Sometimes I Do Things: The Terrifying Sequel

Now normally I would be writing a scathing counter-attack regarding Mariah's latest post with it's blatant disrespect for my complex and interesting life and complete disregard of my writing style (you call that a list, Mariah?! My dead cat writes better lists than you!), but after some careful reading, observation, and analysis I have come to conclude that she was actually pretty accurate. 

For the most part. 

But again I feel I have the duty to: a) display my list writing prowess, and b) remind you dear reader (because there is probably only one of you) that despite my outwardly "lazy" appearance, I do do things. Sometimes. When I feel like it.

1. I support the futbol (or in English: soccer) team. And if your definition of support is, as mine is, taking a bunch of pictures of yourself and completely ignoring the game because you only went because you were hoping to get pretzels afterward, then I am pretty much the most supportive fan you are going to find anywhere.

2. I make* strawberry cupcakes.

3. I return my rented movies on time. I even have a Bloc

kbuster membership card thingy and everything. See these? I returned these.

4. I find Suwda, Mariah, and J-Dawg interesting places to eat everything in sight at.

5. I do laundry on The Sabbath.

*make= Boy makes cupcakes, I preheat the oven

xxoo

Hannah

Hi, I'm hannah

Hannah is too busy with hanging out with her boys who don't have real names, making brownies and watching 30 Rock to even bother to update everyone on her life. Here is what hannah is up to.

1) Class

2) Sleep

3) Class

4) Sleep

5) Eat

6) Sitting in my room

7) Going out

xoxox

H (as M)

...but I look like a librarian......

Hello All,

Today was just one of those days. Bedsides it being effing cold, windy, and actually snowing a bit, it's been a bit of a draining day.

I woke up for my lovely English class where we discussed vampires and how people find them erotic (?!?@?@), and also about people's obsession with anime and the twilight series. In my mind, I was banging my head against the wall.

I went back to my room and decided to take a nap, which was interrupted 5 times by the constant calling of Cecilia Bergsland. (sorry pfof, I would have answered but my phone was on the ground and I was too lazy to get it), I woke up for Geology where we talked about nothing I can remember. Earthquakes perhaps?

Then I had what I was dreading. An interview for a position in the library. Don't get me wrong, a small personal fantasy of mine is to work at a library, it's the interview part. I think the interviewer has a secret checklist and "Obnoxious" is always checked. I can see them judging me with their eyes.

This interview started off very rocky, because I couldn't even figure out how to even get behind the library circulation desk. Red flag number one. As the down hill spiral continued....
When ever I get nervous, as some of you may notice, I develop of chronic case of word vomit. It just keeps coming out and never makes sense and when I see them looking at me with their speculating librarian eyes, I just keep on talking until it all just falls apart. Maybe in the back of my mind I somehow thought if I just keep saying words, eventually I'd sound like a genius. Nope.

Well after the interview I thanked them for their time but realized I couldn't get my jacket to leave the chair.....

My scarf got caught on the wheels of my chair...... (Cue nervous laughter and a frantic me trying to get my scarf untangled.) When I finally did I said my awkward "No worries, I got it!" sentence and got out of there as fast as I could

Don't be looking for me behind the circulation desk any time soon folks.

Love your bumbling idiot friend,

M

You Bet Your Tucchus

שלום

Here I am, watching 30 Rock by myself, in my pajamas, eating an entire meal of chocolate and other bad stuff. Seriously a whole meal:

2 twix funsize candy bars
2 pieces of nutella smothered bread
2 pieces of dove chocolate
1 ice cream cone w/ chocolate chips
1 small bowl of caramel

I think I may throw up at any moment.

So now I decided that I am officially the lamest person alive. Everyone is celebrating Thirsty Thursday, and I'm celebrating........ future spinsterhood.

Oh, and yes, I am planning to be a future Hasidic Jew.

Someone just literally knocked on my door and asked for a corkscrew.
DAMN YOU! How dare you rub your fun lives in my pajama clad face. Yes my shirt has a giant musky on it.. Gotta problem with it?

I hate this,

You bet your tucchus,

M

p.s. אני יהודי

Jag är inte lata, pumpa

Pros and Cons

In case you didn't know, when I am bored or stressed I make lists. Well this week I've taken to making pros and cons lists which I email to Mariah when I'm supposed to be working at my job.

So today I will share some pros and cons with you dear readers, just in case you are having trouble deciding between two or more things. You are welcome.

Narwhals-

Pros                                                                                         

* Look really cool                                                 

*Are quick, active mammals which                    

feed mainly on cod, squid, and shrimp                

* Tusks                                                                    

Cons

*Can't swim with them or you will be skewered as a kabob

*Beady, untrustworthy eyes

* Not tasty

 

Hand Towels

Pros                                                                                             

* Just the right size for hands                                                     

*Can also be used as a wash cloth

Cons

* Sometimes I mistake them for regular size towels and am

gravely disappointed post shower 

Scarves

Pros                                                                                     

* Keep my neck warm in winter                                                                                       

*Very useful when one is a Mighty Warrior    

* Are pretty

Cons

* Could get caught in an elevator door and kill me

*I find huge pieces of fabric enraging

Hope that helps.

xxoo Hannah

P.S. Kai would like you to know that narwhals were his idea.

NEW POLL

I'm too busy to write a blog, but I'm not busy to have a poll...... look at this picture and vote on your right!!!

LOVE

M

And Next- "Laser Mission II: The Second Laser Mission"

  

For years I thought I was happy. I  lived in a comfortable home with loving parents, I wore the finest of clothes, I watched the finest of shows, and I had an awesome cat who could fetch. But this Friday my world was shaken. For on this night I had the chance to experience a little film called Laser Mission in all it's low budget, badly written, anti-Soviet glory, and I realized that I had never known true happiness until then. 

Tagline: His assignment: Find the world's most dangerous laser weapon or take the heat. Her assignment: Turn up the heat. 

Hells yes.

This work of cinematic genius follows Agent Michael Gold (portrayed flawlessly by Brandon Lee) as he and some blonde chick with a huge rack roam Africa in a bus killing black people, Russians, an Australian, some inexplicable Cubans, but let's face it, mostly black people, in a quest to get a big diamond and prevent the Soviets from destroying capitalism with- get this- LASERS. interestingly enough, there are no lasers in this movie.

Here are some choice quotes from my new favorite film:

Inexplicably Cuban Guard: [to Michael Gold] Ha-ha they're going to cut off your head mañana. 

Prof. Braun: You see, with the Varbeek diamond and my laser, I can create a nuclear weapon. (It's just that easy.)

Alissa: I'm Alissa Braun. How do you think I am? I'm hot, I'm tired, I'm hungry and I'm thirsty and I'm walking around in these high heels all day and I have blisters on my feet! And quit asking me such stupid questions, all right? And let me tell you something else, buster, you're not my idea of a dream date! You asshole! 
Michael Gold: That's Mr. Asshole to you. (Buuuurrrrrrnnnnn)

Dear reader, If I can impart one thing to you during my time here on Earth, I'd like it to be this: a life without Laser Mission is an empty one. 

xxoo Hannah

*Insert Expletive Here !@#!@@#@#*

Picture this.... I'm sound asleep dreaming of far away places when I hear banging on my door and my name being yelled by two very distinct accents, that of the German region. Well I assume something is wrong so I climb out of bed and go to the door in hurry.

There I find a piss drunk German and Austrian saying "LET VUS IN!!!!!" (of course just like that with their German accents)

Well here I am, disheveled as hell, in my pajamas, no make up on, and extremely tired and having to deal with a god damn German invasion. The following is actual dialogue.

"Mariah!! dkljfdlkjf dklj (incoherent mumbling/German?), we need to come in! Aren't you watching the movie?? it's only 11:30, vhy are vu sleeping?"

"YOU DIRTY BASTARDS, ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!?! I HAVE TO GET UP AT 8!!! It's 3 in the fucking morning!!"

"Ov, maviah, it's only 11:30, we are coming in!"

At that point these insurgents decided to push past me and make a nest for themselves on my floor, but not before Insurgent 1, let's call him..... Tim, licks my hand repeatedly like a puppy and proceeds to smack my ass about 5 times while pulling me on top of him and Insurgent 2, let's call him Johannes, decides to take pictures of random things.

After a while of me swearing at them and explaining how I was going to murder them, I decided to talk to Martin the swede to calm me down. He explained that I should just leave them be and go to sleep, meanwhile Cecilia bff pfof told me I should get even. "Dress them up like ABBA!"

This is the point where I decided that I was going to get these bastards back by getting Hannah's camera and taking pictures of them basically spooning on my floor then writing about it on here!

So I went into suwda and Hannah's room, got the camera went back into the room and proceeded to take pictures. Only interrupted by Tim saying things in German in his sleep along the lines of "popo sex".

So here are some pictures..... Enjoy!

with all the love that I can manage,

M

p.s. thank you pumpa, you saved me!

God Damn Isotopes...

In contrast to Mariah's noble white-Oprah fantasies,  I aspire to be a whiney bitch, so here is a list of things that Hannah finds irritating:

1. Drunk guys in red who grab my ass.

2. Holding a meeting about which type of folder should house the all important user review sheets when one could just as easily pick a damn folder.

3. The lady at the sub shop who asks me if I want turkey and when I say yes gives me ham- an inferior meat.

4. Being awake.

5. The fact that people only call me when I'm in chemistry or asleep.

6. Isotopes. Decide on a uniform number of neutrons already! Damn atoms pissing me off.

7. Dirt and things in it.

8. People who look like people I know from behind and then when I yell at them they turn around and are someone completely different and then they give me this annoyed look like it's MY fault that they are Hannah's-friends-posers.

9. Cauliflower. What ARE you?

10. My RA.

A Few of Mariah's Favorite Things...

Since I aspire to be the white version of Oprah, I decided that if she can have a whole special on her "favorite things", then by gosh darn it, I can have a whole blog post.

A Few of Mariah's Favorite Things... (in no particular order)

1. Hot Chocolate on a Snowy Day

2. Saying "your mom" as a comeback to anything. i.e. "How did you do on the test?" " Your mom is a test"

3. Having chats about celery farmers with Hannah Montana

4. Giving nicknames to regular customers at my job i.e. "Drunken Judy and Captain Bob, Pink Shirt Peter and Half-his-age Dawn"

5. Giraffes and every aspect of them

6. My Swedes Cecilia and Martin. ( I love you BFF PFOF and pumpa)

7. The last half of the song "Mariella" by Kate Nash

8. Scarves

9. Having the World represented in my friend circle (Germany, Austria, Mongolia, Sweden, Serbia, China, Brazil, Spain, New Zealand, etc and so on, oh and of course AMERICA)

10. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream

11. naps in the afternoon

12. Bridget Jone's Diary only for Mark Darcy. (because "nice boys do really kiss like that")

13. Watching ABBA music videos on youtube

14. Flying on Big Airplanes and making 7 hour friends

15. Pretending I'm Jewish