Dear Cecilia,

I miss you.

You are in China and this greatly bothers me for a number of reasons.

1.) You are even further away from me than when you are in Sweden.

2.) China will overtake America economically, and as an American, I dislike this.

3) I worry about your well being since I know from personal experiences, I'm always hungry only an hour after eating Chinese food.

4.) China likes Cuba. (not that I dislike Cubans, but my government has it pretty well spelled out)

5.) I hear they don't have pretzels in Asia, from my Japanese friend, and pretzels are my favorite food.

6.) I'm worried you look like a circus freak among the Chinese people.

7.) two words: BIRD FLU

8.) Youtube is censored in China and you cannot watch the Naked Swedish Crispbread dancers

9.) You have no conception of time zones and you always end up calling me at 6 a.m. my time drunk with techno music blaring.

10) Did I mention you are far away from me?

As a child I was led to believe if I dug a hole deep enough I would end up in China, I wish I never grew out of that mindset.

We need to fix this situation soon because I need you when I'm in Svenksa land as my cultural interpreter.

Come home to me friend.

Love Love

M

Dear Marie from the Swedish Embassy,

You called an hour early.

I mean here I was, at 8:05 a.m. about to brush my teeth when I see you calling.

You never mentioned our interview was your time, not mine.

Don't worry, Martin have a time difference problem too, I'm used to it.


The surprise attack was good, it didn't give me time to work myself up about all the things that could go wrong.

I thought it was funny how you asked if you woke me up.

God I must have sounded awful!
I said no, I mean I did wake up 5 minutes before you called. It was a long sleepless night anyway.

Marie, it turns out you are just as funny and nice as I would imagine a best friend to be. You even spent about 10 minutes talking about just how bad you thought Eskilstuna was, since, as it turns out, you are from Eskilstuna. You did admit to being spoiled in DC. I would imagine that.

You told me it was a good thing I was going to be living in Gothenburg.

The questions you asked weren't very hard. That was nice of you. I did think it was funny when you would talk about hotel burnings in Eskilstuna, laugh then say.

"Well enough about me, when was Martin born?"

It was like you were trying to catch me off guard. Damn those DC people train you well.

Our conversation didn't last so long, but you did act a little motherly during the time. I thought this was amusing.

"You'll wait to have kids till after university right??"

" Of course we will."

" You know this is a big step and you could just study abroad."

"Yes, I am aware of that"

Oh Marie, I've been through these questions and options a million times. I will be fine.

Really Marie, thank you. You made me feel so much more relaxed even if you did ask me some hard questions and tried to caution me. Just like any best friend would do.

I asked what you thought my chances were.

You said you didn't see any reason they would deny me.

On the other hand, you said if Martin was to apply to live in America, he wouldn't be able to unless he married me or was on a student visa.

I feel superior.

Thanks again for everything,

Love Love

M

p.s. this picture is the image in my head of Eskilstuna the way you spoke abou it.

Dear Nerves,

Please calm down.

I have done everything to make you behave and stop making me shake.

I studied something completely boring to distract you.

I exercised to release endorphins.

I took a long hot shower with cozy lavender soap.

I put on my fresh pjs.

I daydreamed of rolling waves along the shore of a warm beach.

I even listened to Simon and Garfunkel.

What is wrong with you? The interview will go fine.

Love Love,
M

Dear Sweden

My life seems to revolve around you now a days.

Last night I went to one of your country's movies called "Let the Right One In". It was showing on campus as part of the international film series. Cecilia told me it was stupid, Martin told me I should go just for the Swedish.

To tell you the truth, Sweden, I was confused because I wasn't sure if this was a real horror movie about a 12 year old Swedish vampire child, or dark comedy love story. Maybe it was all of those things? Well I did enjoy it, but for some reason, the Swedish language does not scare me.

German, well that's another story. You should listen to Tim the German while he plays soccer, then you would see what I mean.

Sweden, I really hope you will let me come and stay in August. I would really like another person to be present when I'm feeling sorry for myself once again in my room watching the "Harry Potter Weekend" on tv and passing out after eating one of the largest chocolate cookies known to mankind.

I think Martin would prevent cookie comatose.

Also, we have one of your countrymen here. Martin and I call him Sven, but I think his real name is Gusav? Not real sure, but he has been pointed out to me at dinner once. Every time I see him on campus, I resist the urge to say "HELP ME WITH MY SWEDISH" while pulling on his leg.

I think all of my friends are getting sick of me talking about my You.

I am obsessed.

Today one of my Mongolian friends stopped me in the hall to talk about my interview Wednesday. She told me in all seriousness "Mariah, maybe you should resist the urge to say whatever you are thinking, and not be so crazy".

I would like to thank the country of Mongolia for that advice.

While I have never wanted something so bad as this Visa, I also worry about other things.

Here are some things I am worried about you not having for me which I have compiled into a list:

1. I will miss Walmart. No cecilia, ICA maxi is only a cheap imitation.

2. I will miss poptarts, free plastic bags, Arizona Diet Green Tea, Cranberry Juice, Famous Dave's BBQ sauce, Green Bay Packers, my family, comfortable clothing, President Obama, English, ugly people (since I hear there are none in Sweden), fellow brunettes, real gangsta rap, country music, trashy tv shows, Anderson Cooper, my friends, people getting my pop culture jokes, oh and cars ( I hear you walk everywhere, ew)


Oh Sweden, I have such a love hate relationship with you.

I love Martin.

I hate lingonberries.


Love Love

M

Dear Lykke Li,

I wish more people loved you in the US.
(instead of Toby Keith)

love love

M

Dear Marie From the Swedish Embassy,

I have a feeling we will be best friends.

I cannot express how happy I was to hear that you had phoned. It's just too bad I missed it and you had left the office by the time I called back.

What did you think when you heard my answer machine "Hey, It's Mariah, Leave a message!"
and you responded "Hello Mariah Phillips, this is Marie calling from the Swedish Embassy in Washington D.C. regarding scheduling a telephone interview with you, call me back at the following number...."

I think it's kind of funny, no one from my country's capital has ever called me.

I spoke to you today. I was so nervous all night and couldn't sleep. I had to wake up a half an hour earlier so I could calm down enough to speak.

I rang you at exactly 8:02 a.m.. I was going to call at exactly 8 but I lost my nerve.

You took me by surprise by answering right away and I managed to stammer out "thisismariahphillipscallingaboutmyswedishresidencepermit"

I'm glad you understood me.

I must say Marie, I swore up and down to Martin you were American by your accent on my answer machine, but when you answered I could tell you immediately weren't.

You had a British/Australian/American (or lack of an accent) accent. This is very distinguishable as a Swedish accent. If it's one thing I've learned, it is that a Swede has a very malleable accent when speaking English, in which they take on the accent of which they are surrounded by.

Cecilia has developed an American accent.

Martin had a British accent but it slowly turned American from talking to me every day. (he is still bitter about that)

You, Marie, must have seen a lot of Australians, Brits, and Americans in your lifetime.

Oh, and I see your last name is Whitman, you must have married an American! Good for you!!

Anyway, we have a scheduled interview next wednesday at 9 a.m. I have been thinking contstantly about what you will ask. I think I have been studying more for this in my head than my for my biology lab exam on Friday.

I just wish I could tell you Marie how much it means to me for you to put in a good word for me at the Swedish Embassy. You have my future in your hands and I appreciate all your hard work.

Oh Marie, Martin and I have imagined that you took the pictures we sent you and put them in some sort of collage of happy couples you've helped.

That's nice.

Please Marie, I love him so much.

Sincerely,

M

p.s. I think you would enjoy this song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m57pX0neh68

A Love Letter

Dear Martin,

You are 21 years old today! How exciting darling! Maybe I should start calling you my "Manfriend" now!?

In the US you could finally legally drink, but that is an old hat for you since you have been an alcoholic in Swede land since the age of 18.

I hope you have a truly special day and relish in the gifts I sent you.

I am so lucky to have found such a distinguished older man.

I love you.

Mariah

p.s. I really hope you don't feel pervy dating a teenager...

A Hermione in a World of Malfoys

Dear Lovers of Life,

As you all know I am applying to move to Sweden sometime in the fall and I have been faced with the problem of a language barrier.

So I admit, I haven't been really using the cd I bought for 12 dollars off of Amazon. I just find it very difficult, and sometimes I rather watch reruns of A Haunting with Hannah, curled up on the floor in a blanket...

but today Martin told me something that made me feel guilty. "Mom asked about your Swedish learning, I told her you had been practicing, but are you?"

Errrm I haven't. I mean I do know lots of words and sentences that Martin said I'm never to use in any public setting. (but they sound so cute!). Well anyway I promised Martin I would start practicing. So I ventured up to the fourth floor of the library, searched "Swedish" in the computers and found the section.

Hannah came with for moral support where we found the small Scandinavian language section. It was quite small and old, I think some of the authors might have been the first to speak Swedish, but with the help of Hannah we picked some out that looked rather interesting.

Hannah selected some Russian books although I thought it would be fun for her to learn Norwegian so we could compete against each other, like the US and our special friend to the north (hint: they love maple syrup and have a giant ass leaf as a symbol).

SO after procrastinating by of working out and asking hannah if she would rather be a hamster or a gerbil, I began to read them. I felt so ridiculous, I could just imagine my Cecilia Bergsland calling me a retardo.

It hurt my feelings.

I really will try very hard. It's just I have a fear of never quite fitting in. I told Martin I would be like A Hermonie in a world of Malfoys. Then he asked if we had kids with Magical Powers, would we send them to Hogwarts because England was quite far away.

We agreed homeschooling would be the best route.

Anyway, I'm thinking about putting an ad in the paper, I mean there has to be someone old who speaks Swedish. It would look like this.

WANTED: OLD SCANDINAVIAN PERSON
MUST: Know Swedish
Bake Cookies
Compliment Me on Being Cute
and Knit Me Sweaters
IN RETURN I WILL:
Look at Pictures of Your Cat Birthday Parties
Not Tell You How Weird Your House Smells.

or something like that.

Oh and dear Swedish readers, why do you always so sound so happy?? Even the F word sounds like something you would top cookies with.

Love your hopeless friend,

M

p.s. Martin and my baby (the visa application) arrived at the Swedish consulate in DC on Valentine's Day (!!!)

p.s.s. är det en liten smörgås, Martin?

Reader Discretion Advised

I'm bored. Mariah is sitting next to me giggling to herself like a little school girl as she skypes       (word?) with Martin but I have nothing to do until later so now I am BORED and it HURTS. So I will make a list, as I usually do at times like this, and then I will dip pretzels in Nutella and stuff them into my mouth until I find something more productive to do with my time.

Today's List- Foreign Swear Words/Fun Phrases

1. Kanula din rumpa- Only the Swedish can make "fuck your ass" sound so gosh darn adorable.

2. Hibitchku- Cunt in Serbian

3. Suka/Hui- Bitch/ Dick or fuck in Russian

4. Ich wil ficken- I will fuck- German (You can respond to this in a few ways. One would be to yell "Ja! Zieh die Hosen aus!" (Yes! Take off your pants!) and jump the person. Another would be to scream "Ich bin doch noch Jungfrau!" (But I am still a virgin!) and scamper away.

5. Verdammte Scheiffe! Jetzt ist mir der Praser geplatzt.- German- God damn it! My rubber burst.

6. If your life was a novel, then after #4 and 5 the narrator would probably say something like: "Nach der schnellen Nummer in den buschen, konnte man deutlich die Hobbyflecken auf seiner Hose sehen." (After the quicky in the bushes, you could clearly see the semen stains on his pants.)

7. And in one last show of how cute the Swedish are with everything, including pussy biting, "Jag vill bita din fitta."

Enjoy

xxoo Hannah

 

When I was young, I never needed anyone...

All by myself,

this song rang through the house today as I was abandoned for the fifth day in a row. There I was making french toast and french fries for dinner and watching the millionth episode of America's next top model, when I stopped and realized how pathetic I had become since Martin had left.

I mean when Martin was here I would never lay on the couch making chainsaw noises for a half an hour nor would I throw out my arm playing Wii tennis.

I wouldn't wear spandex leggings and do seizure like dance moves to Swedish techno dance music.

I would never dream of eating every chocolate substance in the house while watching some British tv show about 10 year old ballroom dancers.

I would never go without shaving my legs either.

Life has changed without Martin here, that is for sure.


Love,

M

Svenksa, ya

well hello people,

So I am finally back to write a bit about the life I'm sure you all have missed. So maybe you are tired of listening to how my roomie Hannah is not/is a nerd and how she does things, but who could really get tired of that adorable girl.

Well I feel I should tell you about my little vaca, or at least the best part.

Martin came on the 31st all the way from the land of blonde hair and blue eyes. While here he experienced many new cultural things.

Here are just a few things he did.

1.) eat mac and cheese, bbq, peanut butter, peanut butter cups, chocolate chip cookies/dough, elephant ice cream, corn dogs, pizza bites, and kool aid all for the first time.

2.) toured hayward in all it's glory

3) went into the ditch and pulled out by 5 strong men in overalls.

4.)went glow bowling

5.) learned how to ice fish with tip ups

6) learned how to let my brother win in all games

He left on the 13th and it was all very sad, so sad that I was prompted to fix this whole distance problem. I applied to college in Gothenburg, Sweden for fall 09. We will see how that goes, no holding our breath.

So this blog may go international ladies and gentlemen.

Love,

M

Hotter than a Soup Kitchen..

It's Saturday here in Eau Claire and Mariah and I find ourselves bored and in need of activity. Last night we dressed up like the female members of ABBA and held an impromptu photo shoot, but it's not like you can really do that more than once or twice a month... so without any cool international parties to go to (and make an ass of ourselves at) and since we discovered we were not quite as great of songwriters as we had thought earlier today (not our fault- you try rhyming Al Franken with something other than spankin') we have decided to create a blog. Everyone else is doing it. And we are not those kind of people who can resist peer pressure. Ask a Brazilian... we won't tell you which one.