Summer Loving

Dear Beautiful People,

Yesterday was a gorgeous day in lovely Wisconsin, followed by a lovelier day today.

Why, you ask, is today so great? Well... because YOU, yes YOU, darlings, can follow me on Twitter!

https://twitter.com/MariahMPhillips

This is way easier to update since I only need like a sentence.


mmmwaaa

Love Love,

M

Oh future home

Well hello my darlings,

It has been too long. I thank Hannah for keeping you all interested, whomever you may be.
I'm going to be better about writing.

So about 2 more months till the big move to Sweden! I'm so scared but so very excited at the same time. I've been working on my Swedish skills although Martin says it's not enough. :(

I'm really wondering how I'm going to adjust the new culture. Today, for instance, is Midsommer in Sweden. Martin plans to dance around a maypole symbolizing a penis (no judgments) for the holiday of fertility.

I'm an American, an American from Wisconsin. We don't dance around penises. We don't really even say that word.

Tim the German is right, I'm a prude, but s that such a bad thing?

Love Love
M

From the Mouths of Babes

I've been pretty busy with my new job working at a daycare all week. When I'm not hard at work sorting out arguments about the Transformers with 5 year olds, one of my favorite activities is eavesdropping on the private conversations of our nation's youth. Here are some choice quotes. P.S. I don't have a suitable picture for this post so enjoy this one of me and a really big butterfly I found.

7 year old girl to fellow 7 year old- "I told my mom that Icthyitis is a skin disease that causes scaling... but she just said 'Heather, this is AMERICA!'" (Goddamit Heather! George Bush didn't found this country so we could itch!)

4 year old boy- "Pooping sure takes a lot out of you."  (Both metaphorically and literally)

Little girl, thoughtfully after taking a bite of her sandwich- " I wonder what Jesus is doing right now?" ( It is 1:42 PM so Jesus must be grocery shopping. At 2:30 he plays Pictionary.)

xoxo Hannah

Things that Should Appologize- June Edition

1. Vader:

I'm trying to decide whether you have a bladder infection or are just a douche bag. I'm leaning towards douche bag... a tiny, furry, adorable little douche bag.

2. "Fry Bread"  and "Turkey-Guns":

Both of you are FUCKING WEIRD. And considering some of the people who frequent the Cafe, that's saying something. Stop talking to me. Fry Bread,  You are a sad, pathetic man who can't find a woman his own age, and I will never never never never never go out with you ever never never ever. I think I am supposed to feel sorry for you, everyone else does, but whenever I see your face and the gross way you walk, I just want to stab you in the face with a hammer. Whether that threat makes any sense is irrelivant... when there is a hammer in your face.

And Turkey Guns, yes that is the only nickname we could come up with- Turkey because you won't shut up, and Guns because you are the kind of man who would open fire on an abortion clinic. I don't give a fuck about how you grow squash and I most definitely will NOT help you sell bomb shelters door to door. Who the fuck would buy a bomb shelter from a door to door salesman anyway? WTF? And how dare you show up at Taco Johns today and try to explain to me what Taco Tuesday is as if I'm some kind of uncultured moron who doesn't understand the value of 99 cent tacos. God damn fascist.

3. Children:

You guys are cute and all, but could you be a little cleaner? Maybe not eat paint? And wash your own dishes? And if it's not too much trouble perhaps you could just stop all that pooping? And while you're at it, hell, let's just cease the peeing as well, huh? Because honestly, and don't be offended because I think you're great, this whole "going to the bathroom" thing is gross and  it has to stop. It makes you smell bad and it means I have to change a diaper which is not really that fun for me, has to be awkward for you, and just basically no one is having a good time. Your pooping ruins my fun. There, I said it.

Dear Future Roommate,

The sheet they sent me says that you are from the same small town as my dear Mariah. I asked her if she had heard any horrible things about you, but she hadn't. She hadn't heard anything at all about you actually, but I googled you and since no headlines about serial rapists, contagious diseases, or pooping popped up, I have decided to be cautiously optimistic.

Since we are to share a tiny, confined space for at least 4 months, here are some helpful tips to help us get along better:

1. Please try your very hardest to stay in peak mental and physical condition. I will occasionally hide in corners and jump out at you unexpectedly to test your reflexes.

2. Have a sense of humor. Can you do a good Sarah Palin impression? What is your stance on poop jokes? Do you know the lyrics to and appreciate the comic genius of the Altoona Family Restaurant song? Please review these items over the next few months.

3. Don't be a skank. If I witness you having sex in our room, I cannot be held liable for throwing up in your backpack, in your dresser drawer, and probably also on your bed although I may need to take a break to eat something in between.

4.  Hygiene: it's not just important, it feels great too. 

If you have any weird quirks like allergies, phobias, or words that trigger psychotic outbursts, do let me know ASAP. I'd like to be prepared before hand.

xoxo Hannah

If your beef stroganoff smells like poop, watch out because someone probably pooped in it.

My dearest darling Mariah,

 I miss you in the way a bird would miss flying or a river would miss being wet if there were a drought or something. That is a lot of missing.

Today I raced a mentally disabled man to the library. I don't know if he knew we were racing, but I beat him anyway and the whole time I was thinking of you. I was also thinking of other things like what kind of cake I like best and who do I know that would have a bike pump and why do hands look so weird, but in the forefront of my mind was an image of you. 

As we all know Mariah, relationships are built on honesty and trust and that is why I feel I must make this confession to you: I watched the Star Trek movie last night and I enjoyed it. A lot.  I especially liked that part where there were aliens and a big red ball and Spock got mad. That part was great. Please don't think less of me.

Perhaps we can convene in Hayward some weekend? My birthday is coming up in a month and you need to buy me a present. Here are some ideas:

*Money

* Plane ticket to Sweden

* A tiger

*A golden bike pump

* My very own asian baby

*New boots

* A heart (to replace the one that broke when you left me)

Hopefully I shall see you in the near future. Meanwhile I will see you every night... in my dreams...

xoxo Hannah

Dear Hannah,

Now that school is done I have a void left by you that is impossible to fill.
In true Hannah fashion, I shall list things that I need you for.

1.) Turning the lamp off. It's just not the same having to get out of bed to turn it off. You are my arms, dear friend, arms that are capable of bringing light into my life and of taking it away. (metaphorically and quite literally)

2.) Being messy. You see Hannah, now I share a room with my sister who is quite neat, very much unlike you. I miss anally putting your clothes in the closet and shutting your drawers. (This sounds like I literally use my butt to do these things rather than 'anally' as in obsessively, sorry for the gross misunderstanding)

3.) Poop jokes. Yes Hannah, I miss you and your poop humor.

4.) Everything Hannah, my love. I so very miss you already! You are one of my dearest friends and I will never forgive you if I don't see you this summer.

Love Love,

Mariah (your ex roomie and secret admirer, and I mean that in the creepiest way possible)

Suck On This Grey's Anatomy

Dear Friends,

This weekend has been rough to say the least.

On Friday I felt so awful that I even (gasp)... skipped biology lecture! After my 8:00 a.m. lab of looking at plants I decided to go back to my room and curl up in a ball. When I finally got there I was welcomed by Hannah who was sorting her bathroom stuff on the floor. She told me I didn't look so good.

Story of my life.

To make a long draining story short, I passed out on the floor for a few seconds from which Hannah concluded was from either menstrual cramps or a middle ear infection (she webmd me). I felt better but then it got worse and I started to hyperventilate and my arms and legs went numb. I don't remember much but Hannah got our RA and they called 911.

I remember the most manly EMTs came, strapping young men who got me on a stretcher and into the ambulance. Hannah said I yelled at them. I'm sorry hot men.

I got to the hospital and the IVs started to kick in and I felt better!
I was living the life. Being fed through tubes, watching The Daily Show on tv, and sipping on cranberry juice cocktail while lounging in a hospital gown and socks. The nurse said I reminded her of her daughter, one of the manly EMTs came back and visted me, the doctor was the hottest one I've ever seen. It wasn't that bad.

Hannah came up to bring me my shoes and to sit with me until they let me go after my blood tests. She even got to drink my Sprite and enjoy the life. Although I did look like a crazy person with an ID on, IV in my arm, a very revealing hospital gown on, smeared makeup and messy hair, accompanied by hospital socks. Awesome!

Finally they let me go and concluded I was dehydrated and blah blah, I really don't know.

I do know that that hospital breeds hotties and hey, I didn't have to go to TWO classes.

Life's a beach.

Love Love,
M

p.s. Martin, darling, you are the manliest of the men and the hottest of the hotties. I love you.

A Parade of Child Unemployment

Today on Water Street a parade was being held. I didn't know what it was for, but my imagination decided that it had something to do with a bunch of children being unemployed. Here are some of the things I saw:

I saw this poor, tiny, tiny chef forced to sell his wares on the street.

And there was this thing.

This baby stared down the crowd, as if he could sense each one of our individual faults and it disgusted him. That was a very ominous baby.

Moments after this picture was taken, their eyes locked and the child was devoured in such a flurry of ravenous excitement that nothing was left but scraps of polyester and a single bloodied tennis shoe.

If CHILDREN can't even hold jobs, what hope is there for the rest of us? 

xoxo Hannah

Dear Readers,

I'm very sorry if you were offended by my PDA in the last letter.

Give me a break, Nanny 911 last night was very sad and I was just feeling completely sentimental.

I promise to return to my bitchy self starting now. I mean yesterday Mormons tried to convert me on campus, that made me pretty bitter. A nerd also mouthed "hi" to me. Pissed I was.

Now I didn't sleep and I have to go on a "field trip" outside to look at... plants.

Ok, back to angry self.

Love Love,

M