This Week at Nap Time...

Dear Art Professor,

I had a dream today that I complained about getting a 94% on your test when I CLEARLY deserved a 96% and as punishment you sent me to Hell for a few days so I'd learn to appreciate my life more.

I just wanted to let you know that you may not want to implement that strategy in real life. I commend you for making such a valiant and creative attempt at changing my life, but to be completely honest, Hell just wasn't that bad. I mean it's not like it's AWESOME or anything, but if my dreams are any indication of the real thing, eternal damnation is really boring but totally manageable.

Here are some Fun Facts about the underworld you may not know:

* It is just like college, assuming your university is located in the molten center of the Earth! There are tunnels and tunnels of dorm rooms that Hell's residents share with their assigned roommate and some giant overflow rooms for those tormented souls who transferred late.

*Almost everyone has cats and in some cases the cats get their own dorms. 

*Satan has a fondness for kettle corn and thinks torturing people is "so gross". 

*They have cable!

In conclusion dear Art Professor, the next time you want to punish me by sending me to some God forsaken place just send me to work. It's WAY worse.

xoxo Hannah

ummm, I have a question?

Dear Stupid Girls in Classes,

STOP ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS AND SAYING STUPID THINGS.

I'm sorry that I am yelling at you with these capital letters, but really, just listen to the damn professor.

You are in college now.

Generations of women have been struggling to get you to this point and you seem to set them back 100 years when you are more interested in what girl goes best with the Bachelor than who is in the Israel/Palestine conflict.

*Spoiler Alert, it's Israel and Palestine*

Now, I do not hate you. I just wish you would take things a bit more seriously. There is a time and place for everything. I like talking about Rock of Love with the best of them, just not during class when we are talking about the death and destruction of innocent people.

Oh and Stop saying "like" 5 times in every sentence. Super annoying.

"Like, oh my god, she is like soooo fake. He could like never go for fake boobs like that. Tre Trashy."

Love Love Your Concerned Fellow Female,

M

Notes to All

Dear My Friend's Turtle:

All of the fish in your tank are dead. Was it.... MURDER? I suspect so, yet I am still no closer to finding the killer. Watch your back.

Dear Lays Green Circle commercial:

WTF is with the circles? You sell POTATO CHIPS, not conformity. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj1XNjrJ-EY

Dear Freecreditreport.com Guy,

Perhaps if you were not constantly singing catchy songs about your financial failures on national TV, you wouldn't have to live at a Renaissance fair. Or you could just get an APARTMENT.

Dear Martin and Tori:

You don't know each other, but you share the same birthday so I think you ought to be friends. Also I am too lazy to write TWO separate notes about birthdays. But anyway have a good one, to Martin: I'm sure there are tons of fun games one can play with a pen box and a Big-Fucking-Spoon; and to Tori: I hope you have a great time playing Halo despite the fact that I'm pretty sure they do not manufacture Wheat Thins laced with weed.

xoxo Hannah

Here Comes Round 2

Dear Fun Loving, Fantastic Fans and Friends of Alliteration,

It seems I have been living my life on a hamster wheel. The constant rotation of homework, quizzes, tests and yummy sandwiches.

I have had more cycles of this than Survivor and I am getting worn down already.

Last week yielded good results, though. I received a 99% on my math test, 103% on my History quiz, and a 91% on my awful Bio test. Martin says my professors should work on their math since last time he checked 100 was maximum.

Today has been pretty draining except for the yearly celebration of Martin's expulsion from his own mother's womb.

I asked him what he got from his parents and the first thing out of his mouth was

" I got a big spoon. You know, a spoon for soup, what is that called."- Martin

blank stare from me....

" Mariah, a big fucking spoon, that's what I got. oh and a pen box"- Martin

" You got a spoon and a pen box, that sounds awful"-Me

"Well I got a book on the history of ugly too, but I have a hard time looking at the pictures"- Martin

He got other things as well, but he seems to find these the most important of all.

Other than that, I noticed something today. While facebook stalking and eating pretzels, I noticed that girls from other countries sure do dress and act different than me and my friends. I mean I could never get my hair to look that good nor could I look so serious/modelish all the time. I went through the pictures of me, and I don't think I have one really serious face in any of them. Also, Tight Pants....... like prisons for my thighs really.

I have also been working out every night now, I have been a bit paranoid though that someone else will come in and see me in the basement work out room. Lately 3 strange boys have been coming it at 7 and they show no shame for staring freely at my chest whilst I jog away the 8 pounds of Wheat Thins (that name is such a marketing ploy) and Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets (that coincidental melted a pink plate of mine today! bisnatches)

Other things did today instead of studying:

Finding out who the girl singer is in that song "Right Round" by Flo Rida (hint NOT KATY
PERRY, although is sounds eerily like her) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_eOU9Ldy1s

Wrote Blog


ok, you are right, I shouldn't list things, I should study

Love love,
M

A Love Letter

Dear Martin,

You are 21 years old today! How exciting darling! Maybe I should start calling you my "Manfriend" now!?

In the US you could finally legally drink, but that is an old hat for you since you have been an alcoholic in Swede land since the age of 18.

I hope you have a truly special day and relish in the gifts I sent you.

I am so lucky to have found such a distinguished older man.

I love you.

Mariah

p.s. I really hope you don't feel pervy dating a teenager...

Fat with a PH

Dear lovely lovers,


I learned something valuable from my 5 year old brother yesterday.

Here is how it went.

"Cole, could you please hand rya (me) a blanket?"- me

" STOP CONTROLLING MY LIFE!" - Cole

He is right, maybe I am a little bit controlling at times. I mean just ask Martin.

Anyway, besides that, my day today was pretty uneventful.
I went for a nice long walk where I saw a man smoking a pipe while strolling with his wife. I had to double check to make sure it wasn't Sherlock Holmes or Hugh Hefner.

I facebooked stalked for about an hour.

I signed up Jim Heson of 1267 Hollywood BLVD, Beverly Hills California, 90210 for a newsletter subscription of Pizza hut, so I could get 126 pieces of imaginary silver on facebook so I could find out if Martin's sister thought I was a good athlete or not on that friends question thingy.

It didn't work.

I listened to hannah quote funny things off of overheardinminneapolis.com.

I did my entire math assignment by looking at the answer key supplement.

I found Hannah's belly button ring on the floor. (skank)

and I wrote this blog.

Tomorrow I will have probably something more interesting to write, but since my love affair with bjorn has ceased, I feel like I have nothing more that is worth it. Sad.


love love,
M

p.s. I touched REAL human bones in bio lab, it was awesome.

A Few of my Favorite Things...

Yesterday I wrote such a negative post, today I thought I'd show you readers that I have a kinder, gentler side lest you think I'm some sort of angst-ridden crone with nothing better to do then pick fights with ice and people in the laundry room. I actually do much more that, in fact there are even a few things I really enjoy, and to prove it here is a list of just some of my favorite things (in no particular order).

1. The Stoop by Little Jackie- It makes falling asleep to gunshots sound so gosh darn adorable!

2. Eavesdropping on art majors in Haas-  "Ugg, Tiff my shold' totally aches!" Did you just try to shorten the word "shoulder" as if that were in any way a thing? Nice. I should leave of the last syllable of random nouns so I can sound like a creative retard. 

3. Jeez-Its (Thank you Cecilia)- WWJD post its, what more could I want? I use them to remind me that Jesus would finish his speech on Aspergers Syndrome so I should too.

4. Kittens, Giraffes, and Chocolate- Although not at the same time.

5. Sandwiches- All the food groups in one. Perfectly engineered. Proof of intelligent design? Maybe. Delicious? Oh yes.

6. Singing terrible 90's songs loudly in public with Mariah.

7. 30 Rock Thursdays- Tina Fey+ Hannah= BFFs

8. Chilling with The Boy- As long as he's not trying to convince me that Dune The Miniseries is something created with the intention of being watched by people. Surely you jest.

xoxo Hannah

BE AWARE

Hannah and I installed a new people counter.

So don't think we are lame because is says 2 people have visited it.

We were up to almost 300 in 14 days, until it broke, god damn it.

love,

M

3 Things that Should Appologize

1. Candy Hearts:

You taste like extra strength ibuprofrin if it was accidentally stored with fruit, and yet you have no pain releiving properties.  So tell me, what are you good for? 

Nothing. Just give up (especially you, banana flavored heart. You know why).

2. Girl who Took my Clothes Out of The Drier and Left them, Still Damp, on a Table,

If I were to organize an outline about my feelings for you it would look like this:

I. You are a bitch who should not do laundry.

A. There were two open dryers besides mine.

1. I totally opened your dryer up with 30 minutes left JUST TO SPITE YOU. 

a. I would have thrown my gum in there too but the flavor was not gone yet.

B.  Do you realize you wasted $1.75 washing four sweaters?

1. Are you retarded?

a. Yes you are.

3. Ice:

You made me fall down and hurt my knee. What gives you the right to be so slippery?

 

Letters of appology can be sent to my email or dorm address. 

xoxo (but not to YOU candy hearts, laundry girl, or ice)

 Hannah

Say What?

Dear Bjorn,

We have some issues to work out.

I arrived at the birkie very excited to see you finish and whoop some butt. so I bet you can imagine my surprise when you came in SECOND!

Come on bjorn, ever since I knew who you were ( about 3 days ago) I have decided that you are god among men in the world of cross country skiing. I expected you use your ski poles and spear the competition.

On the other hand, an American beat you.

I only got one awful picture of you because you went so fast and, frankly, I didn't recognize you.

Notice there is a classic skier in front of you.


Love love love,

M

p.s. I really do love that you skied for MS. You still are my cross country god and I still love you. No hard feelings.