How I Meet People

Last night I had a dream. I discovered that all of the drawers and cabinets in my room had been stuffed with bags of different brands of multi-grain bread. I panicked because I didn't know which bread was the freshest, as these are the sorts of things I worry about when faced with absurd scenarios.

After I awoke I headed to Research Methods class where the girl who sits next to me had the audacity to inquire as to why I was typing "dream bread significance" into Google.

I told her. She told me that last night she dreamed she was babysitting a girl who rolled a Kraft Single into a joint and smoked it. Now we are friends.



xoxo Hannah

P.S. According to the internet, dreaming about bread means your are either going to make a lot of money or be plagued by children who will drain your resources.

A Parade of Child Unemployment

Today on Water Street a parade was being held. I didn't know what it was for, but my imagination decided that it had something to do with a bunch of children being unemployed. Here are some of the things I saw:

I saw this poor, tiny, tiny chef forced to sell his wares on the street.

And there was this thing.

This baby stared down the crowd, as if he could sense each one of our individual faults and it disgusted him. That was a very ominous baby.

Moments after this picture was taken, their eyes locked and the child was devoured in such a flurry of ravenous excitement that nothing was left but scraps of polyester and a single bloodied tennis shoe.

If CHILDREN can't even hold jobs, what hope is there for the rest of us? 

xoxo Hannah

WTF War

How did Mariah and I end up in a heated week-long argument with Austria about the pros and cons of circumcision? It's a mystery, but I do believe that Austria started it. 

Because Austria LOVES to argue. About foreskin. At dinner. I mean, who doesn't?

Here's more or less how the conversation went:

Hannah (happily)- "Nacho day is my favorite day of all the days!"

Mariah- "I agree. Nacho day rocks."

Austria- "Let's talk about... circumcision."

With that fateful subject change, an all out Facebook war ensued with both sides finding reputable links to support their side. Mariah and I found articles in a medical journal of pediatric health and on CNN.com while Austria chose to go with a comprehensive and unbiased article from homiegfunk.com, a site which although not medically accreditted, has far more street cred than either of our sources.

Dinner's in a half a hour. I suspect the war will continue. 

To be honest, I don't really care either way; I'm banking on having girls.

xoxo Hannah

When I was 12, Birds were Birds, Bees were Bees

Dearest loves,

I have been enthralled, nay, captivated by this news story about this 12 year old boy having a baby with a 15 year old girl. I have to share this because I just find it so sad yet interesting.

So here is the dish,

This British boy named Alfie gets a 15 year oldgirl (chantelle or something) Pregnant. Ok, so you say, dear readers, that I have already told you about this. BUT the plot thickens... Now there are 2 OTHER boys claiming to have had "relations" in the Bill Clinton sense, with this sexpot Chantelle and they too could be the baby daddies.

Here is the link. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4630866/Schoolboy-father-Alfie-Patten-may-take-DNA-test-after-two-more-teens-claim-paternity.html

What do you think about this? I thought shit like this could only be American.

I think we should bring Maury into this situation, he would find out in a minute.

YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER.

Love mmwwaaa

M