.

2. Hibitchku- Cunt in Serbian

3. Suka/Hui- Bitch/ Dick or fuck in Russian

4. Ich wil ficken- I will fuck- German (You can respond to this in a few ways. One would be to yell "Ja! Zieh die Hosen aus!" (Yes! Take off your pants!) and jump the person. Another would be to scream "Ich bin doch noch Jungfrau!" (But I am still a virgin!) and scamper away.

5. Verdammte Scheiffe! Jetzt ist mir der Praser geplatzt.- German- God damn it! My rubber burst.

6. If your life was a novel, then after #4 and 5 the narrator would probably say something like: "Nach der schnellen Nummer in den buschen, konnte man deutlich die Hobbyflecken auf seiner Hose sehen." (After the quicky in the bushes, you could clearly see the semen stains on his pants.)

7. And in one last show of how cute the Swedish are with everything, including pussy biting, "Jag vill bita din fitta."

Enjoy

xxoo Hannah

 

Sometimes I Do Things Pt III: Holiday Edition

So I didn't get an extra job, clean the house, or do any volunteer work over winter break. Big Whoop. Here are some things I did do:

1. I painted my bathroom. Now when I pee I feel as if I am swimming in a tranquil sea of blue.

2. I found the world's gayest mannequin at Boston Store... and then posed for a picture with it to show my pride and acceptance of its brave lifestyle choice.

3. I read not one but TWO books, The Last Lecture and Ender's Game. That's right. I can read.

4. I spoke Spanish to a Mexican cleaning crew and assured them that the house was not haunted and that they could stop yelling "La puerta! La puerta!" whenever I opened my door.

5. Laundry. Lots and lots of laundry.

So to all those who would tell you I am not productive: screw you biotches.

xxoo Hannah

Dear Stress, F U. Love, Hannah

Can't a girl play a simple game of Scrabble without having to help lug a strange German no one knows, nearly brain dead from a mysterious drug, to the hospital at 4 in the God Damn morning? Whilst having to deal with finals, Christmas shopping, and losing a roommate/werewolf (miss you Suwda baby!), you'd think that the Gods of Unloading Heaps of Shit on People could find it in their cold, black hearts to give a girl a bit of a break on a Friday night. But NOOOOO, that would be too easy. 

Anyway, in light of current events, and since the end of the semester is upon us, here are a few of the most important lessons I have learned in my first semester of college:

1. Never underestimate the intoxicating power of Absolut.

2. It is possible to subsist for months soley on turkey subs and Dr. Pepper. You probably shouldn't, but you can.

3. Kittens are the best therapy.

4. Find people to stand by you and hold on to them with all your heart. Mariah, Suwda, and David, I could not have survived without you.

5. Mellow Yellow is "a lifestyle, not a beverage." But Mountain Dew is

 still better.

6. "Friends keep score." 

7. Sometimes first impressions are wrong. Take people as they come and be pleasantly surprised. 

8. Family is super imortant.

9. Magic The Gathering is the single worst thing to happen to humanity. It is like heroin for nerds.

 

And of course, the most important of all lessons, the one statement I shall base the core of my existance on for the rest of my life (or at least for the whole of next semester):

10. At the heart of every crisis, somewhere, if you look hard enough, there is a German.

xoxo Hannah

 

Bio Lecture Lists

What up Dbags?

I am supposed to be taking notes on the Hardy-Weinberg Equilibrium, but instead I've decided to make some lists of things I've been pondering lately. Deep thoughts.

Worst Jobs to Try to Pick up Chicks With:

1. Guy who did the credits at the end of Laser Mission

2. Celery Farmer

3. Guy who says, “Ahhh... Push it.” in the background of “Push It” by Salt-n-Pepa

4. Guy who writes the messages inside of Hallmark cards

5. Guy who edits the labels on Pespi bottles

6. Elephant midwife

7. Guy who designs the pictures on the sides of Kleenex boxes

8. Guy who did the lighting for the British crime drama “Touching Evil”

9. Rapist

10. Guy who discovers and  names different species of fish

Activities I can do after class during that annoying 3 hour period when everyone else is busy:

1. Sleep

2. Eat Sandwich

3. Take bad-ass pictures of self for personal "Bad-Ass Pictures of Myself" scrapbook

4. Make my mom an English-to-texting dictionary

5. Vote

6. Stick multicolored Post-It labels all over the things in my room so I don't forget what things are called

7. Ponder the mysteries of life

8. Call people I haven't talked to in a long long time

9. Feed my fish

10. Practice smiling for pictures

xxoo Hannah

Sometimes I Do Things: The Terrifying Sequel

Now normally I would be writing a scathing counter-attack regarding Mariah's latest post with it's blatant disrespect for my complex and interesting life and complete disregard of my writing style (you call that a list, Mariah?! My dead cat writes better lists than you!), but after some careful reading, observation, and analysis I have come to conclude that she was actually pretty accurate. 

For the most part. 

But again I feel I have the duty to: a) display my list writing prowess, and b) remind you dear reader (because there is probably only one of you) that despite my outwardly "lazy" appearance, I do do things. Sometimes. When I feel like it.

1. I support the futbol (or in English: soccer) team. And if your definition of support is, as mine is, taking a bunch of pictures of yourself and completely ignoring the game because you only went because you were hoping to get pretzels afterward, then I am pretty much the most supportive fan you are going to find anywhere.

2. I make* strawberry cupcakes.

3. I return my rented movies on time. I even have a Bloc

kbuster membership card thingy and everything. See these? I returned these.

4. I find Suwda, Mariah, and J-Dawg interesting places to eat everything in sight at.

5. I do laundry on The Sabbath.

*make= Boy makes cupcakes, I preheat the oven

xxoo

Hannah

Hi, I'm hannah

Hannah is too busy with hanging out with her boys who don't have real names, making brownies and watching 30 Rock to even bother to update everyone on her life. Here is what hannah is up to.

1) Class

2) Sleep

3) Class

4) Sleep

5) Eat

6) Sitting in my room

7) Going out

xoxox

H (as M)

Pros and Cons

In case you didn't know, when I am bored or stressed I make lists. Well this week I've taken to making pros and cons lists which I email to Mariah when I'm supposed to be working at my job.

So today I will share some pros and cons with you dear readers, just in case you are having trouble deciding between two or more things. You are welcome.

Narwhals-

Pros                                                                                         

* Look really cool                                                 

*Are quick, active mammals which                    

feed mainly on cod, squid, and shrimp                

* Tusks                                                                    

Cons

*Can't swim with them or you will be skewered as a kabob

*Beady, untrustworthy eyes

* Not tasty

 

Hand Towels

Pros                                                                                             

* Just the right size for hands                                                     

*Can also be used as a wash cloth

Cons

* Sometimes I mistake them for regular size towels and am

gravely disappointed post shower 

Scarves

Pros                                                                                     

* Keep my neck warm in winter                                                                                       

*Very useful when one is a Mighty Warrior    

* Are pretty

Cons

* Could get caught in an elevator door and kill me

*I find huge pieces of fabric enraging

Hope that helps.

xxoo Hannah

P.S. Kai would like you to know that narwhals were his idea.

God Damn Isotopes...

In contrast to Mariah's noble white-Oprah fantasies,  I aspire to be a whiney bitch, so here is a list of things that Hannah finds irritating:

1. Drunk guys in red who grab my ass.

2. Holding a meeting about which type of folder should house the all important user review sheets when one could just as easily pick a damn folder.

3. The lady at the sub shop who asks me if I want turkey and when I say yes gives me ham- an inferior meat.

4. Being awake.

5. The fact that people only call me when I'm in chemistry or asleep.

6. Isotopes. Decide on a uniform number of neutrons already! Damn atoms pissing me off.

7. Dirt and things in it.

8. People who look like people I know from behind and then when I yell at them they turn around and are someone completely different and then they give me this annoyed look like it's MY fault that they are Hannah's-friends-posers.

9. Cauliflower. What ARE you?

10. My RA.

Leaf or Blade of Grass?

Things I have learned the past few days:

1. Martin Andersson will buy me a pirate. (size 3)

2. Uzbekistan thinks that the Cha Cha Slide is America's national dance.

3. Brazilians are EVERYWHERE.

4. "You know bigfoot? He's nice."- Rafa

5. Rafa can't fit through the bars on the side of the bridge. We did an experiment.

6. Jamie is a "little Welsh boy" and he walks like a gay raptor when he's drunk.

7. Sam's Club has BAGS IN BOXES!

8. Rizky Hadi is the most amazing name ever... and he looks so cute in his little suit.

9. Sam steals his roommate's cologne.

10. Leaf beats blade of grass. Hands down.

11. Falcons make great fire alarms.

12. Suwda can eat 7 Mongolian dumpling things. At once.

xxoo Hannah

Sometimes I do Things

As I read Mariah's posts, I get the feeling that she's painting a slightly exaggerated portrait of our lives.  She's all like "Woe is me, I have to write Jew papers and read hard books and all Hannah does is take naps, eat, and watch Arrested Development." Well you know what Mariah? I do stuff too. Check it:

I do Suwda's hair and coach her on her singing (not to mention I have to deal with THIS every full moon)

I also do homework. Here is a picture of me doing it. I doubt Mariah has such photographic evidence of her so-called academic toils.

Yesterday I was a Mighty Warrior and I defended my dorm from invaders...Huns Beware!

I'm a good friend too; I'd even venture to say that I'm a better friend than Mariah. I braved rain and chilly weather to support Kai as he got his HUGE tattoo. I even deleted most of the embarrassing pictures I took of him wincing and crying in pain. That is what a good friend I am.

Wanna know what Mariah does all day?

This.

xxoo Hannah