And Next- "Laser Mission II: The Second Laser Mission"

  

For years I thought I was happy. I  lived in a comfortable home with loving parents, I wore the finest of clothes, I watched the finest of shows, and I had an awesome cat who could fetch. But this Friday my world was shaken. For on this night I had the chance to experience a little film called Laser Mission in all it's low budget, badly written, anti-Soviet glory, and I realized that I had never known true happiness until then. 

Tagline: His assignment: Find the world's most dangerous laser weapon or take the heat. Her assignment: Turn up the heat. 

Hells yes.

This work of cinematic genius follows Agent Michael Gold (portrayed flawlessly by Brandon Lee) as he and some blonde chick with a huge rack roam Africa in a bus killing black people, Russians, an Australian, some inexplicable Cubans, but let's face it, mostly black people, in a quest to get a big diamond and prevent the Soviets from destroying capitalism with- get this- LASERS. interestingly enough, there are no lasers in this movie.

Here are some choice quotes from my new favorite film:

Inexplicably Cuban Guard: [to Michael Gold] Ha-ha they're going to cut off your head mañana. 

Prof. Braun: You see, with the Varbeek diamond and my laser, I can create a nuclear weapon. (It's just that easy.)

Alissa: I'm Alissa Braun. How do you think I am? I'm hot, I'm tired, I'm hungry and I'm thirsty and I'm walking around in these high heels all day and I have blisters on my feet! And quit asking me such stupid questions, all right? And let me tell you something else, buster, you're not my idea of a dream date! You asshole! 
Michael Gold: That's Mr. Asshole to you. (Buuuurrrrrrnnnnn)

Dear reader, If I can impart one thing to you during my time here on Earth, I'd like it to be this: a life without Laser Mission is an empty one. 

xxoo Hannah