Hippocampus vrs. Hippopatamus

I'm really bored and unable to think about anything that makes the slightest bit of sense. So I'd open up and let you guys know how deep I really am.

Here is a list of all the important thoughts rushing through my brain in the order in which I am thinking them:

1. I wish I had a rival. I like to pretend that one of the girls on third is my rival because she has dark hair and wears things with lots of clasps and Velcro which I for some reason elicits my animosity. No one needs that many fasteners unless they have something to hide. All my clothes are held up by sheer willpower.

2. I'd like to tape a big piece of paper over my doorway every night so that in the morning I can burst through it victoriously.

3. I should carry lots of little Jenga pieces in my backpack so that I can dump them on a table and play at anytime in any place.

4. The difference between a hippocampus and a hippopotamus is that one is a big animal and one is Vietnamese.

5. Who's sign language book is that? Can deaf people read? Yes they can. Sorry deaf people.

I hope you enjoyed my complex inner thoughts (I have none) and my picture of a baby giraffe (I WANT ONE).

xoxo Hannah

I'm Not Dead

Nor did I fall asleep for 3 months and wake up with a beard covered in ice (although this is what it would look like if I did.)

If any of you were waiting anxiously to hear the latest updates about my ever exciting and drama-filled life, don't worry, you haven't missed anything. Basically it's been cold and I spent most of the past few months wandering around my home in a pink Snuggie, talking to my cat, and eating Indian take-out. Still, I guess I owe you, so I'll fill you in on the most important details of my winter thus far:

1. I have a new roommate! Her name is Jamie and at 9:15 every night we eat chips, and salsa, and cookies. We like to watch shows about prison and are planning to tour one some day, just for fun. She can do the splits and she doesn't like peanut butter. This is what we look like together in a fall-type setting.

2. I got my picture taken in one of those booths at the mall.

3. I got a really bad sinus infection and I had to go to the doctor and get some shots but it was ok because they gave me a sucker.

That is pretty much it. It is one of my New Years resolutions to keep up with this so I will be better this year.

xoxo Hannah

A Philosophical Rant

There are some in this world who would call me cynical, even negative. They'd probably tell you that it is people like me, with my disgustingly realistic views of society that keep us all under the iron clad grip of "The Man."

"How dare she suggest that we can't all return to a solely farming and trading economy and live in perfect harmony without the constraints of money or government? Has she no soul!?"

Well you know what? I do have a soul, and you can suck it. My proverbial cup may not be overflowing with mythical creatures and children's glee like yours is, but it is at least half full with something most* of the time.

I like to think of myself as less of a habitual dream crusher and more of a realist. If you can somehow make a reasonable case as to how synchronizing our thoughts into one universal consciousness is a practical solution to gang violence I would love to hear it. If you could incorporate a Powerpoint and bar graph into your presentation I would be even more impressed. However until you can work some sort of logic into your idealism, I will be forced to filter all communication I receive from you into the "whiny middle-class white kid who took an introductory philosophy class" folder in my brain.

* Sometimes I am legitimately a bitch. :)

xoxo Hannah

Invention Ideas

In this failing economy we're all trying to make a little extra money and if you're the creative type, inventing the next best selling product might sound pretty awesome. I mean the Snuggie is completely retarded, yet it is making millions. Don't you wish you patented the "blanket with arm-holes" idea first? I do.

Brainstorming the next big invention can be intimidating- there are so many options!- but I've decided to do my part and help you guys out. Here's a list of some things that you can go right ahead and NOT invent. It will save you some time.

Bad Idea 1. Nose-ring wolf leashes:

Step 1: find a wolf. 

Step 2: Pierce its nose.

Step 3: Attach a leash to the ring in its nose.

Step 4: Congratulations, you now have an an angry wolf on a leash. Enjoy.

Bad Idea 2. Ketchup Apples

All the nutrients of an apple but with the zesty flavor of an apple that has been coated in ketchup. Eat them at home, in the car, at the ball game! Anywhere that ketchup apples are permitted. Order now and we will throw in a FREE garden trowel! Oh yes!

Bad Idea 3. Trick Pants

Picture this: you are at a party when you trip and accidentally spill some red wine on your pants. You ask your pal who is throwing the party if you can borrow a pair of his. "Of course, good buddy!" He says, "Come right on upstairs!" He tosses you a pair of sweats and directs you to a bathroom to change. You try to don the pants when- surprise!- you realize that the leg holes are sewn shut. Now you just look stupid and your feet can't grip the floor. So you decide:

My friend is a dick. Thank you Trick Pants.

Bad Idea 4: Pennies with Velcro on them

I honestly can't think of anything you could do with this.

xoxo Hannah

Monday Miscellany

Dear Nacho Day at the Cafeteria,

Thank you for always being there for me with your cheesy, beefy, all-you-can-eat goodness. You know just how to comfort me after a rough day, lovingly raising my blood sugar with your perfect mixture of grease and spices. I'm so glad I met you and I predict a long and happy relationship.

Dear Knitting,

What gives? I've been at this scarf for like two days and I'm not even done yet. I've got things to do and necks to warm. Why must you take such a long time? 

Dear Lady on Cell Phone at the Bus Station,

I'm not sure I would agree that your pregnant bff who just got off probation this weekend and is now moving to Arizona to be with her abusive, drug dealing ex-husband has "really gotten her life together." But hey, I'm just an eavesdropper.

P.S. Enjoy.

superpoop.com

 

xoxo Hannah

Dear Mariah,

You must stop being so miserable. You have so many wondrous things to be happy about!

Spring is here, the sun is shining, and the birds are chirping happily... why, I can almost hear them singing "Mariah! Come out and play with us! Live your life, don't bide your time! We have chocolate!  Chirp chirp."

You should be out partying with me and those birds, Mariah. And maybe some other humans too if you don't like birds. Some people don't. God knows why; birds are the best, but whatever. 

I mean you actually know a REAL person named McGillicuddy for Christ sake! Don't you know how awesome that is?! How I envy you, my friend!

Anyways have a nice trip back, don't do any amphetamines, and I will see you tomorrow.

xoxo Hannah

Fun at the Park

Yesterday my mother and sister and I decided to spend some quality time together so we skipped off to one of our favorite downtown parks. Here is pictorial documentation of our adventures starring my dear sister Ellyn:

First we climbed a tree; the experience caused Ellyn to feel many intense emotions almost simultaneously: happiness, sexiness, rage, and finally disbelief that she had even climbed that tree in the first place.

Next we went to the playground to swing on the swings. Sadly, there were some KIDS on the swings so we had to play on other things instead.

After some initial difficulty, Ellyn eventually completed her journey down the twisty slide. Then we played on the

parallel bars. What fun!

But all too soon it was time to go home. The sun had started to set, the birds were settling down to dream little bird dreams in their nests, and the parents of those awful swing-hogging children were looking a bit grumpy at us for taking over their playground. So we said goodbye.

But not before we had one last go at the colorful plastic tubes.

As she lay here, a line of about six snotty 4 year olds waited patiently for their turn in the tube. They don't even have jobs and they're trying to take the red plastic tubes away from us hard working folks? Lazy bastards.

xoxo Hannah

Superpoop Friday!

superpoop.com

superpoop.com

superpoop.com

xoxo Hannah

This Post is NOT About Sweden

Hello World,

 My name is Hannah and like most people, I will NOT be moving to Sweden next year. I am also NOT dating anyone of Swedish descent. I like to think this fact makes it easier for you to connect with me as opposed to Mariah who, by virtue of her Swedish obsession, is distant and unrelatable to the casual reader. I am excited to report that had I been required to complete a phone interview in order to stay here in Wisconsin (which I was not because as any observer can easily see, I am a good and true American), I would have passed with flying colors. But as you can see by the title, this post is NOT about Sweden, Mariah, or Visa interviews. It is about ME and other people and things that will not be in Sweden next year.

*North Dakota- My home state is an exciting place located right here in the good old U.S. of A. and although many of its 8 residents are of Scandinavian descent (including myself) there are also plenty of non-Swedish things that have happened here too. Here are some exciting ND facts:

-Ever wondered where the parking meter was invented? Right F***ing here, bitch!

- North Dakota has the most millionaires, churches, and big empty spaces per capita of all the states

- We are famous for our bison, statues of bison, Badlands, The International Peace Garden , and bountiful harvests of sun flowers, wheat, and religious fundamentalists

*Ethnic groups-  P.S. Swedes, having brunettes isn't the same as diversity. Sorry.

*My cat- Scout is a male orange and white tabby, neutered, with a bladder infection. He enjoys sleeping on my clean laundry, eating his Purina Chicken and Rice Anti-Hairball formula cat food, and licking people's faces while they slumber. He currently has no plans of obtaining a Swedish residence visa.

xoxo Hannah

* 

A Bountiful Harvest of Familial Love

Today I was pleased to find in my usually empty mail box not one, but two things! A post card from dear Kathi in Austria and a GIGANTIC box of random items my family thought I might need. The contents of the box were as follows:

3 bars of soap

3 bars of chocolate

2 boxes of popcorn 

A flashlight

2 bags of beef jerky

A carabeener with a warning label "Not for Climbing"

Q-Tips

A F-16 Fighting Falcon Glider Toy Plane

A manicure kit

Deodorant

Dental Floss

Shaving Gel

Silly Putty

Eye Drops

Toothbrush

Shampoo

Conditioner

Whitening Toothpaste

Razors

A Sewing Kit

Mouthwash

Lip Balm

Propel Fitness Water

Kool Ade

Tampons

Pads

and of course

Hand Sanitizer

<3>

xoxo Hannah 

Did you Know?

*That pregnant ladies are awesome because they can balance plates of food on their bellies like otters?

*That I am not as good at drawing bubble letters as I thought I was?

*That a "character building experience" is really just a regular experience that is going to suck really bad?

*That Mariah mumbles about Walmart in her sleep?

* That my porn name (first pet+ street you grew up on) is Stymie 23?

Well now you know.

xoxo Hannah

Notes to All

Dear My Friend's Turtle:

All of the fish in your tank are dead. Was it.... MURDER? I suspect so, yet I am still no closer to finding the killer. Watch your back.

Dear Lays Green Circle commercial:

WTF is with the circles? You sell POTATO CHIPS, not conformity. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj1XNjrJ-EY

Dear Freecreditreport.com Guy,

Perhaps if you were not constantly singing catchy songs about your financial failures on national TV, you wouldn't have to live at a Renaissance fair. Or you could just get an APARTMENT.

Dear Martin and Tori:

You don't know each other, but you share the same birthday so I think you ought to be friends. Also I am too lazy to write TWO separate notes about birthdays. But anyway have a good one, to Martin: I'm sure there are tons of fun games one can play with a pen box and a Big-Fucking-Spoon; and to Tori: I hope you have a great time playing Halo despite the fact that I'm pretty sure they do not manufacture Wheat Thins laced with weed.

xoxo Hannah

Classy Classy Roommates

Between our debate on whether it would be better to be a hamster or a gerbil and our delight at finding the a sandwich themed conversation in Mariah's Swedish book,

       -"Is it a small sandwich?"

       -"No. It is a large sandwich."

Mariah and I learned that in Minnesota it is illegal to have sex with a live fish. This revelation led us to ponder many questions (aloud in front of K-Dawg), namely: What precedent was set that this law had to be made? Has it ever been enforced? What are the penalties? Fines? Prison time? An essay? How does one actually go about this business of fish intercourse? Do fish have vajay-jays*? Is oral sex still legal? What if you are the one giving it? And why specify the state of the fish? Although live fish are out of the question for what I'm sure are ethical reasons (although I'm sure there are those who would argue the possibility of mutually rewarding consensual fish-sex, providing one takes the fish out for dinner first and doesn't ignore the ever-important foreplay), the Minnesota state government apparently couldn't bring its self to take away a man's God given right to fuck a dead fish to his hearts content.  After all, this is America. 

*They don't.

xoxo Hannah

I Love Picnik.

xoxo Hannah

True Life: I give Birth to Animals

In lieu of some weird dreams I've been having... 

The next time I hear a pregnant woman say "I don't care if it's a boy or a girl; as long as it's healthy." I am going to ask, 

"But what if it's a FALCON?!"

Young women today think that they've got a handle on everything. "I'd love my child just the same even if it were violently mentally disabled or had metal pincers instead of hands. I'm gonna be a great mother." 

Oh yeah? What if your child had razor sharp talons and ate only raw salmon and field mice? Do you know how to toilet train a bird of prey? No you don't because they don't write parenting books on that shit! When it comes time for little Jimmy to go to school, who's going to explain to him that just because he looks a little different and mercilessly shreds the construction paper during arts and crafts, it doesn't mean he's any less special than the other kids? Ladies, it would take real unconditional love, patience, and thoughtful parenting to raise a well adjusted falcon-human hybrid in a world clearly prejudiced against them. 

xoxo Hannah

On relationships and chainsaw dancing...

Poor Mariah! -and for the first (and hopefully last) time, no sarcasm is intended in that statement. I genuinely feel for my dear little roommate. Long distance relationships must suck immesurably. I know I couldn't keep one up; sustained soley by phone calls and Facebook, sleeping alone every night, constantly longing for the embrace of a tall, gangly Swede... I'd give up after about 4 and a half days. I don't have the emotional stamina that Mariah and Martin have. And I sincerly wish them the best....so that when they get married I can be a BRIDESMAID DAMMIT. Can wear a pretty dress and sit at the big table? Please? Think about it.

Anyway, the only qualm I have with Mariah's last post is this: what's wrong with making chainsaw noises, spandex and ballroom dancing 10 year olds? I'll tell you what's wrong: nothing, that's what. I'll have you know that after kittens, money, and 30 Rock, those are a few of my favorite things. In fact, I make chainsaw noises ALL THE TIME... WITH my boyfriend WHILE wearing spandex and watzing with a fourth grader. It's a hobby. So maybe think first before you imply that certain activities are undertaken only by those who are sad and alone and consider that maybe they are perfectly happy and just a bit odd. 

But you really should shave your legs darling. Remember I've got to see them everyday so let's not let ourselves go completely, eh?

xxoo Hannah

Conversation of the Day:

Jet- We kicked their asses FOUR times!

Me- But we've only played three games...

The Boy- And only won two...

Jet- But that's what I'm SAYING. We won FIVE games you guys! I want a REMATCH!

Me- Jet... I don't know how to say this gently, but are you familiar with the order of numbers?

Jet- Fuck you Tori! We won EIGHT games! 

Me- Out of three...

Jet- Hannah, I want you to have this: (*gives hug*).  We are the greatest team EVER.  

The Boy- Yeah you are.

Moral of story- Screw math. Numbers are whatever we want them to be. 

Pros and Cons

In case you didn't know, when I am bored or stressed I make lists. Well this week I've taken to making pros and cons lists which I email to Mariah when I'm supposed to be working at my job.

So today I will share some pros and cons with you dear readers, just in case you are having trouble deciding between two or more things. You are welcome.

Narwhals-

Pros                                                                                         

* Look really cool                                                 

*Are quick, active mammals which                    

feed mainly on cod, squid, and shrimp                

* Tusks                                                                    

Cons

*Can't swim with them or you will be skewered as a kabob

*Beady, untrustworthy eyes

* Not tasty

 

Hand Towels

Pros                                                                                             

* Just the right size for hands                                                     

*Can also be used as a wash cloth

Cons

* Sometimes I mistake them for regular size towels and am

gravely disappointed post shower 

Scarves

Pros                                                                                     

* Keep my neck warm in winter                                                                                       

*Very useful when one is a Mighty Warrior    

* Are pretty

Cons

* Could get caught in an elevator door and kill me

*I find huge pieces of fabric enraging

Hope that helps.

xxoo Hannah

P.S. Kai would like you to know that narwhals were his idea.

God Damn Isotopes...

In contrast to Mariah's noble white-Oprah fantasies,  I aspire to be a whiney bitch, so here is a list of things that Hannah finds irritating:

1. Drunk guys in red who grab my ass.

2. Holding a meeting about which type of folder should house the all important user review sheets when one could just as easily pick a damn folder.

3. The lady at the sub shop who asks me if I want turkey and when I say yes gives me ham- an inferior meat.

4. Being awake.

5. The fact that people only call me when I'm in chemistry or asleep.

6. Isotopes. Decide on a uniform number of neutrons already! Damn atoms pissing me off.

7. Dirt and things in it.

8. People who look like people I know from behind and then when I yell at them they turn around and are someone completely different and then they give me this annoyed look like it's MY fault that they are Hannah's-friends-posers.

9. Cauliflower. What ARE you?

10. My RA.

What I am thinking about right now...

1. I love comment cards in the cafeteria! Even if they did censor my racy ode to coconut rice.

2. Pie charts are more true than words but less true than graphs.

3. There is never a situation pressing enough that it merits waking me up before 10 am.

4. Mentos really are the Freshmaker.

5. Female stick figures wear clothes. Male stick figures wear hats. NOT CLOTHES.

6. Putting your hands over your head and lying on the floor will probably not prevent you from being crushed by a falling building.

7. My cat is super bad ass. See?

8. Mariah makes an awesome Sarah Palin.

                                                  

9. If you didn't want me to call you one, then you shouldn't have cut in front of me at the sandwich shop you FAT SLUT.

10. I am shamefully inept at creating metaphors that accurately express my feelings about life.

11. If I were a boy, my name would be Quinn.

12. Why are there so many horizontal surfaces in the world if we are not allowed to sleep on all of them?