An exciting day.

Today I did some stuff. Here is some stuff that I did:

1. Accepted a new addition into my family.

Humphrey the fish died last night after 1.5 years of faithfully guarding my room from intruders. I purchased his replacement today. Meet Lucius: he is a male beta and his hobbies include swimming, attacking, and sitting in one place. His favorite meal is Betamin color-enhancing flakes with a side of his own poop. We love him.

2. Saw this thing. WTF.

3. I bought ice skates today, and even though the very notion of a group of people moving at fast speeds on a slippery surface with sharp metal attached to their feet makes me quiver with fear, I intend to use them. There are two reasons for this:

1) I have not yet heard of anyone who has had a limb cut off or been permanently

disfigured by ice skates so I think maybe I can escape with just a few scratches or a

broken finger or two.

2) If I don't go Jamie will yell at me.

xoxo Hannah

Superpoop Wednesday!

Courtesy of Drew at Superpoop.com, my inspiration when it comes to putting witty captions on photos. Enjoy.

superpoop.com

superpoop.com

xoxo Hannah

A Philosophical Rant

There are some in this world who would call me cynical, even negative. They'd probably tell you that it is people like me, with my disgustingly realistic views of society that keep us all under the iron clad grip of "The Man."

"How dare she suggest that we can't all return to a solely farming and trading economy and live in perfect harmony without the constraints of money or government? Has she no soul!?"

Well you know what? I do have a soul, and you can suck it. My proverbial cup may not be overflowing with mythical creatures and children's glee like yours is, but it is at least half full with something most* of the time.

I like to think of myself as less of a habitual dream crusher and more of a realist. If you can somehow make a reasonable case as to how synchronizing our thoughts into one universal consciousness is a practical solution to gang violence I would love to hear it. If you could incorporate a Powerpoint and bar graph into your presentation I would be even more impressed. However until you can work some sort of logic into your idealism, I will be forced to filter all communication I receive from you into the "whiny middle-class white kid who took an introductory philosophy class" folder in my brain.

* Sometimes I am legitimately a bitch. :)

xoxo Hannah

We Always Have Time for Nerd Pictures.

I'm sure we've all wondered at some point in our lives, "What is that kid in marching band thinking right now?" I'm happy to tell you we now have the technology to find out.

Who needs a shirt when you have jazz hands like this?

Guess who's the black sheep in this family? But to be fair, the cats are actually bombs.
When it's love, you just know.

Thank you to awkwardfamilyphotos.com for cataloguing these gems and for consistently distracting me from doing any actual work.

xoxo Hannah

Don't let This Happen to You.

Circumcisions, the existence of North Dakota, unemployed children... over the past year we here at Yu Baina Gangsta have made up and then raised awareness for many important causes. And even though we've surely filled our good Samaritan quota for life, we're far from finished!

November is officially "Stubbed Toe Awareness Month" so break out the champagne, tape some protective padding around the sharp corners of your furniture and prepare to be made aware.

Did you know that stubbed toes effect over 800 million people* EVERY DAY? That is more people than circumcision and North Dakota combined! Doing the math, that means every year 10 in 10 people are victim to this horrible condition. In layman's terms, that is every person in the entire world** . The stubbed toe menace spares no one; small children, pregnant women, dogs, everyone is susceptible. Even you.

Now you might be thinking "So what? I've gone to parties, smoked some grass, stubbed my toe. Big deal. Nothing bad is going to happen to me!"

That is where you would be wrong. Repeated toe stubbing may lead to fractures, misalignment of toes, impaired balance, and eventually death***. Is that what you want?

Stubbed toes are here. They are in your house, at your work, and in your children's schools. Be aware, wear supportive shoes, and watch where you and your loved ones are going.

xoxo Hannah

*estimated

** people without toes excluded from survey

*** from falling due to poor balance

Notes (You Know you've Missed Me)

1. Dear Shrubs: trip me once, shame on me. Trip me twice and I will take a picture of you, and then add degrading captions to it.

2. Dear Wesboro Baptist Church:

In recognition of your tireless work in the field of shameless douchebaggery even in the face of violence, ridicule and sunlight, I say unto you : Right back atcha bitches!

P.S. nice shades.

3: Dear laundry,

Do yourself. Kthanx.

Much love,

xoxo Hannah

Dear New Roomie,

I've got no idea what you are like and I'm sure we'll be great friends,

but I found this picture today and immediately prayed it wasn't you.

If you want to keep American airports safe from the orc menace (as this elf appears to be doing) that's awesome, but no giant squares-on-a-stick in the room, ok? Not only will I undoubtedly trip over it, but it will get magic all over everything and then who has to vacuum? ME.

Here's to hoping you don't hunt your own game, wet the bed, or have a nickname like Skinless Jack.

xoxo Hannah

Dear Göteborg,

I now have a mode of transportation so give me a job already!

Places I have e-mailed in your lovely city that I might be qualifed for:

Worker at a museum gift shop

Subway location 1,2, and 3

Yes, Even Burger King

c'mon already, I'm trying to learn Swedish!
love love

M

Dear New Swedish Home

I adore you

love love

M

Men are from mars? No Shit.

Last night as the boy was tightly bundling me in blankets "like a burrito" as is my preference, he looked lovingly into my eyes and said "I hope you never find anyone weirder than me." He then gave me an affectionate bite on the chin, told me I looked like a mermaid, and retired to the living room to eat Lucky Charms for awhile.

Well dearest David, I can assure you I will never find anyone weirder than you and here is why:

1. I once came over to find you'd gone to Shopko and purchased just three things: mouse traps, string, and plastic sheeting. In a related story, yesterday we went to Walmart where I bought groceries. You bought tape for your label maker and a glass.

2.  You are a "do it yourselfer", but not the kind of DIY stuff that most people do like fixing the sink or installing fashionable handles on their cupboards. That shit's way too mainstream, and might also require some sort of appropriate tool or supply that you do not have the skill to whittle or mold out of stray paper clips and would therefore have to BUY. But when it comes to making cat scratching posts, candles, or make-shift surround sound systems, you're pretty good.  Not so sure about your "wall of cereal boxes" idea, but hey, we'll see.

3. Scenario: I'm vacuuming the living room and I come across a ball of tin foil. What to do? Anywhere else I'd just throw it out and no one would know the difference, but since I'm at your place I now have to consider a whole set of different scenarios: was this your special tin foil? Are there any precious memories attached to it? Was it one of the main components of that nuclear reactor you were working on and I am simply to ignorant of such things to notice the perfect folds that must have taken you hours to complete to precision? At this point I usually just put the tin foil in the box with the mouse traps and the string and decide to ask you about it later.

4.You may call the sheet that hangs from your ceiling a "room divider" but we all know what it really is... a fort.

In conclusion 

Ladies and Gentlemen: before you start complaining about how annoyingly weird your significant other is because he doesn't put the silverware in the right spots in the drawer, listens to talk radio, or behaves in some equally "incomprehensible" way, I hope you'll think about me and give the guy or gal a break.

David: You'll never be normal. But I love you anyway.

xoxo Hannah

Overheard at the Lake

"I got to hold the rooster and I TOUCHED ITS WADDLE!" -Mom

"No! Dr. Seuss was definitely an alcoholic because my librarian told me that once... or maybe that was Edgar Allen Poe."- Ellyn (because they had such similar writing and life styles)

"What would you do if I woke up at 4a.m., chopped down all the trees in the area, and dropped them on the cabin?"- Zack 

"I'm principled, rare, refreshing, squeaky clean... and horrifying."- Ellyn

"Which one was quieter, Antarctica or Anne Frank?"-Ellyn on the phone with Ryan, Anne Frank won out

xoxo Hannah

Quick Synopsis of July

I haven't written in awhile, so I'll use this opportunity to give a quick synopsis of the past month:

Early July, Mariah and Tim the German come to visit: The reunion was quite dramatic with each of us running to the clock tower from three geometrically equidistant points concluding with a group hug in the middle. It was both heartwarming and oddly graceful.

Then we went to Perkins & frolfed, the latter meaning we threw frisbees at nets for those of you who don't know. Oh, and we did that part at a park and not at Perkins. FYI.

Late July, Mom and Ellyn come to visit: We went tubing down the painfully slow Chippewa River, which would have been slower had we not made Ellyn and some random kayakers tow us much of the way. Ellyn took the time to reflect upon all the things she does for us on a daily basis such as "saving us from skin grafts, big fish, seaweed, and men."
Mom, ever the responsible parent, was sure to remind Ellyn not to put the lighter from the car in her mouth because she saw someone get burned that way in a movie. Then we devised a pilot for a gameshow called "What's on your Butt?" where contestants compete to discover what out of a selection of objects is on their butt.

Early August, The Boy's Bro's wedding: I wore a pretty dress, The Boy looked positively dapper in his tux, and I pulled something in my hip getting low low low low low low low low. Good times.

Today: I changed a diaper so bad that it brought tears to my eyes and gave me the hiccups.


xoxo Hannah

Larry the guy from Cable

So the Northwoods' only celebrity came in last night to my lovely working establishment. Larry the Cable Guy, better known as the "Git-R-Done" man. (Google him if you don't know who he is). He is like the mecca of all Rednecks with unexpectedly pearly white teeth.

Drawback :He smells like my grandpa and he is.... well a redneck.

Love Love
M

p.s. I move to Sweden August 12!!!

Paleness, Poop and Pervs: The Three P's of Summer

1. Paleness- It is nearly July, yet no matter how earnestly I attempt to gain some sort of pigmentation, my alabaster skin reflects all incoming sunlight. When I stand on the beach I look like a great, pale beacon guiding ships to a safe harbor. Seriously. This picture is not doctored. Yes, even the text was originally there.

2. Poop:

In a matter of 5 hours the three and two year olds I nanny for managed to collectively poop  8 separate times.  That is 2 for one kid and a remarkable 6 for the other. And these were some serious bowel movements. A sucky day to change diapers for sure, but I must say I was also a bit intrigued as to how such small bodies could hold such gratuitous amounts of shit whilst still maintaining enough room for things like... I dunno... lungs.  What. the. shit. 

3. Pervs:

Turkey Guns, for those of you who remember him from my previous post about 60 year old pervs who piss me off, asked me out. Well, he told me I was hot and asked if I'd like go to his farm sometime and look at his bomb shelter. How romantic. Suffice to say I declined.

xoxo Hannah 

Summer Loving

Dear Beautiful People,

Yesterday was a gorgeous day in lovely Wisconsin, followed by a lovelier day today.

Why, you ask, is today so great? Well... because YOU, yes YOU, darlings, can follow me on Twitter!

https://twitter.com/MariahMPhillips

This is way easier to update since I only need like a sentence.


mmmwaaa

Love Love,

M

Oh future home

Well hello my darlings,

It has been too long. I thank Hannah for keeping you all interested, whomever you may be.
I'm going to be better about writing.

So about 2 more months till the big move to Sweden! I'm so scared but so very excited at the same time. I've been working on my Swedish skills although Martin says it's not enough. :(

I'm really wondering how I'm going to adjust the new culture. Today, for instance, is Midsommer in Sweden. Martin plans to dance around a maypole symbolizing a penis (no judgments) for the holiday of fertility.

I'm an American, an American from Wisconsin. We don't dance around penises. We don't really even say that word.

Tim the German is right, I'm a prude, but s that such a bad thing?

Love Love
M

From the Mouths of Babes

I've been pretty busy with my new job working at a daycare all week. When I'm not hard at work sorting out arguments about the Transformers with 5 year olds, one of my favorite activities is eavesdropping on the private conversations of our nation's youth. Here are some choice quotes. P.S. I don't have a suitable picture for this post so enjoy this one of me and a really big butterfly I found.

7 year old girl to fellow 7 year old- "I told my mom that Icthyitis is a skin disease that causes scaling... but she just said 'Heather, this is AMERICA!'" (Goddamit Heather! George Bush didn't found this country so we could itch!)

4 year old boy- "Pooping sure takes a lot out of you."  (Both metaphorically and literally)

Little girl, thoughtfully after taking a bite of her sandwich- " I wonder what Jesus is doing right now?" ( It is 1:42 PM so Jesus must be grocery shopping. At 2:30 he plays Pictionary.)

xoxo Hannah

Things that Should Appologize- June Edition

1. Vader:

I'm trying to decide whether you have a bladder infection or are just a douche bag. I'm leaning towards douche bag... a tiny, furry, adorable little douche bag.

2. "Fry Bread"  and "Turkey-Guns":

Both of you are FUCKING WEIRD. And considering some of the people who frequent the Cafe, that's saying something. Stop talking to me. Fry Bread,  You are a sad, pathetic man who can't find a woman his own age, and I will never never never never never go out with you ever never never ever. I think I am supposed to feel sorry for you, everyone else does, but whenever I see your face and the gross way you walk, I just want to stab you in the face with a hammer. Whether that threat makes any sense is irrelivant... when there is a hammer in your face.

And Turkey Guns, yes that is the only nickname we could come up with- Turkey because you won't shut up, and Guns because you are the kind of man who would open fire on an abortion clinic. I don't give a fuck about how you grow squash and I most definitely will NOT help you sell bomb shelters door to door. Who the fuck would buy a bomb shelter from a door to door salesman anyway? WTF? And how dare you show up at Taco Johns today and try to explain to me what Taco Tuesday is as if I'm some kind of uncultured moron who doesn't understand the value of 99 cent tacos. God damn fascist.

3. Children:

You guys are cute and all, but could you be a little cleaner? Maybe not eat paint? And wash your own dishes? And if it's not too much trouble perhaps you could just stop all that pooping? And while you're at it, hell, let's just cease the peeing as well, huh? Because honestly, and don't be offended because I think you're great, this whole "going to the bathroom" thing is gross and  it has to stop. It makes you smell bad and it means I have to change a diaper which is not really that fun for me, has to be awkward for you, and just basically no one is having a good time. Your pooping ruins my fun. There, I said it.

Dear Future Roommate,

The sheet they sent me says that you are from the same small town as my dear Mariah. I asked her if she had heard any horrible things about you, but she hadn't. She hadn't heard anything at all about you actually, but I googled you and since no headlines about serial rapists, contagious diseases, or pooping popped up, I have decided to be cautiously optimistic.

Since we are to share a tiny, confined space for at least 4 months, here are some helpful tips to help us get along better:

1. Please try your very hardest to stay in peak mental and physical condition. I will occasionally hide in corners and jump out at you unexpectedly to test your reflexes.

2. Have a sense of humor. Can you do a good Sarah Palin impression? What is your stance on poop jokes? Do you know the lyrics to and appreciate the comic genius of the Altoona Family Restaurant song? Please review these items over the next few months.

3. Don't be a skank. If I witness you having sex in our room, I cannot be held liable for throwing up in your backpack, in your dresser drawer, and probably also on your bed although I may need to take a break to eat something in between.

4.  Hygiene: it's not just important, it feels great too. 

If you have any weird quirks like allergies, phobias, or words that trigger psychotic outbursts, do let me know ASAP. I'd like to be prepared before hand.

xoxo Hannah

If your beef stroganoff smells like poop, watch out because someone probably pooped in it.

My dearest darling Mariah,

 I miss you in the way a bird would miss flying or a river would miss being wet if there were a drought or something. That is a lot of missing.

Today I raced a mentally disabled man to the library. I don't know if he knew we were racing, but I beat him anyway and the whole time I was thinking of you. I was also thinking of other things like what kind of cake I like best and who do I know that would have a bike pump and why do hands look so weird, but in the forefront of my mind was an image of you. 

As we all know Mariah, relationships are built on honesty and trust and that is why I feel I must make this confession to you: I watched the Star Trek movie last night and I enjoyed it. A lot.  I especially liked that part where there were aliens and a big red ball and Spock got mad. That part was great. Please don't think less of me.

Perhaps we can convene in Hayward some weekend? My birthday is coming up in a month and you need to buy me a present. Here are some ideas:

*Money

* Plane ticket to Sweden

* A tiger

*A golden bike pump

* My very own asian baby

*New boots

* A heart (to replace the one that broke when you left me)

Hopefully I shall see you in the near future. Meanwhile I will see you every night... in my dreams...

xoxo Hannah

Dear Hannah,

Now that school is done I have a void left by you that is impossible to fill.
In true Hannah fashion, I shall list things that I need you for.

1.) Turning the lamp off. It's just not the same having to get out of bed to turn it off. You are my arms, dear friend, arms that are capable of bringing light into my life and of taking it away. (metaphorically and quite literally)

2.) Being messy. You see Hannah, now I share a room with my sister who is quite neat, very much unlike you. I miss anally putting your clothes in the closet and shutting your drawers. (This sounds like I literally use my butt to do these things rather than 'anally' as in obsessively, sorry for the gross misunderstanding)

3.) Poop jokes. Yes Hannah, I miss you and your poop humor.

4.) Everything Hannah, my love. I so very miss you already! You are one of my dearest friends and I will never forgive you if I don't see you this summer.

Love Love,

Mariah (your ex roomie and secret admirer, and I mean that in the creepiest way possible)

Suck On This Grey's Anatomy

Dear Friends,

This weekend has been rough to say the least.

On Friday I felt so awful that I even (gasp)... skipped biology lecture! After my 8:00 a.m. lab of looking at plants I decided to go back to my room and curl up in a ball. When I finally got there I was welcomed by Hannah who was sorting her bathroom stuff on the floor. She told me I didn't look so good.

Story of my life.

To make a long draining story short, I passed out on the floor for a few seconds from which Hannah concluded was from either menstrual cramps or a middle ear infection (she webmd me). I felt better but then it got worse and I started to hyperventilate and my arms and legs went numb. I don't remember much but Hannah got our RA and they called 911.

I remember the most manly EMTs came, strapping young men who got me on a stretcher and into the ambulance. Hannah said I yelled at them. I'm sorry hot men.

I got to the hospital and the IVs started to kick in and I felt better!
I was living the life. Being fed through tubes, watching The Daily Show on tv, and sipping on cranberry juice cocktail while lounging in a hospital gown and socks. The nurse said I reminded her of her daughter, one of the manly EMTs came back and visted me, the doctor was the hottest one I've ever seen. It wasn't that bad.

Hannah came up to bring me my shoes and to sit with me until they let me go after my blood tests. She even got to drink my Sprite and enjoy the life. Although I did look like a crazy person with an ID on, IV in my arm, a very revealing hospital gown on, smeared makeup and messy hair, accompanied by hospital socks. Awesome!

Finally they let me go and concluded I was dehydrated and blah blah, I really don't know.

I do know that that hospital breeds hotties and hey, I didn't have to go to TWO classes.

Life's a beach.

Love Love,
M

p.s. Martin, darling, you are the manliest of the men and the hottest of the hotties. I love you.

A Parade of Child Unemployment

Today on Water Street a parade was being held. I didn't know what it was for, but my imagination decided that it had something to do with a bunch of children being unemployed. Here are some of the things I saw:

I saw this poor, tiny, tiny chef forced to sell his wares on the street.

And there was this thing.

This baby stared down the crowd, as if he could sense each one of our individual faults and it disgusted him. That was a very ominous baby.

Moments after this picture was taken, their eyes locked and the child was devoured in such a flurry of ravenous excitement that nothing was left but scraps of polyester and a single bloodied tennis shoe.

If CHILDREN can't even hold jobs, what hope is there for the rest of us? 

xoxo Hannah

Dear Readers,

I'm very sorry if you were offended by my PDA in the last letter.

Give me a break, Nanny 911 last night was very sad and I was just feeling completely sentimental.

I promise to return to my bitchy self starting now. I mean yesterday Mormons tried to convert me on campus, that made me pretty bitter. A nerd also mouthed "hi" to me. Pissed I was.

Now I didn't sleep and I have to go on a "field trip" outside to look at... plants.

Ok, back to angry self.

Love Love,

M

Dear Martin ( a love letter),

I remember the very moment I fell in love with you. It was the same time you walked in the room for the first time.

Jag älskar dig

Now look how far we have come. We went from never knowing if we would ever see each other again to moving in together.

It's one thing to imagine moving across the ocean, leaving everything you know behind for love, and a very different one to act upon that idea. I told you everything happens for a reason and if we were patient good things would come our way.

So here we are.

Life is a series of coincidences, and I have enjoyed every one that has brought me closer to you.

It hasn't been easy. I have been mean. I have been insensitive. I have been selfish. I have reached terrible lows without you here with me and it is still not over.

but you, darling, you have been perfect. You have been kind and gentle, and so very patient with me. You are beautiful.

I truly believe you were made for me. I mean who else could get my jokes and deal with my incredible stubbornness? You mean everything to me.

Who knows what the future will bring, but I know I won't fear it as long as you are there holding my hand all the way.

I love you till the end.

Mariah

Dear Cecilia,

I miss you.

You are in China and this greatly bothers me for a number of reasons.

1.) You are even further away from me than when you are in Sweden.

2.) China will overtake America economically, and as an American, I dislike this.

3) I worry about your well being since I know from personal experiences, I'm always hungry only an hour after eating Chinese food.

4.) China likes Cuba. (not that I dislike Cubans, but my government has it pretty well spelled out)

5.) I hear they don't have pretzels in Asia, from my Japanese friend, and pretzels are my favorite food.

6.) I'm worried you look like a circus freak among the Chinese people.

7.) two words: BIRD FLU

8.) Youtube is censored in China and you cannot watch the Naked Swedish Crispbread dancers

9.) You have no conception of time zones and you always end up calling me at 6 a.m. my time drunk with techno music blaring.

10) Did I mention you are far away from me?

As a child I was led to believe if I dug a hole deep enough I would end up in China, I wish I never grew out of that mindset.

We need to fix this situation soon because I need you when I'm in Svenksa land as my cultural interpreter.

Come home to me friend.

Love Love

M

Oh the Perils of 5th Grade

Today I was reading an informational pamphlet my 9 year old sister wrote about her favorite cause, going green. I was soaking up all the information about recycling and saving energy- I was surprised to learn that "in the old days energy wasn't invented yet and so there was no pollution."- when I started thinking. Not just about how great it would be to go back to the carefree days before man created all this damn energy, but also about how I was at her age and how different my worries are now. Thankfully I'd brought the journal I kept in the 5th and 6th grade with me to college, just in case I felt reminiscent. Here are some highlights:

Most Embarrassing Moment

 "Oh my God! Mom was dropping me off at school and I got my BOOT stuck in a BUCKET! It was the worst thing EVER!"-  Age 10 

To think there was a time when the absolute worst, most shaming thing that could happen to a kid was to get their boot stuck in a bucket. Is that even bad? Judging from my use of capital letters and exclamation points, it was.

Current most embarrassing moment: In 7th grade geography my pad leaked profusely through my khaki pants, everyone saw, and I hid in the bathroom till my Dad came to bring me new clothes. I don't think anything could make me feel more embarrassed than that.

Nickname

In 5th grade it was decided by a lunchroom council that everyone in my group of friends should have a code name, presumably so we could communicate with each other secretly while also sounding really, really cool. I was told my name would be "Sketch" because "I am really good at drawing." 

Oddly enough, nowadays I instinctively avoid people named Sketch. 

Biggest Annoyance

"(my sister) Ellyn is such a BRAT! Every time she starts a fight I get blamed for it because I'm older.... She threw a spoon at me!"- Age 10

Ellyn would later graduate from spoons to measuring cups, to a sloppy joe before we realized that we didn't really know what we were fighting about and became friends. I haven't had any kitchen utensils thrown at me for quite some time.

Current Biggest Annoyance: The fact that today I bought a box of pop tarts and immediately felt the same way that I would if I splurged and purchased a $200 sweater. I'm so poor.

xoxo Hannah

Names I'm Not Allowed to Call Martin

Today Martin set up some ground rules for names I am not allowed to call him in public. They are the following:

1. Wiener

2. Squirt Head

3. Lamp Fucker

4. Dinosaur Mother

5. Son, Uncle, Dad, Father, Grandpa or any other name that implies that less than 16 generations separate us from being related. (I am allowed to call him sunshine as long as I pronounce it with a French accent.)

Amendment to List:

1. Pengwienie (the combination of penguin and wienie which implies he is a penguin's genitalia)


Love Love

M

Dear Door,

I knew this morning that when I left for the bathroom at 7 a.m. that I didn't remember my combination to you... but the wind blew you shut before I could rethink my potty decision.

I came back to you after the bathroom and the code didn't work. I tried for 50 minutes! almost near tears because I was tired, nothing made you budge.

I went to the front desk in my pjs asking for a key to let me in, they had nothing.

Thank God my RA came out of the bathroom and helped me with a master key to let me in.

She told me to fill out a maintenance request to have you fixed but I had a feeling it wasn't you who was at fault.

I called Hannah(who was not in the room) at 7:53 to check what our combination was.

I was doing the wrong one, door.

Love Love,

M

Dear America,

I don't know what is up with you.

It's like you want me to leave.

First the Daily Show goes to Sweden,

Now my beloved Bear Grylls and Will Ferrell?????

http://socialitelife.celebuzz.com/archive/2009/04/24/will_ferrell_enjoys_urine_reindeer_eyeballs_with_bear_grylls.php

Ok, I'll leave already.


Love Love

M

p.s. by now, I mean August, I need to make some money first America.

Videos You Must Watch

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=225113&title=the-stockholm-syndrome

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=225126&title=the-stockholm-syndrome-pt.-2

The Daily Show goes to Sweden!


oh and here are naked boys

http://www.thelocal.se/19000/20090421/

love love

M

Dear Marie from the Swedish Embassy,

You wrote me today saying I was APPROVED for my Residence Permit!!!!!

Thank you so much Marie.

Love Love,
M

Shell Discovery Rocks Playground

H&M has received information from a credible source that a small shell has been found sometime this morning on an Eau Claire playground.

"I found this shell with Frank and Peter at school!" shouted our excitable three year old source, proudly holding said shell aloft as one might an Olympic torch. Upon initial investigation the shell appeared brownish/grayish in color, was about the size of a chess pawn, exhibited a spiralled cone shape, and was most likely constructed from calcium carbonate secreted from the mantle of a freshwater snail. 

We were unable to gather more information about the discovery, as our source needed to go potty, but the source's father later confirmed that "Yes, Frank and Peter are your friends at school."

xoxo Hannah

Dear BFF Tim the German,

Today you wrote on my Facebook wall that you would like me to write blogs for you to read during class, instead of listening about Martin Luther King Jr.

Well Tim, MLK is a very important figure in American History, and I very much dislike the fact that you would rather not listen.


..... but since you insist.......

Here is a blog about your favorite subject in the world.
Prude Americans.

So Tim, yesterday I was in my History of Photography class and I was to make a group presentation of Photography in Advertising. My section was "Marketing to Women".

Picture this, a movie theater size screen, half of which is dedicated to our powerpoint. My turn finally arrives, and I did very well, people were laughing all the time and I even got to use a laser pointer!

I put up a giant picture of David Beckham's underwear ad and made a joke about how I just wanted to see it on the big screen. I also ended my presentation in front of a women with a vibrator. Everyone loved it!

but then we got our class critique papers in which our classmates wrote what they thought.

Everyone loved me except one girl,

she wrote my pictures were too shocking.

Tim, this makes me so happy! Finally, I am considered edgy.

but... probably not edgy enough in doucheland.
(Did you know that dusch is shower in Swedish? I don't mean douche like shower, I mean douche like something old women use to clean out their you-know-whats.)

So Tim, I miss you and I hope you are having fun in class and maybe you should try listening.
After all, he had a dream.

Love Love
M

Polka is Never a Problem, Only a Solution

More to Come










Love Love,
M

Invention Ideas

In this failing economy we're all trying to make a little extra money and if you're the creative type, inventing the next best selling product might sound pretty awesome. I mean the Snuggie is completely retarded, yet it is making millions. Don't you wish you patented the "blanket with arm-holes" idea first? I do.

Brainstorming the next big invention can be intimidating- there are so many options!- but I've decided to do my part and help you guys out. Here's a list of some things that you can go right ahead and NOT invent. It will save you some time.

Bad Idea 1. Nose-ring wolf leashes:

Step 1: find a wolf. 

Step 2: Pierce its nose.

Step 3: Attach a leash to the ring in its nose.

Step 4: Congratulations, you now have an an angry wolf on a leash. Enjoy.

Bad Idea 2. Ketchup Apples

All the nutrients of an apple but with the zesty flavor of an apple that has been coated in ketchup. Eat them at home, in the car, at the ball game! Anywhere that ketchup apples are permitted. Order now and we will throw in a FREE garden trowel! Oh yes!

Bad Idea 3. Trick Pants

Picture this: you are at a party when you trip and accidentally spill some red wine on your pants. You ask your pal who is throwing the party if you can borrow a pair of his. "Of course, good buddy!" He says, "Come right on upstairs!" He tosses you a pair of sweats and directs you to a bathroom to change. You try to don the pants when- surprise!- you realize that the leg holes are sewn shut. Now you just look stupid and your feet can't grip the floor. So you decide:

My friend is a dick. Thank you Trick Pants.

Bad Idea 4: Pennies with Velcro on them

I honestly can't think of anything you could do with this.

xoxo Hannah

Things

There are so many Things that have happened lately, it's hard to put them down into grammatically functioning English sentences, but I will try my bestest. (damnit, I mean best)

Thing 1: I met with my Poly Sci Advisor who only wanted to meet with me because his wife was a resident in Sweden for 20 years. He's from Iran so I have a hard time understanding him, but I did understand him listing every possible bad thing about Sweden including suicide and alcoholism. Oh, but he did offer to introduce me to Sven the Swedish Exchange Student (Score!).

Thing 2: I went for a walk last night and decided to jog for a small stretch. An older man jogged past me but then stopped and God Bless His Soul, asked me "Are your running the marathon this Saturday?" I said no, and he kept on "1/2 marathon? 2 mile?" . My answer didn't change until he asked what side of the trail I liked to run on. I picked a side because I didn't have the heart to tell him I don't actually ever run and that I'm not sweaty in appearance because I had walked the whole trail. He jogged by, and Damn him, I had to swing my arms fast the rest of my walk when I turned around on the trail just in case he saw me again, that way I could easily slip into jog mode.

Thing 3: It's getting so warm here. I usually don't care for warm weather, but it's a pleasant change of pace from fucking freezing.

Thing 4: I have developed fears about walking through tunnels and under bridges, especially the one on my walking trail I go on every night. I'm always afraid I will get raped in there, or that a vampire girl like in "Let the Right One In" will kill me, or worst, a squirrel or chipmunk will fall on me when I come out. Martin has now deemed it "The Tunnel Of Irrational Fears"

Thing 5: Martin recieved a form from the Swedish Migration board today!!!!!!!! This means he fills it out and we are all done with our part of the deal. We just wait. This is a big step!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Things are great.

Love Love,
M