Dear New Roomie,

I've got no idea what you are like and I'm sure we'll be great friends,

but I found this picture today and immediately prayed it wasn't you.

If you want to keep American airports safe from the orc menace (as this elf appears to be doing) that's awesome, but no giant squares-on-a-stick in the room, ok? Not only will I undoubtedly trip over it, but it will get magic all over everything and then who has to vacuum? ME.

Here's to hoping you don't hunt your own game, wet the bed, or have a nickname like Skinless Jack.

xoxo Hannah

Dear Future Roommate,

The sheet they sent me says that you are from the same small town as my dear Mariah. I asked her if she had heard any horrible things about you, but she hadn't. She hadn't heard anything at all about you actually, but I googled you and since no headlines about serial rapists, contagious diseases, or pooping popped up, I have decided to be cautiously optimistic.

Since we are to share a tiny, confined space for at least 4 months, here are some helpful tips to help us get along better:

1. Please try your very hardest to stay in peak mental and physical condition. I will occasionally hide in corners and jump out at you unexpectedly to test your reflexes.

2. Have a sense of humor. Can you do a good Sarah Palin impression? What is your stance on poop jokes? Do you know the lyrics to and appreciate the comic genius of the Altoona Family Restaurant song? Please review these items over the next few months.

3. Don't be a skank. If I witness you having sex in our room, I cannot be held liable for throwing up in your backpack, in your dresser drawer, and probably also on your bed although I may need to take a break to eat something in between.

4.  Hygiene: it's not just important, it feels great too. 

If you have any weird quirks like allergies, phobias, or words that trigger psychotic outbursts, do let me know ASAP. I'd like to be prepared before hand.

xoxo Hannah

This Week at Nap Time...

Dear Art Professor,

I had a dream today that I complained about getting a 94% on your test when I CLEARLY deserved a 96% and as punishment you sent me to Hell for a few days so I'd learn to appreciate my life more.

I just wanted to let you know that you may not want to implement that strategy in real life. I commend you for making such a valiant and creative attempt at changing my life, but to be completely honest, Hell just wasn't that bad. I mean it's not like it's AWESOME or anything, but if my dreams are any indication of the real thing, eternal damnation is really boring but totally manageable.

Here are some Fun Facts about the underworld you may not know:

* It is just like college, assuming your university is located in the molten center of the Earth! There are tunnels and tunnels of dorm rooms that Hell's residents share with their assigned roommate and some giant overflow rooms for those tormented souls who transferred late.

*Almost everyone has cats and in some cases the cats get their own dorms. 

*Satan has a fondness for kettle corn and thinks torturing people is "so gross". 

*They have cable!

In conclusion dear Art Professor, the next time you want to punish me by sending me to some God forsaken place just send me to work. It's WAY worse.

xoxo Hannah

Confessions-Mid Winter Edition

As Mariah said in her last post, the first week of the semester is finally behind us... and what a week it was. Waking up before noon, navigating the dark coridoors beneath Schofield, having to be places on time, reading books... needless to say that would be pretty stressful for anyone. And as I sat in my nutrition class this week with nothing to do but take notes, I found myself faced with the one horrid thing I try to avoid beyond all else: self reflection. Readers, don't be fooled by my outwardly viruous appearance; I have done and thought some things... things I feel the need to get off my chest. So here is a short list of my sins this winter. Enjoy:

1. I have, on more than one occasion, used the word "good" when "well" would have been more  gramatically correct.

 2. I like to taunt the kittens because, unlike people, kittens are not capable of making sassy comebacks. I think I may have hurt their feelings a few times, like when I told Vader he could never have a successful career as a writer because his work is trite and unimaginative and he does not have thumbs. And in today's economy, you gotta have thumbs.

 I'm not totally sure what I do for a living. As such, I don't really care much for my job.

3. I accidentally stole a pack of three chocolate truffles from Shopko. I did not turn myself in to the athorities. 

4. I ate stolen property (#4). And it felt good. I also ate an entire jar of Nutella in two days. That also felt good. 

5. I am strangely attracted to the electric smell of the Schofield elevator.

6. Until two days ago I thought the song "Special K" by Placebo was literally about the cereal and therefore one of the stupidest songs I'd ever heard. FYI, it's actually about a drug which makes lyrics like 

"You come on just like special K/ Just like I swallowed half my stash" a bit more meaningful.

7. I grope statues, often without their permission.

Have a lovely Saturday all, I need to go eat something.

xxoo Hannah

Sometimes I do Things

As I read Mariah's posts, I get the feeling that she's painting a slightly exaggerated portrait of our lives.  She's all like "Woe is me, I have to write Jew papers and read hard books and all Hannah does is take naps, eat, and watch Arrested Development." Well you know what Mariah? I do stuff too. Check it:

I do Suwda's hair and coach her on her singing (not to mention I have to deal with THIS every full moon)

I also do homework. Here is a picture of me doing it. I doubt Mariah has such photographic evidence of her so-called academic toils.

Yesterday I was a Mighty Warrior and I defended my dorm from invaders...Huns Beware!

I'm a good friend too; I'd even venture to say that I'm a better friend than Mariah. I braved rain and chilly weather to support Kai as he got his HUGE tattoo. I even deleted most of the embarrassing pictures I took of him wincing and crying in pain. That is what a good friend I am.

Wanna know what Mariah does all day?

This.

xxoo Hannah

Dear Diary: Mood: Apathetic

Finally a post by the M of H&M. After Hannah's highly amusing post yesterday of the "scariest day of her life", it's time for me to blogg about my feelings and the events of both mine and Hannah's lives.

Today was a horrible day. I got up, went to my English class "The Art of the Short Story", which is more like a bunch of English majors over analyzing EVERYTHING.( Seriously, what if Mark Twain just wanted to write about two boys going down a river), then I went to the library and nursed a tall cup of coffee and a scone. I immersed myself into a bullshit essay about The Structure of Scientific Revolutions which made me use every power in my being not to chuck my laptop out the window. bleh

3 hours later, I had some Geo class that has officially made me HATE rocks. I don't know how my professor does it. Talking for 50 minutes, 3 days a week, about something I never even notice.

Now I have finally finished my paper and I'm tempting to do laundry. My life is a black hole, a bit like that emo kid song on youtube. Mood: apathetic.

Hannah is in the other room all rainbows and butterflies watching Arrested Development for day 120 while I write yet another essay on the Jews.

Oh today I decided I'm going to become an English as Second Language teacher, shit looks easy. (it's a joke all you non English as a First Languagers) I need to figure out a major that would allow me to do this since Poly sci ain't gonna cut it.

Someone asked me yesterday what I'm going to do with my Political Science major, the question I dread the most. I responded like I always do. "Go to law school or become homeless"

Did you know that they make Smarties in scones? neither did I

Peace out gangstas.

p.s. ask Hannah about Saturday night, I'm sure she would love to REMEMBER the good times she had.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdASTkfi91E