Oh the Perils of 5th Grade

Today I was reading an informational pamphlet my 9 year old sister wrote about her favorite cause, going green. I was soaking up all the information about recycling and saving energy- I was surprised to learn that "in the old days energy wasn't invented yet and so there was no pollution."- when I started thinking. Not just about how great it would be to go back to the carefree days before man created all this damn energy, but also about how I was at her age and how different my worries are now. Thankfully I'd brought the journal I kept in the 5th and 6th grade with me to college, just in case I felt reminiscent. Here are some highlights:

Most Embarrassing Moment

 "Oh my God! Mom was dropping me off at school and I got my BOOT stuck in a BUCKET! It was the worst thing EVER!"-  Age 10 

To think there was a time when the absolute worst, most shaming thing that could happen to a kid was to get their boot stuck in a bucket. Is that even bad? Judging from my use of capital letters and exclamation points, it was.

Current most embarrassing moment: In 7th grade geography my pad leaked profusely through my khaki pants, everyone saw, and I hid in the bathroom till my Dad came to bring me new clothes. I don't think anything could make me feel more embarrassed than that.

Nickname

In 5th grade it was decided by a lunchroom council that everyone in my group of friends should have a code name, presumably so we could communicate with each other secretly while also sounding really, really cool. I was told my name would be "Sketch" because "I am really good at drawing." 

Oddly enough, nowadays I instinctively avoid people named Sketch. 

Biggest Annoyance

"(my sister) Ellyn is such a BRAT! Every time she starts a fight I get blamed for it because I'm older.... She threw a spoon at me!"- Age 10

Ellyn would later graduate from spoons to measuring cups, to a sloppy joe before we realized that we didn't really know what we were fighting about and became friends. I haven't had any kitchen utensils thrown at me for quite some time.

Current Biggest Annoyance: The fact that today I bought a box of pop tarts and immediately felt the same way that I would if I splurged and purchased a $200 sweater. I'm so poor.

xoxo Hannah

Invention Ideas

In this failing economy we're all trying to make a little extra money and if you're the creative type, inventing the next best selling product might sound pretty awesome. I mean the Snuggie is completely retarded, yet it is making millions. Don't you wish you patented the "blanket with arm-holes" idea first? I do.

Brainstorming the next big invention can be intimidating- there are so many options!- but I've decided to do my part and help you guys out. Here's a list of some things that you can go right ahead and NOT invent. It will save you some time.

Bad Idea 1. Nose-ring wolf leashes:

Step 1: find a wolf. 

Step 2: Pierce its nose.

Step 3: Attach a leash to the ring in its nose.

Step 4: Congratulations, you now have an an angry wolf on a leash. Enjoy.

Bad Idea 2. Ketchup Apples

All the nutrients of an apple but with the zesty flavor of an apple that has been coated in ketchup. Eat them at home, in the car, at the ball game! Anywhere that ketchup apples are permitted. Order now and we will throw in a FREE garden trowel! Oh yes!

Bad Idea 3. Trick Pants

Picture this: you are at a party when you trip and accidentally spill some red wine on your pants. You ask your pal who is throwing the party if you can borrow a pair of his. "Of course, good buddy!" He says, "Come right on upstairs!" He tosses you a pair of sweats and directs you to a bathroom to change. You try to don the pants when- surprise!- you realize that the leg holes are sewn shut. Now you just look stupid and your feet can't grip the floor. So you decide:

My friend is a dick. Thank you Trick Pants.

Bad Idea 4: Pennies with Velcro on them

I honestly can't think of anything you could do with this.

xoxo Hannah