Hippocampus vrs. Hippopatamus

I'm really bored and unable to think about anything that makes the slightest bit of sense. So I'd open up and let you guys know how deep I really am.

Here is a list of all the important thoughts rushing through my brain in the order in which I am thinking them:

1. I wish I had a rival. I like to pretend that one of the girls on third is my rival because she has dark hair and wears things with lots of clasps and Velcro which I for some reason elicits my animosity. No one needs that many fasteners unless they have something to hide. All my clothes are held up by sheer willpower.

2. I'd like to tape a big piece of paper over my doorway every night so that in the morning I can burst through it victoriously.

3. I should carry lots of little Jenga pieces in my backpack so that I can dump them on a table and play at anytime in any place.

4. The difference between a hippocampus and a hippopotamus is that one is a big animal and one is Vietnamese.

5. Who's sign language book is that? Can deaf people read? Yes they can. Sorry deaf people.

I hope you enjoyed my complex inner thoughts (I have none) and my picture of a baby giraffe (I WANT ONE).

xoxo Hannah

Did you Know?

*That pregnant ladies are awesome because they can balance plates of food on their bellies like otters?

*That I am not as good at drawing bubble letters as I thought I was?

*That a "character building experience" is really just a regular experience that is going to suck really bad?

*That Mariah mumbles about Walmart in her sleep?

* That my porn name (first pet+ street you grew up on) is Stymie 23?

Well now you know.

xoxo Hannah

There is a Reason Why Math is with Numbers.

*UPDATE*

I have been informed iff may be a math term for "if and only if". I feel much better now.
Now if I can only explain why he wrote "please choice a personal number" today in class.......

Dear Math Professor,

You spelled "if" with two "f's" today. Like "iff".

It really bothered me, and I wondered if anyone else noticed.

I think you are hypocritical, I mean if I put an extra 0 on the number "10"
it would be "100", and it would be wrong.

Perhaps you should consider this when grading my quiz.

Love,

M ( 3 desks from the back)

I Love Picnik.

xoxo Hannah

Reader Discretion Advised

I'm bored. Mariah is sitting next to me giggling to herself like a little school girl as she skypes       (word?) with Martin but I have nothing to do until later so now I am BORED and it HURTS. So I will make a list, as I usually do at times like this, and then I will dip pretzels in Nutella and stuff them into my mouth until I find something more productive to do with my time.

Today's List- Foreign Swear Words/Fun Phrases

1. Kanula din rumpa- Only the Swedish can make "fuck your ass" sound so gosh darn adorable.

2. Hibitchku- Cunt in Serbian

3. Suka/Hui- Bitch/ Dick or fuck in Russian

4. Ich wil ficken- I will fuck- German (You can respond to this in a few ways. One would be to yell "Ja! Zieh die Hosen aus!" (Yes! Take off your pants!) and jump the person. Another would be to scream "Ich bin doch noch Jungfrau!" (But I am still a virgin!) and scamper away.

5. Verdammte Scheiffe! Jetzt ist mir der Praser geplatzt.- German- God damn it! My rubber burst.

6. If your life was a novel, then after #4 and 5 the narrator would probably say something like: "Nach der schnellen Nummer in den buschen, konnte man deutlich die Hobbyflecken auf seiner Hose sehen." (After the quicky in the bushes, you could clearly see the semen stains on his pants.)

7. And in one last show of how cute the Swedish are with everything, including pussy biting, "Jag vill bita din fitta."

Enjoy

xxoo Hannah

 

On relationships and chainsaw dancing...

Poor Mariah! -and for the first (and hopefully last) time, no sarcasm is intended in that statement. I genuinely feel for my dear little roommate. Long distance relationships must suck immesurably. I know I couldn't keep one up; sustained soley by phone calls and Facebook, sleeping alone every night, constantly longing for the embrace of a tall, gangly Swede... I'd give up after about 4 and a half days. I don't have the emotional stamina that Mariah and Martin have. And I sincerly wish them the best....so that when they get married I can be a BRIDESMAID DAMMIT. Can wear a pretty dress and sit at the big table? Please? Think about it.

Anyway, the only qualm I have with Mariah's last post is this: what's wrong with making chainsaw noises, spandex and ballroom dancing 10 year olds? I'll tell you what's wrong: nothing, that's what. I'll have you know that after kittens, money, and 30 Rock, those are a few of my favorite things. In fact, I make chainsaw noises ALL THE TIME... WITH my boyfriend WHILE wearing spandex and watzing with a fourth grader. It's a hobby. So maybe think first before you imply that certain activities are undertaken only by those who are sad and alone and consider that maybe they are perfectly happy and just a bit odd. 

But you really should shave your legs darling. Remember I've got to see them everyday so let's not let ourselves go completely, eh?

xxoo Hannah

Conversation of the Day:

Jet- We kicked their asses FOUR times!

Me- But we've only played three games...

The Boy- And only won two...

Jet- But that's what I'm SAYING. We won FIVE games you guys! I want a REMATCH!

Me- Jet... I don't know how to say this gently, but are you familiar with the order of numbers?

Jet- Fuck you Tori! We won EIGHT games! 

Me- Out of three...

Jet- Hannah, I want you to have this: (*gives hug*).  We are the greatest team EVER.  

The Boy- Yeah you are.

Moral of story- Screw math. Numbers are whatever we want them to be. 

Bio Lecture Lists

What up Dbags?

I am supposed to be taking notes on the Hardy-Weinberg Equilibrium, but instead I've decided to make some lists of things I've been pondering lately. Deep thoughts.

Worst Jobs to Try to Pick up Chicks With:

1. Guy who did the credits at the end of Laser Mission

2. Celery Farmer

3. Guy who says, “Ahhh... Push it.” in the background of “Push It” by Salt-n-Pepa

4. Guy who writes the messages inside of Hallmark cards

5. Guy who edits the labels on Pespi bottles

6. Elephant midwife

7. Guy who designs the pictures on the sides of Kleenex boxes

8. Guy who did the lighting for the British crime drama “Touching Evil”

9. Rapist

10. Guy who discovers and  names different species of fish

Activities I can do after class during that annoying 3 hour period when everyone else is busy:

1. Sleep

2. Eat Sandwich

3. Take bad-ass pictures of self for personal "Bad-Ass Pictures of Myself" scrapbook

4. Make my mom an English-to-texting dictionary

5. Vote

6. Stick multicolored Post-It labels all over the things in my room so I don't forget what things are called

7. Ponder the mysteries of life

8. Call people I haven't talked to in a long long time

9. Feed my fish

10. Practice smiling for pictures

xxoo Hannah

Pros and Cons

In case you didn't know, when I am bored or stressed I make lists. Well this week I've taken to making pros and cons lists which I email to Mariah when I'm supposed to be working at my job.

So today I will share some pros and cons with you dear readers, just in case you are having trouble deciding between two or more things. You are welcome.

Narwhals-

Pros                                                                                         

* Look really cool                                                 

*Are quick, active mammals which                    

feed mainly on cod, squid, and shrimp                

* Tusks                                                                    

Cons

*Can't swim with them or you will be skewered as a kabob

*Beady, untrustworthy eyes

* Not tasty

 

Hand Towels

Pros                                                                                             

* Just the right size for hands                                                     

*Can also be used as a wash cloth

Cons

* Sometimes I mistake them for regular size towels and am

gravely disappointed post shower 

Scarves

Pros                                                                                     

* Keep my neck warm in winter                                                                                       

*Very useful when one is a Mighty Warrior    

* Are pretty

Cons

* Could get caught in an elevator door and kill me

*I find huge pieces of fabric enraging

Hope that helps.

xxoo Hannah

P.S. Kai would like you to know that narwhals were his idea.

"Happens."

                "Zieh deine Hosen aus!"

"You give me 5 minutes!"

Mariah and I got bored- as we tend to do every single god damn night- so we did what any normal mature collegiate young ladies would do in a similar situation. We stole Tim The German's shirt and took pictures pretending to be him.

According to Mariah, if Tim were a chick he would be a hure..."Making her way across the border to sell her body." - Rizky 

He would also look remarkably similar to me. 

xxoo Hannah

P.S. Check out the ghostly orb on my boot. OooooooooOOOOooooo....

Our Free Time

What I am thinking about right now...

1. I love comment cards in the cafeteria! Even if they did censor my racy ode to coconut rice.

2. Pie charts are more true than words but less true than graphs.

3. There is never a situation pressing enough that it merits waking me up before 10 am.

4. Mentos really are the Freshmaker.

5. Female stick figures wear clothes. Male stick figures wear hats. NOT CLOTHES.

6. Putting your hands over your head and lying on the floor will probably not prevent you from being crushed by a falling building.

7. My cat is super bad ass. See?

8. Mariah makes an awesome Sarah Palin.

                                                  

9. If you didn't want me to call you one, then you shouldn't have cut in front of me at the sandwich shop you FAT SLUT.

10. I am shamefully inept at creating metaphors that accurately express my feelings about life.

11. If I were a boy, my name would be Quinn.

12. Why are there so many horizontal surfaces in the world if we are not allowed to sleep on all of them?

Dear Diary: Mood: Apathetic

Finally a post by the M of H&M. After Hannah's highly amusing post yesterday of the "scariest day of her life", it's time for me to blogg about my feelings and the events of both mine and Hannah's lives.

Today was a horrible day. I got up, went to my English class "The Art of the Short Story", which is more like a bunch of English majors over analyzing EVERYTHING.( Seriously, what if Mark Twain just wanted to write about two boys going down a river), then I went to the library and nursed a tall cup of coffee and a scone. I immersed myself into a bullshit essay about The Structure of Scientific Revolutions which made me use every power in my being not to chuck my laptop out the window. bleh

3 hours later, I had some Geo class that has officially made me HATE rocks. I don't know how my professor does it. Talking for 50 minutes, 3 days a week, about something I never even notice.

Now I have finally finished my paper and I'm tempting to do laundry. My life is a black hole, a bit like that emo kid song on youtube. Mood: apathetic.

Hannah is in the other room all rainbows and butterflies watching Arrested Development for day 120 while I write yet another essay on the Jews.

Oh today I decided I'm going to become an English as Second Language teacher, shit looks easy. (it's a joke all you non English as a First Languagers) I need to figure out a major that would allow me to do this since Poly sci ain't gonna cut it.

Someone asked me yesterday what I'm going to do with my Political Science major, the question I dread the most. I responded like I always do. "Go to law school or become homeless"

Did you know that they make Smarties in scones? neither did I

Peace out gangstas.

p.s. ask Hannah about Saturday night, I'm sure she would love to REMEMBER the good times she had.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdASTkfi91E

blah

Today was one of the most terrifying days of my life; I thought I lost my DVDs. I panicked, rummaging madly through my underwear drawer, backpack, fridge, and Mariah's underwear drawer... eventually finding them wedged behind my desk while I was trying to rehang my Flight of the Conchords poster. Thank God.  Now I'm watching Arrested Development and eating Ritz Toasted Chips - cheddar flavored. I need to find more interesting things to do with my time. Like skydiving or making lefse or something. 

Stuff I did today

1. Woke up

2. Went back to sleep

3. Ate a nutritious dinner  of salad and ice cream

4. Hated those damn bells

5. Wrote in this blog

Hotter than a Soup Kitchen..

It's Saturday here in Eau Claire and Mariah and I find ourselves bored and in need of activity. Last night we dressed up like the female members of ABBA and held an impromptu photo shoot, but it's not like you can really do that more than once or twice a month... so without any cool international parties to go to (and make an ass of ourselves at) and since we discovered we were not quite as great of songwriters as we had thought earlier today (not our fault- you try rhyming Al Franken with something other than spankin') we have decided to create a blog. Everyone else is doing it. And we are not those kind of people who can resist peer pressure. Ask a Brazilian... we won't tell you which one.