Confessions-Mid Winter Edition

As Mariah said in her last post, the first week of the semester is finally behind us... and what a week it was. Waking up before noon, navigating the dark coridoors beneath Schofield, having to be places on time, reading books... needless to say that would be pretty stressful for anyone. And as I sat in my nutrition class this week with nothing to do but take notes, I found myself faced with the one horrid thing I try to avoid beyond all else: self reflection. Readers, don't be fooled by my outwardly viruous appearance; I have done and thought some things... things I feel the need to get off my chest. So here is a short list of my sins this winter. Enjoy:

1. I have, on more than one occasion, used the word "good" when "well" would have been more  gramatically correct.

 2. I like to taunt the kittens because, unlike people, kittens are not capable of making sassy comebacks. I think I may have hurt their feelings a few times, like when I told Vader he could never have a successful career as a writer because his work is trite and unimaginative and he does not have thumbs. And in today's economy, you gotta have thumbs.

 I'm not totally sure what I do for a living. As such, I don't really care much for my job.

3. I accidentally stole a pack of three chocolate truffles from Shopko. I did not turn myself in to the athorities. 

4. I ate stolen property (#4). And it felt good. I also ate an entire jar of Nutella in two days. That also felt good. 

5. I am strangely attracted to the electric smell of the Schofield elevator.

6. Until two days ago I thought the song "Special K" by Placebo was literally about the cereal and therefore one of the stupidest songs I'd ever heard. FYI, it's actually about a drug which makes lyrics like 

"You come on just like special K/ Just like I swallowed half my stash" a bit more meaningful.

7. I grope statues, often without their permission.

Have a lovely Saturday all, I need to go eat something.

xxoo Hannah

13 Sticks of Butter and a Pastry

My first week back at college has come and gone. This is my summary.

First of all, my classes are ridiculous, but not like like in a cool gangster way like "this shit is ridiculous!", but more of like an imaginary number sort of ridiculous like "this shit is ridiculous!".

This semester I have "entertaining" classes but I will not name them in order to be able to ridicule them without consequences.

I will put it this way

I can only understand 2 of my 5 professors due to speech impediments, thick accents, and low mumbling.

Here is further summarization of 2 professors, I count them as professors not for their degree but since I can understand them. (no offence to accents, speech impediments, and low mumbling):

I have one art teacher that I absolutely adore to pieces, too bad he has nothing to do with my future career as a homeless person/housewife/face painter. His downside is I have to walk across an effing bridge over water (Simon and Garfunkel style) to get to him in negative temperatures.


My science professor is cute as a button. She looks the type that would bake you cookies and explain the inner workings of your liver. Today in lab she even helped me make an onion slide for microscope (and only me), either that is love or she senses I have special needs.

Summarization Complete... Now to professors I can only explain with text imitations.

A. "the mission ugghhhhh of uhghhhh this class ughhhhhhh is ughhhhh to ughhhh teach."

B. "Iraq dklfsjsldkjfsdkljfsldk wars sdkfjlsdkjfldsjflksd Pirates 98IEJJDKkjKDLJFLSKJ"

C. "the equathion ith thimple ith youth think about ith"

Disclaimer: I really love these profs, I think they mean well, and I don't mean to sound rude or unappreciative, but I just can't understand them. I get so confused in class because I try to take notes but it just doesn't work. Wish me luck, really.

My week was bad until I saw someone had signed up Rick James for the College Feminists and a theater major yelled "If you are what you eat, then I'm 13 sticks of butter and a pastry"

Oh and no one will sit by me!! seriously, I'm worried if I'm the smelly kid in class. Like people are picking the seats next to the big guy playing World of War Craft instead of me. NO JOKE. Every single class there is always one seat next to me until the last possible moment in class where some says "Eff my life, I have to sit next to her".

The End

Love Love Love
your Unfortunate Friend M

p.s. a water pipe just broke in my building. really.

8e8 <3

Reader Discretion Advised

I'm bored. Mariah is sitting next to me giggling to herself like a little school girl as she skypes       (word?) with Martin but I have nothing to do until later so now I am BORED and it HURTS. So I will make a list, as I usually do at times like this, and then I will dip pretzels in Nutella and stuff them into my mouth until I find something more productive to do with my time.

Today's List- Foreign Swear Words/Fun Phrases

1. Kanula din rumpa- Only the Swedish can make "fuck your ass" sound so gosh darn adorable.

2. Hibitchku- Cunt in Serbian

3. Suka/Hui- Bitch/ Dick or fuck in Russian

4. Ich wil ficken- I will fuck- German (You can respond to this in a few ways. One would be to yell "Ja! Zieh die Hosen aus!" (Yes! Take off your pants!) and jump the person. Another would be to scream "Ich bin doch noch Jungfrau!" (But I am still a virgin!) and scamper away.

5. Verdammte Scheiffe! Jetzt ist mir der Praser geplatzt.- German- God damn it! My rubber burst.

6. If your life was a novel, then after #4 and 5 the narrator would probably say something like: "Nach der schnellen Nummer in den buschen, konnte man deutlich die Hobbyflecken auf seiner Hose sehen." (After the quicky in the bushes, you could clearly see the semen stains on his pants.)

7. And in one last show of how cute the Swedish are with everything, including pussy biting, "Jag vill bita din fitta."

Enjoy

xxoo Hannah

 

I'm not going to sweden in fall due to missing paperwork.

On relationships and chainsaw dancing...

Poor Mariah! -and for the first (and hopefully last) time, no sarcasm is intended in that statement. I genuinely feel for my dear little roommate. Long distance relationships must suck immesurably. I know I couldn't keep one up; sustained soley by phone calls and Facebook, sleeping alone every night, constantly longing for the embrace of a tall, gangly Swede... I'd give up after about 4 and a half days. I don't have the emotional stamina that Mariah and Martin have. And I sincerly wish them the best....so that when they get married I can be a BRIDESMAID DAMMIT. Can wear a pretty dress and sit at the big table? Please? Think about it.

Anyway, the only qualm I have with Mariah's last post is this: what's wrong with making chainsaw noises, spandex and ballroom dancing 10 year olds? I'll tell you what's wrong: nothing, that's what. I'll have you know that after kittens, money, and 30 Rock, those are a few of my favorite things. In fact, I make chainsaw noises ALL THE TIME... WITH my boyfriend WHILE wearing spandex and watzing with a fourth grader. It's a hobby. So maybe think first before you imply that certain activities are undertaken only by those who are sad and alone and consider that maybe they are perfectly happy and just a bit odd. 

But you really should shave your legs darling. Remember I've got to see them everyday so let's not let ourselves go completely, eh?

xxoo Hannah

Conversation of the Day:

Jet- We kicked their asses FOUR times!

Me- But we've only played three games...

The Boy- And only won two...

Jet- But that's what I'm SAYING. We won FIVE games you guys! I want a REMATCH!

Me- Jet... I don't know how to say this gently, but are you familiar with the order of numbers?

Jet- Fuck you Tori! We won EIGHT games! 

Me- Out of three...

Jet- Hannah, I want you to have this: (*gives hug*).  We are the greatest team EVER.  

The Boy- Yeah you are.

Moral of story- Screw math. Numbers are whatever we want them to be. 

When I was young, I never needed anyone...

All by myself,

this song rang through the house today as I was abandoned for the fifth day in a row. There I was making french toast and french fries for dinner and watching the millionth episode of America's next top model, when I stopped and realized how pathetic I had become since Martin had left.

I mean when Martin was here I would never lay on the couch making chainsaw noises for a half an hour nor would I throw out my arm playing Wii tennis.

I wouldn't wear spandex leggings and do seizure like dance moves to Swedish techno dance music.

I would never dream of eating every chocolate substance in the house while watching some British tv show about 10 year old ballroom dancers.

I would never go without shaving my legs either.

Life has changed without Martin here, that is for sure.


Love,

M

Svenksa, ya

well hello people,

So I am finally back to write a bit about the life I'm sure you all have missed. So maybe you are tired of listening to how my roomie Hannah is not/is a nerd and how she does things, but who could really get tired of that adorable girl.

Well I feel I should tell you about my little vaca, or at least the best part.

Martin came on the 31st all the way from the land of blonde hair and blue eyes. While here he experienced many new cultural things.

Here are just a few things he did.

1.) eat mac and cheese, bbq, peanut butter, peanut butter cups, chocolate chip cookies/dough, elephant ice cream, corn dogs, pizza bites, and kool aid all for the first time.

2.) toured hayward in all it's glory

3) went into the ditch and pulled out by 5 strong men in overalls.

4.)went glow bowling

5.) learned how to ice fish with tip ups

6) learned how to let my brother win in all games

He left on the 13th and it was all very sad, so sad that I was prompted to fix this whole distance problem. I applied to college in Gothenburg, Sweden for fall 09. We will see how that goes, no holding our breath.

So this blog may go international ladies and gentlemen.

Love,

M

"That Ain't Right, It's got 5/5 with Bushido and Shit."

I Hannah, Destroyer of souls, Breaker of hearts, am dating a nerd.  A full fledged Magic card playing, D & D dice owning, Risk loving nerd. A boy who has on one occasion woken up early to eat Fruit Loops and watch Star Wars: The Clone Wars on Cartoon Network. 

Sometimes, at 2:00pm-2:05pm (the time slot I usually use to ponder life's great mysteries) I sit and wonder to myself how this happened. How have I stayed in a happy relationship for 3 months with someone who I would have cheerfully mocked to extinction in high school? It usually comes down to my shameful addiction to kittens. And also I was never informed about this aspect of his lifestyle at the start of our courtship. I mean I told him about the time I got drunk at a play about the Holocaust and stole latex gloves from the bathroom. Quid pro quo, Boy. I ought to know these things.

But actually in all honesty it's not all bad. I've learned to ignore The Boy's disturbing knowledge of text based RPG games and to concentrate on his more positive attributes. Like his cute ass and ownership of not one, but two adorable kittens.  Actually, now that I think about it he has a lot of good characteristics; he laughs at my jokes, he's intelligent and capable of holding an interesting conversation, and most importantly he understands my particular brand of crazy and rarely looks at me strangely when I ask things like "How can a pitcher of Koolade get off?"

Hmmm... I've thought about it, made a pros and cons list, and I have decided that I like The Boy. And I will make this confession: I was once a nerd too. I grew out of it, THANK GOD, but in middle school it was an undenyable fact that I was not very cool. I confess:

*I have played to completion both Baulder's Gate 1 and 2 as well as Icewind Dale 

* What the hell, I also did all the Tomb Raiders, and Half Lifes and would have played F.E.A.R. if it didn't scare me so much

* I loved the book Ender's Game

* I think Han Solo is hot

* I secretly wish I were Storm from the X-Men so I could wear that sweetass catsuit and electrocute bad guys

*Airsoft is kind of fun

Whew. Feels good to get that off my chest.

xxoo Hannah

Sometimes I Do Things Pt III: Holiday Edition

So I didn't get an extra job, clean the house, or do any volunteer work over winter break. Big Whoop. Here are some things I did do:

1. I painted my bathroom. Now when I pee I feel as if I am swimming in a tranquil sea of blue.

2. I found the world's gayest mannequin at Boston Store... and then posed for a picture with it to show my pride and acceptance of its brave lifestyle choice.

3. I read not one but TWO books, The Last Lecture and Ender's Game. That's right. I can read.

4. I spoke Spanish to a Mexican cleaning crew and assured them that the house was not haunted and that they could stop yelling "La puerta! La puerta!" whenever I opened my door.

5. Laundry. Lots and lots of laundry.

So to all those who would tell you I am not productive: screw you biotches.

xxoo Hannah