Things that Should Appologize- June Edition

1. Vader:

I'm trying to decide whether you have a bladder infection or are just a douche bag. I'm leaning towards douche bag... a tiny, furry, adorable little douche bag.

2. "Fry Bread"  and "Turkey-Guns":

Both of you are FUCKING WEIRD. And considering some of the people who frequent the Cafe, that's saying something. Stop talking to me. Fry Bread,  You are a sad, pathetic man who can't find a woman his own age, and I will never never never never never go out with you ever never never ever. I think I am supposed to feel sorry for you, everyone else does, but whenever I see your face and the gross way you walk, I just want to stab you in the face with a hammer. Whether that threat makes any sense is irrelivant... when there is a hammer in your face.

And Turkey Guns, yes that is the only nickname we could come up with- Turkey because you won't shut up, and Guns because you are the kind of man who would open fire on an abortion clinic. I don't give a fuck about how you grow squash and I most definitely will NOT help you sell bomb shelters door to door. Who the fuck would buy a bomb shelter from a door to door salesman anyway? WTF? And how dare you show up at Taco Johns today and try to explain to me what Taco Tuesday is as if I'm some kind of uncultured moron who doesn't understand the value of 99 cent tacos. God damn fascist.

3. Children:

You guys are cute and all, but could you be a little cleaner? Maybe not eat paint? And wash your own dishes? And if it's not too much trouble perhaps you could just stop all that pooping? And while you're at it, hell, let's just cease the peeing as well, huh? Because honestly, and don't be offended because I think you're great, this whole "going to the bathroom" thing is gross and  it has to stop. It makes you smell bad and it means I have to change a diaper which is not really that fun for me, has to be awkward for you, and just basically no one is having a good time. Your pooping ruins my fun. There, I said it.

3 Things that Should Apologize- Part II

Battlestar Galactica:

You are a blight on all mankind. Had we met under different circumstances maybe I could have tolerated you; perhaps I could have even seen past the science fiction-iness & appreciated all that wonderful character development I have been told you exhibit... yes... we could have been friends Battlestar, but you HAD to go there. Seducing my boyfriend with your robots and lasers and all that damn SPACE SHIT... dammit Battlestar Galactica, you are a heartless bitch! I mean, how can a normal girl compete with a fictional nuclear holocaust perpetrated by sexy human-robot things? Not even remotely possible. 

But there are only 6 seasons. And then Battlestar Galactica, like the cheap tramp of a television show you are, you will be back out on the streets, searching for the next nerd you can sell your sinful wares to. I hope you get herpes.

RuPaul:

I watched a few episodes of your new VH1 show, RuPaul's Drag Race. I couldn't help it. It's not that the concept of an America's Next Top Model meets Project Runway meets The Great Pretender search for "America's Next Drag Queen Superstar" particularly appealed to me at first; but when I heard you call for an impromptu "Vogue-off" competition for immunity, I was mesmerized. And then when you then took it to the next level, making your bottom two contestants "Lip sync for their LIVES" with your signature call of "DON'T FUCK IT UP!", it was officially too late for me; I couldn't change the channel.  Like a drug, your sequins, sassiness, and shameless self promotion of your ballin' new single "Covergirl (Put the Bass in Your Walk)" has me hooked. You and your girls are like heroin. Gay, bitchy heroin. 

And like heroin, I feel so guilty. I can't work up the courage to tell people, "What did I do on Saturday? I watched RuPaul's Drag Race. No big deal." 

Why did you do this to me RuPaul?! Please say you are sorry. I can't live like this anymore.

Precipitation:

Leave North Dakota alone! What did they ever do to YOU?! You devastate them with the worst flood in their history and then you throw in a blizzard... just to be sure everyone is suitably cold and wet enough. Precipitation, you better not show your face in Wisconsin or I'll make you wish you NEVER evaporated into the atmosphere.

xoxo Hannah

3 Things that Should Appologize

1. Candy Hearts:

You taste like extra strength ibuprofrin if it was accidentally stored with fruit, and yet you have no pain releiving properties.  So tell me, what are you good for? 

Nothing. Just give up (especially you, banana flavored heart. You know why).

2. Girl who Took my Clothes Out of The Drier and Left them, Still Damp, on a Table,

If I were to organize an outline about my feelings for you it would look like this:

I. You are a bitch who should not do laundry.

A. There were two open dryers besides mine.

1. I totally opened your dryer up with 30 minutes left JUST TO SPITE YOU. 

a. I would have thrown my gum in there too but the flavor was not gone yet.

B.  Do you realize you wasted $1.75 washing four sweaters?

1. Are you retarded?

a. Yes you are.

3. Ice:

You made me fall down and hurt my knee. What gives you the right to be so slippery?

 

Letters of appology can be sent to my email or dorm address. 

xoxo (but not to YOU candy hearts, laundry girl, or ice)

 Hannah