Wow.

Today I heard a girl in my dorm pee continuously and with unwavering strength for a full 3 minutes. I counted. At first I thought there must be a leak somewhere in the bathroom... I mean it doesn't seem possible for one person to expel that much liquid and still have enough left over for things like, I don't know, BLOOD... but when it finally stopped and I heard the rustling of toilet paper, I knew that there must be a human in there. 

Girl in the bathroom, I do not know who you are, but I salute you. You clearly excel at the noble art of urination and you deserve to be recognized for your accomplishments. Your bathroom antics had me so perplexed that I had to wait until after you left to pee myself. That has never happened before. Good job.

xoxo Hannah 

I'm T-Pain, You Know Me

Dear Thugs,

As the end of Sunday approaches, I feel the need to contemplate my week as well as procrastinate studying for my photography test.

First of all,I highly recommend you to watch this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7yfISlGLNU

You know you want to.

This week was one that seemed to drag on for forever, but the things I did will look minimal to the things to come this week. Sigh.

I did do some fun things though. I hid a note in a digestion model in biology. I watched some weird guy air drum while waiting for lecture to start. I didn't fall as much as usual. Martin and I came up with an STD version of a Swedish pop song. (It's not our fault gonorrhea sounds so much like Cara Mia) I went to Target(!) and had Noodles & Co.

As you see friends, my life is like a mirror image of how T-Pain's must be. Bitches and ho's, bio models, and mother effing math.

OH, I have decided on my future career path in the motherfucking Swede land, bitches. I have decided that being an English teacher would be a perfecto job for me. I mean I could teach some teenagers what being a badass American is all about. I would have rap day, teach crumping, and drop it like it's hot.

Speaking of being a straight up thug. I decided that Martin and my future children should be raised like they call Compton home.

Picture this: A cute Kindergarten class full of blonde hair, blue eyed children ready to open their little minds to the world of colors, numbers, and kittens, when..... (cue the musical styling of 50 cent's P.I.M.P. )

Two small brown hair, brown eyed children role up in wife beaters and cornrows, flashin' ice like they be frozen. They acknowledge their teacher with a small head tilt up and take their seat while showin' their grilz with a snarl.

"Today class we will learn about animals."- innocent Scandinavian teacher (in Swedish)

"Bitch, we don't wanna learn about no animals."- our children

Adorable? Yeah, Martin didn't think so either. I think he pictures them more of a Van Trapp family singers also. (although he is pretty gangsta, looking at this picture)

Annnnyyywaayyy, I must continue to study.

Stay Fresh

Love Love,
M

A Note Of ThankYou

Dear Readers,

For a while there we only thought there were 5 of you, but now we can see with our nifty person counter there are 122 of you! wow!

The thing is, we never hear from you, what you like and what you don't. I think Hannah and I both would love it if you commented more on our blogs or even just commented on this one that way we know that you are real people and not just my boyfriend going on different computers.

You are all wonderful.

Love, Love, Love,

M

13 Sticks of Butter and a Pastry

My first week back at college has come and gone. This is my summary.

First of all, my classes are ridiculous, but not like like in a cool gangster way like "this shit is ridiculous!", but more of like an imaginary number sort of ridiculous like "this shit is ridiculous!".

This semester I have "entertaining" classes but I will not name them in order to be able to ridicule them without consequences.

I will put it this way

I can only understand 2 of my 5 professors due to speech impediments, thick accents, and low mumbling.

Here is further summarization of 2 professors, I count them as professors not for their degree but since I can understand them. (no offence to accents, speech impediments, and low mumbling):

I have one art teacher that I absolutely adore to pieces, too bad he has nothing to do with my future career as a homeless person/housewife/face painter. His downside is I have to walk across an effing bridge over water (Simon and Garfunkel style) to get to him in negative temperatures.


My science professor is cute as a button. She looks the type that would bake you cookies and explain the inner workings of your liver. Today in lab she even helped me make an onion slide for microscope (and only me), either that is love or she senses I have special needs.

Summarization Complete... Now to professors I can only explain with text imitations.

A. "the mission ugghhhhh of uhghhhh this class ughhhhhhh is ughhhhh to ughhhh teach."

B. "Iraq dklfsjsldkjfsdkljfsldk wars sdkfjlsdkjfldsjflksd Pirates 98IEJJDKkjKDLJFLSKJ"

C. "the equathion ith thimple ith youth think about ith"

Disclaimer: I really love these profs, I think they mean well, and I don't mean to sound rude or unappreciative, but I just can't understand them. I get so confused in class because I try to take notes but it just doesn't work. Wish me luck, really.

My week was bad until I saw someone had signed up Rick James for the College Feminists and a theater major yelled "If you are what you eat, then I'm 13 sticks of butter and a pastry"

Oh and no one will sit by me!! seriously, I'm worried if I'm the smelly kid in class. Like people are picking the seats next to the big guy playing World of War Craft instead of me. NO JOKE. Every single class there is always one seat next to me until the last possible moment in class where some says "Eff my life, I have to sit next to her".

The End

Love Love Love
your Unfortunate Friend M

p.s. a water pipe just broke in my building. really.

8e8 <3

Bio Lecture Lists

What up Dbags?

I am supposed to be taking notes on the Hardy-Weinberg Equilibrium, but instead I've decided to make some lists of things I've been pondering lately. Deep thoughts.

Worst Jobs to Try to Pick up Chicks With:

1. Guy who did the credits at the end of Laser Mission

2. Celery Farmer

3. Guy who says, “Ahhh... Push it.” in the background of “Push It” by Salt-n-Pepa

4. Guy who writes the messages inside of Hallmark cards

5. Guy who edits the labels on Pespi bottles

6. Elephant midwife

7. Guy who designs the pictures on the sides of Kleenex boxes

8. Guy who did the lighting for the British crime drama “Touching Evil”

9. Rapist

10. Guy who discovers and  names different species of fish

Activities I can do after class during that annoying 3 hour period when everyone else is busy:

1. Sleep

2. Eat Sandwich

3. Take bad-ass pictures of self for personal "Bad-Ass Pictures of Myself" scrapbook

4. Make my mom an English-to-texting dictionary

5. Vote

6. Stick multicolored Post-It labels all over the things in my room so I don't forget what things are called

7. Ponder the mysteries of life

8. Call people I haven't talked to in a long long time

9. Feed my fish

10. Practice smiling for pictures

xxoo Hannah

Hi, I'm hannah

Hannah is too busy with hanging out with her boys who don't have real names, making brownies and watching 30 Rock to even bother to update everyone on her life. Here is what hannah is up to.

1) Class

2) Sleep

3) Class

4) Sleep

5) Eat

6) Sitting in my room

7) Going out

xoxox

H (as M)

And Next- "Laser Mission II: The Second Laser Mission"

  

For years I thought I was happy. I  lived in a comfortable home with loving parents, I wore the finest of clothes, I watched the finest of shows, and I had an awesome cat who could fetch. But this Friday my world was shaken. For on this night I had the chance to experience a little film called Laser Mission in all it's low budget, badly written, anti-Soviet glory, and I realized that I had never known true happiness until then. 

Tagline: His assignment: Find the world's most dangerous laser weapon or take the heat. Her assignment: Turn up the heat. 

Hells yes.

This work of cinematic genius follows Agent Michael Gold (portrayed flawlessly by Brandon Lee) as he and some blonde chick with a huge rack roam Africa in a bus killing black people, Russians, an Australian, some inexplicable Cubans, but let's face it, mostly black people, in a quest to get a big diamond and prevent the Soviets from destroying capitalism with- get this- LASERS. interestingly enough, there are no lasers in this movie.

Here are some choice quotes from my new favorite film:

Inexplicably Cuban Guard: [to Michael Gold] Ha-ha they're going to cut off your head mañana. 

Prof. Braun: You see, with the Varbeek diamond and my laser, I can create a nuclear weapon. (It's just that easy.)

Alissa: I'm Alissa Braun. How do you think I am? I'm hot, I'm tired, I'm hungry and I'm thirsty and I'm walking around in these high heels all day and I have blisters on my feet! And quit asking me such stupid questions, all right? And let me tell you something else, buster, you're not my idea of a dream date! You asshole! 
Michael Gold: That's Mr. Asshole to you. (Buuuurrrrrrnnnnn)

Dear reader, If I can impart one thing to you during my time here on Earth, I'd like it to be this: a life without Laser Mission is an empty one. 

xxoo Hannah