3 Things that Should Appologize

1. Candy Hearts:

You taste like extra strength ibuprofrin if it was accidentally stored with fruit, and yet you have no pain releiving properties.  So tell me, what are you good for? 

Nothing. Just give up (especially you, banana flavored heart. You know why).

2. Girl who Took my Clothes Out of The Drier and Left them, Still Damp, on a Table,

If I were to organize an outline about my feelings for you it would look like this:

I. You are a bitch who should not do laundry.

A. There were two open dryers besides mine.

1. I totally opened your dryer up with 30 minutes left JUST TO SPITE YOU. 

a. I would have thrown my gum in there too but the flavor was not gone yet.

B.  Do you realize you wasted $1.75 washing four sweaters?

1. Are you retarded?

a. Yes you are.

3. Ice:

You made me fall down and hurt my knee. What gives you the right to be so slippery?

 

Letters of appology can be sent to my email or dorm address. 

xoxo (but not to YOU candy hearts, laundry girl, or ice)

 Hannah

Say What?

Dear Bjorn,

We have some issues to work out.

I arrived at the birkie very excited to see you finish and whoop some butt. so I bet you can imagine my surprise when you came in SECOND!

Come on bjorn, ever since I knew who you were ( about 3 days ago) I have decided that you are god among men in the world of cross country skiing. I expected you use your ski poles and spear the competition.

On the other hand, an American beat you.

I only got one awful picture of you because you went so fast and, frankly, I didn't recognize you.

Notice there is a classic skier in front of you.


Love love love,

M

p.s. I really do love that you skied for MS. You still are my cross country god and I still love you. No hard feelings.

Ghost Catching

Now I have never been one to jump to irrational conclusions (the whole thing about Suwda being a werewolf was mostly a joke for those of you who didn't know), but Mariah and I are pretty sure our dorm is haunted.  For realzies. 

For months now I've listened to children laugh and run around above my head at night and wondered who the hell is keeping kids in their dorm upstairs and doesn't give them a reasonable bedtime. I never thought much of it until today. As I was racing to the bathroom to pee I happened to glance at the white board where we residents are supposed to write down our concerns and saw that someone had written: 

"Do we have a fourth floor? Does anyone else hear them or am I crazy?"

Then it hit me: there is no fourth floor. And I started to remember some strange things that have happened over this year, like a few months ago when the girl next door (in the room I originally thought the noises were coming from) knocked on our door and bashfully inquired as to if I'd been hearing anything strange coming from the ceiling. And I recalled how Suwda would always have people over and the TV on when I was gone because she was so terrified to sleep alone in here, and now days Mariah does the same thing.

Mariah watched bits of A Haunting on the Discovery Channel between naps and seems to think we ought to leave crayons and baby powder out near my desk in hopes that the ghost might be lured by some irresistible paranormal urge to color and will in the process disrupt the baby powder.

I think we just need one of these things:

A Victorian ghost catcher.

xoxo Hannah

A Personal Letter

Dear Bjorn Daehlie,

I think it's great that you are coming to the Birkie this year.

To be honest with you, I didn't know you were a multi Olympic Gold Medalists as well as a cultural icon in Norway. Hey! you even had your very own tv show. Good for you!

I had to google you.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing you.

Love,

M

p.s. please tell your fellow countrymen to beat the Italians. Really, it's getting old.

Eh there Birkie

Dear Skiers,

I am coming for you this weekend.

Watch out, I'll have my bell on me.


Love,

M

Classy Classy Roommates

Between our debate on whether it would be better to be a hamster or a gerbil and our delight at finding the a sandwich themed conversation in Mariah's Swedish book,

       -"Is it a small sandwich?"

       -"No. It is a large sandwich."

Mariah and I learned that in Minnesota it is illegal to have sex with a live fish. This revelation led us to ponder many questions (aloud in front of K-Dawg), namely: What precedent was set that this law had to be made? Has it ever been enforced? What are the penalties? Fines? Prison time? An essay? How does one actually go about this business of fish intercourse? Do fish have vajay-jays*? Is oral sex still legal? What if you are the one giving it? And why specify the state of the fish? Although live fish are out of the question for what I'm sure are ethical reasons (although I'm sure there are those who would argue the possibility of mutually rewarding consensual fish-sex, providing one takes the fish out for dinner first and doesn't ignore the ever-important foreplay), the Minnesota state government apparently couldn't bring its self to take away a man's God given right to fuck a dead fish to his hearts content.  After all, this is America. 

*They don't.

xoxo Hannah

A Hermione in a World of Malfoys

Dear Lovers of Life,

As you all know I am applying to move to Sweden sometime in the fall and I have been faced with the problem of a language barrier.

So I admit, I haven't been really using the cd I bought for 12 dollars off of Amazon. I just find it very difficult, and sometimes I rather watch reruns of A Haunting with Hannah, curled up on the floor in a blanket...

but today Martin told me something that made me feel guilty. "Mom asked about your Swedish learning, I told her you had been practicing, but are you?"

Errrm I haven't. I mean I do know lots of words and sentences that Martin said I'm never to use in any public setting. (but they sound so cute!). Well anyway I promised Martin I would start practicing. So I ventured up to the fourth floor of the library, searched "Swedish" in the computers and found the section.

Hannah came with for moral support where we found the small Scandinavian language section. It was quite small and old, I think some of the authors might have been the first to speak Swedish, but with the help of Hannah we picked some out that looked rather interesting.

Hannah selected some Russian books although I thought it would be fun for her to learn Norwegian so we could compete against each other, like the US and our special friend to the north (hint: they love maple syrup and have a giant ass leaf as a symbol).

SO after procrastinating by of working out and asking hannah if she would rather be a hamster or a gerbil, I began to read them. I felt so ridiculous, I could just imagine my Cecilia Bergsland calling me a retardo.

It hurt my feelings.

I really will try very hard. It's just I have a fear of never quite fitting in. I told Martin I would be like A Hermonie in a world of Malfoys. Then he asked if we had kids with Magical Powers, would we send them to Hogwarts because England was quite far away.

We agreed homeschooling would be the best route.

Anyway, I'm thinking about putting an ad in the paper, I mean there has to be someone old who speaks Swedish. It would look like this.

WANTED: OLD SCANDINAVIAN PERSON
MUST: Know Swedish
Bake Cookies
Compliment Me on Being Cute
and Knit Me Sweaters
IN RETURN I WILL:
Look at Pictures of Your Cat Birthday Parties
Not Tell You How Weird Your House Smells.

or something like that.

Oh and dear Swedish readers, why do you always so sound so happy?? Even the F word sounds like something you would top cookies with.

Love your hopeless friend,

M

p.s. Martin and my baby (the visa application) arrived at the Swedish consulate in DC on Valentine's Day (!!!)

p.s.s. är det en liten smörgås, Martin?

There is a Reason Why Math is with Numbers.

*UPDATE*

I have been informed iff may be a math term for "if and only if". I feel much better now.
Now if I can only explain why he wrote "please choice a personal number" today in class.......

Dear Math Professor,

You spelled "if" with two "f's" today. Like "iff".

It really bothered me, and I wondered if anyone else noticed.

I think you are hypocritical, I mean if I put an extra 0 on the number "10"
it would be "100", and it would be wrong.

Perhaps you should consider this when grading my quiz.

Love,

M ( 3 desks from the back)

When I was 12, Birds were Birds, Bees were Bees

Dearest loves,

I have been enthralled, nay, captivated by this news story about this 12 year old boy having a baby with a 15 year old girl. I have to share this because I just find it so sad yet interesting.

So here is the dish,

This British boy named Alfie gets a 15 year oldgirl (chantelle or something) Pregnant. Ok, so you say, dear readers, that I have already told you about this. BUT the plot thickens... Now there are 2 OTHER boys claiming to have had "relations" in the Bill Clinton sense, with this sexpot Chantelle and they too could be the baby daddies.

Here is the link. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4630866/Schoolboy-father-Alfie-Patten-may-take-DNA-test-after-two-more-teens-claim-paternity.html

What do you think about this? I thought shit like this could only be American.

I think we should bring Maury into this situation, he would find out in a minute.

YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER.

Love mmwwaaa

M

A Note Of ThankYou

Dear Readers,

For a while there we only thought there were 5 of you, but now we can see with our nifty person counter there are 122 of you! wow!

The thing is, we never hear from you, what you like and what you don't. I think Hannah and I both would love it if you commented more on our blogs or even just commented on this one that way we know that you are real people and not just my boyfriend going on different computers.

You are all wonderful.

Love, Love, Love,

M