Dear Minneapolis-St.Paul,

I'm coming...

xoxo Hannah

I'm Not Dead

Nor did I fall asleep for 3 months and wake up with a beard covered in ice (although this is what it would look like if I did.)

If any of you were waiting anxiously to hear the latest updates about my ever exciting and drama-filled life, don't worry, you haven't missed anything. Basically it's been cold and I spent most of the past few months wandering around my home in a pink Snuggie, talking to my cat, and eating Indian take-out. Still, I guess I owe you, so I'll fill you in on the most important details of my winter thus far:

1. I have a new roommate! Her name is Jamie and at 9:15 every night we eat chips, and salsa, and cookies. We like to watch shows about prison and are planning to tour one some day, just for fun. She can do the splits and she doesn't like peanut butter. This is what we look like together in a fall-type setting.

2. I got my picture taken in one of those booths at the mall.

3. I got a really bad sinus infection and I had to go to the doctor and get some shots but it was ok because they gave me a sucker.

That is pretty much it. It is one of my New Years resolutions to keep up with this so I will be better this year.

xoxo Hannah

Dear New Roomie,

I've got no idea what you are like and I'm sure we'll be great friends,

but I found this picture today and immediately prayed it wasn't you.

If you want to keep American airports safe from the orc menace (as this elf appears to be doing) that's awesome, but no giant squares-on-a-stick in the room, ok? Not only will I undoubtedly trip over it, but it will get magic all over everything and then who has to vacuum? ME.

Here's to hoping you don't hunt your own game, wet the bed, or have a nickname like Skinless Jack.

xoxo Hannah

Dear Future Roommate,

The sheet they sent me says that you are from the same small town as my dear Mariah. I asked her if she had heard any horrible things about you, but she hadn't. She hadn't heard anything at all about you actually, but I googled you and since no headlines about serial rapists, contagious diseases, or pooping popped up, I have decided to be cautiously optimistic.

Since we are to share a tiny, confined space for at least 4 months, here are some helpful tips to help us get along better:

1. Please try your very hardest to stay in peak mental and physical condition. I will occasionally hide in corners and jump out at you unexpectedly to test your reflexes.

2. Have a sense of humor. Can you do a good Sarah Palin impression? What is your stance on poop jokes? Do you know the lyrics to and appreciate the comic genius of the Altoona Family Restaurant song? Please review these items over the next few months.

3. Don't be a skank. If I witness you having sex in our room, I cannot be held liable for throwing up in your backpack, in your dresser drawer, and probably also on your bed although I may need to take a break to eat something in between.

4.  Hygiene: it's not just important, it feels great too. 

If you have any weird quirks like allergies, phobias, or words that trigger psychotic outbursts, do let me know ASAP. I'd like to be prepared before hand.

xoxo Hannah

Dear Mariah,

You must stop being so miserable. You have so many wondrous things to be happy about!

Spring is here, the sun is shining, and the birds are chirping happily... why, I can almost hear them singing "Mariah! Come out and play with us! Live your life, don't bide your time! We have chocolate!  Chirp chirp."

You should be out partying with me and those birds, Mariah. And maybe some other humans too if you don't like birds. Some people don't. God knows why; birds are the best, but whatever. 

I mean you actually know a REAL person named McGillicuddy for Christ sake! Don't you know how awesome that is?! How I envy you, my friend!

Anyways have a nice trip back, don't do any amphetamines, and I will see you tomorrow.

xoxo Hannah

Classy Classy Roommates

Between our debate on whether it would be better to be a hamster or a gerbil and our delight at finding the a sandwich themed conversation in Mariah's Swedish book,

       -"Is it a small sandwich?"

       -"No. It is a large sandwich."

Mariah and I learned that in Minnesota it is illegal to have sex with a live fish. This revelation led us to ponder many questions (aloud in front of K-Dawg), namely: What precedent was set that this law had to be made? Has it ever been enforced? What are the penalties? Fines? Prison time? An essay? How does one actually go about this business of fish intercourse? Do fish have vajay-jays*? Is oral sex still legal? What if you are the one giving it? And why specify the state of the fish? Although live fish are out of the question for what I'm sure are ethical reasons (although I'm sure there are those who would argue the possibility of mutually rewarding consensual fish-sex, providing one takes the fish out for dinner first and doesn't ignore the ever-important foreplay), the Minnesota state government apparently couldn't bring its self to take away a man's God given right to fuck a dead fish to his hearts content.  After all, this is America. 

*They don't.

xoxo Hannah

The Hills are Alive (Pt. 1)

Did you know: that Austrians are just like any other people, only taller and more environmentally conscious? It's true, I know some.

 J-Dawg's sister Katharina has come to our humble city from the great nation of Austria to visit her brother and find out exactly what our country has to offer. So far the terrible cafeteria food, cold weather, and jet lag (not America's fault) have probably put a damper on this Great American Odyssey, but Mariah and I have planned to help Katharina have the grandest experience possible and we will do everything in our power to insure that she has a lovely time.

I mean we already made sure she felt right at home by immediately singing the universally known Austrian Song of Friendship (The theme from The Sound of Music) outside her door before dinner.

Mariah sang so longingly that there were music notes on the wall! Wow. Look at that!

Later, we further introduced Katharina to our strange and beautiful culture by making her watch Rock of Love with Brett Michaels and half of Tropic Thunder. USA! USA!

And just to show that we care, Mariah and I asked before we started taking pictures of J-Dawg and Kat in their cute matching t-shirts.

"Do something Austrian!" Aren't they cute? Unfortunately Mariah started acting up and Johannes had to restrain her. Don't be a tourist Mariah, this is your country.

Stay tuned for Pt.2 of our many part series ,The Hills Are Alive, and learn more about our gentle brothers (and sisters) in Austria.

xoxo Hannah

On relationships and chainsaw dancing...

Poor Mariah! -and for the first (and hopefully last) time, no sarcasm is intended in that statement. I genuinely feel for my dear little roommate. Long distance relationships must suck immesurably. I know I couldn't keep one up; sustained soley by phone calls and Facebook, sleeping alone every night, constantly longing for the embrace of a tall, gangly Swede... I'd give up after about 4 and a half days. I don't have the emotional stamina that Mariah and Martin have. And I sincerly wish them the best....so that when they get married I can be a BRIDESMAID DAMMIT. Can wear a pretty dress and sit at the big table? Please? Think about it.

Anyway, the only qualm I have with Mariah's last post is this: what's wrong with making chainsaw noises, spandex and ballroom dancing 10 year olds? I'll tell you what's wrong: nothing, that's what. I'll have you know that after kittens, money, and 30 Rock, those are a few of my favorite things. In fact, I make chainsaw noises ALL THE TIME... WITH my boyfriend WHILE wearing spandex and watzing with a fourth grader. It's a hobby. So maybe think first before you imply that certain activities are undertaken only by those who are sad and alone and consider that maybe they are perfectly happy and just a bit odd. 

But you really should shave your legs darling. Remember I've got to see them everyday so let's not let ourselves go completely, eh?

xxoo Hannah

Conversation of the Day:

Jet- We kicked their asses FOUR times!

Me- But we've only played three games...

The Boy- And only won two...

Jet- But that's what I'm SAYING. We won FIVE games you guys! I want a REMATCH!

Me- Jet... I don't know how to say this gently, but are you familiar with the order of numbers?

Jet- Fuck you Tori! We won EIGHT games! 

Me- Out of three...

Jet- Hannah, I want you to have this: (*gives hug*).  We are the greatest team EVER.  

The Boy- Yeah you are.

Moral of story- Screw math. Numbers are whatever we want them to be. 

Werewolf??

As a biology major, I've always  turned to science for answers to life's big questions. Foolishly I scoffed at tales of fantastic creatures and terrifying monsters, dismissing them as nothing more than silly bedtime stories told by uneducated, non-metric-system-knowing peasants to their children to keep them quiet at night. But no more.  Certain events have come to light leading me to realize that the only possible explanation is that Suwda (SOOV da) my roommate and adopted Mongolian baby is in fact... a werewolf. I shall present my case as such:

Reasons Suwda is a Werewolf

1) She disappears mysteriously for days at a time.

2) She makes uncannily accurate dog noises and slightly less accurate frog ones.

3) She has razor sharp fangs and claws capable of flaying flesh from bone.

4) On my list of  '100 Things to Do Before I Die' she wrote "Have a house made out of meat".

5) She can be defeated with the use of silver bullets.

After some more careful observation I will add to this list...

xxoo H