1. Vader:
I'm trying to decide whether you have a bladder infection or are just a douche bag. I'm leaning towards douche bag... a tiny, furry, adorable little douche bag.
Both of you are FUCKING WEIRD. And considering some of the people who frequent the Cafe, that's saying something. Stop talking to me. Fry Bread, You are a sad, pathetic man who can't find a woman his own age, and I will never never never never never go out with you ever never never ever. I think I am supposed to feel sorry for you, everyone else does, but whenever I see your face and the gross way you walk, I just want to stab you in the face with a hammer. Whether that threat makes any sense is irrelivant... when there is a hammer in your face.
And Turkey Guns, yes that is the only nickname we could come up with- Turkey because you won't shut up, and Guns because you are the kind of man who would open fire on an abortion clinic. I don't give a fuck about how you grow squash and I most definitely will NOT help you sell bomb shelters door to door. Who the fuck would buy a bomb shelter from a door to door salesman anyway? WTF? And how dare you show up at Taco Johns today and try to explain to me what Taco Tuesday is as if I'm some kind of uncultured moron who doesn't understand the value of 99 cent tacos. God damn fascist.
3. Children:
You guys are cute and all, but could you be a little cleaner? Maybe not eat paint? And wash your own dishes? And if it's not too much trouble perhaps you could just stop all that pooping? And while you're at it, hell, let's just cease the peeing as well, huh? Because honestly, and don't be offended because I think you're great, this whole "going to the bathroom" thing is gross and it has to stop. It makes you smell bad and it means I have to change a diaper which is not really that fun for me, has to be awkward for you, and just basically no one is having a good time. Your pooping ruins my fun. There, I said it.
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