Names I'm Not Allowed to Call Martin

Today Martin set up some ground rules for names I am not allowed to call him in public. They are the following:

1. Wiener

2. Squirt Head

3. Lamp Fucker

4. Dinosaur Mother

5. Son, Uncle, Dad, Father, Grandpa or any other name that implies that less than 16 generations separate us from being related. (I am allowed to call him sunshine as long as I pronounce it with a French accent.)

Amendment to List:

1. Pengwienie (the combination of penguin and wienie which implies he is a penguin's genitalia)


Love Love

M

Dear Door,

I knew this morning that when I left for the bathroom at 7 a.m. that I didn't remember my combination to you... but the wind blew you shut before I could rethink my potty decision.

I came back to you after the bathroom and the code didn't work. I tried for 50 minutes! almost near tears because I was tired, nothing made you budge.

I went to the front desk in my pjs asking for a key to let me in, they had nothing.

Thank God my RA came out of the bathroom and helped me with a master key to let me in.

She told me to fill out a maintenance request to have you fixed but I had a feeling it wasn't you who was at fault.

I called Hannah(who was not in the room) at 7:53 to check what our combination was.

I was doing the wrong one, door.

Love Love,

M

Dear America,

I don't know what is up with you.

It's like you want me to leave.

First the Daily Show goes to Sweden,

Now my beloved Bear Grylls and Will Ferrell?????

http://socialitelife.celebuzz.com/archive/2009/04/24/will_ferrell_enjoys_urine_reindeer_eyeballs_with_bear_grylls.php

Ok, I'll leave already.


Love Love

M

p.s. by now, I mean August, I need to make some money first America.

Videos You Must Watch

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=225113&title=the-stockholm-syndrome

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=225126&title=the-stockholm-syndrome-pt.-2

The Daily Show goes to Sweden!


oh and here are naked boys

http://www.thelocal.se/19000/20090421/

love love

M

Dear Marie from the Swedish Embassy,

You wrote me today saying I was APPROVED for my Residence Permit!!!!!

Thank you so much Marie.

Love Love,
M

Shell Discovery Rocks Playground

H&M has received information from a credible source that a small shell has been found sometime this morning on an Eau Claire playground.

"I found this shell with Frank and Peter at school!" shouted our excitable three year old source, proudly holding said shell aloft as one might an Olympic torch. Upon initial investigation the shell appeared brownish/grayish in color, was about the size of a chess pawn, exhibited a spiralled cone shape, and was most likely constructed from calcium carbonate secreted from the mantle of a freshwater snail. 

We were unable to gather more information about the discovery, as our source needed to go potty, but the source's father later confirmed that "Yes, Frank and Peter are your friends at school."

xoxo Hannah

Dear BFF Tim the German,

Today you wrote on my Facebook wall that you would like me to write blogs for you to read during class, instead of listening about Martin Luther King Jr.

Well Tim, MLK is a very important figure in American History, and I very much dislike the fact that you would rather not listen.


..... but since you insist.......

Here is a blog about your favorite subject in the world.
Prude Americans.

So Tim, yesterday I was in my History of Photography class and I was to make a group presentation of Photography in Advertising. My section was "Marketing to Women".

Picture this, a movie theater size screen, half of which is dedicated to our powerpoint. My turn finally arrives, and I did very well, people were laughing all the time and I even got to use a laser pointer!

I put up a giant picture of David Beckham's underwear ad and made a joke about how I just wanted to see it on the big screen. I also ended my presentation in front of a women with a vibrator. Everyone loved it!

but then we got our class critique papers in which our classmates wrote what they thought.

Everyone loved me except one girl,

she wrote my pictures were too shocking.

Tim, this makes me so happy! Finally, I am considered edgy.

but... probably not edgy enough in doucheland.
(Did you know that dusch is shower in Swedish? I don't mean douche like shower, I mean douche like something old women use to clean out their you-know-whats.)

So Tim, I miss you and I hope you are having fun in class and maybe you should try listening.
After all, he had a dream.

Love Love
M

Polka is Never a Problem, Only a Solution

More to Come










Love Love,
M

Invention Ideas

In this failing economy we're all trying to make a little extra money and if you're the creative type, inventing the next best selling product might sound pretty awesome. I mean the Snuggie is completely retarded, yet it is making millions. Don't you wish you patented the "blanket with arm-holes" idea first? I do.

Brainstorming the next big invention can be intimidating- there are so many options!- but I've decided to do my part and help you guys out. Here's a list of some things that you can go right ahead and NOT invent. It will save you some time.

Bad Idea 1. Nose-ring wolf leashes:

Step 1: find a wolf. 

Step 2: Pierce its nose.

Step 3: Attach a leash to the ring in its nose.

Step 4: Congratulations, you now have an an angry wolf on a leash. Enjoy.

Bad Idea 2. Ketchup Apples

All the nutrients of an apple but with the zesty flavor of an apple that has been coated in ketchup. Eat them at home, in the car, at the ball game! Anywhere that ketchup apples are permitted. Order now and we will throw in a FREE garden trowel! Oh yes!

Bad Idea 3. Trick Pants

Picture this: you are at a party when you trip and accidentally spill some red wine on your pants. You ask your pal who is throwing the party if you can borrow a pair of his. "Of course, good buddy!" He says, "Come right on upstairs!" He tosses you a pair of sweats and directs you to a bathroom to change. You try to don the pants when- surprise!- you realize that the leg holes are sewn shut. Now you just look stupid and your feet can't grip the floor. So you decide:

My friend is a dick. Thank you Trick Pants.

Bad Idea 4: Pennies with Velcro on them

I honestly can't think of anything you could do with this.

xoxo Hannah

Things

There are so many Things that have happened lately, it's hard to put them down into grammatically functioning English sentences, but I will try my bestest. (damnit, I mean best)

Thing 1: I met with my Poly Sci Advisor who only wanted to meet with me because his wife was a resident in Sweden for 20 years. He's from Iran so I have a hard time understanding him, but I did understand him listing every possible bad thing about Sweden including suicide and alcoholism. Oh, but he did offer to introduce me to Sven the Swedish Exchange Student (Score!).

Thing 2: I went for a walk last night and decided to jog for a small stretch. An older man jogged past me but then stopped and God Bless His Soul, asked me "Are your running the marathon this Saturday?" I said no, and he kept on "1/2 marathon? 2 mile?" . My answer didn't change until he asked what side of the trail I liked to run on. I picked a side because I didn't have the heart to tell him I don't actually ever run and that I'm not sweaty in appearance because I had walked the whole trail. He jogged by, and Damn him, I had to swing my arms fast the rest of my walk when I turned around on the trail just in case he saw me again, that way I could easily slip into jog mode.

Thing 3: It's getting so warm here. I usually don't care for warm weather, but it's a pleasant change of pace from fucking freezing.

Thing 4: I have developed fears about walking through tunnels and under bridges, especially the one on my walking trail I go on every night. I'm always afraid I will get raped in there, or that a vampire girl like in "Let the Right One In" will kill me, or worst, a squirrel or chipmunk will fall on me when I come out. Martin has now deemed it "The Tunnel Of Irrational Fears"

Thing 5: Martin recieved a form from the Swedish Migration board today!!!!!!!! This means he fills it out and we are all done with our part of the deal. We just wait. This is a big step!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Things are great.

Love Love,
M

Mean Girls

I know I already wrote a blog today but I have learned some breaking news.

My brother and my cousin are being bullied.

Now this bully isn't what one would expect.

According to Cole and E, their kindergarten class is being terrorized by a bully who tries to rally people to beat them at various tasks during the day. The bully also apparently runs a small gang of vicious hoodlums who attack at this bully's command.

Who is this bully you ask?

The smallest 5 year old in the entire class and a girl.

I say this sort of terrorism needs to stop. A Napoleon complex, I do say. Here is an actual except from our intense dinner discussion.

"She always says "beat cole, beat cole"!" - Cole

"Yeah, and she is as small as an ant!" - E

"No, a germ. .. and when you get germs on your hands, you wash them down the drain"- Cole

So take that bully.

Alyssa and I decided E and Cole should start a gang.
This is their first official picture.

Love Love
M

Dear Biology,

I have made some observations.

A consequence of studying the reproductive system intensively for two weeks is me making some very clear hypothesis as to what really goes on inside the pitts of the male and female bodies.

Let's start with you Sperm. ( I capitalize and bold you for emphasis):

There are millions of you.

The majority of you are demented and stupid and are not viable in the first place.

You rather die than ask for directions. (pick an ovary, any ovary)

You have no brain.

Even when you are not wanted anymore, you stick around for 5 more days.

You compete for one egg and fight over it when you very well know if you waited, there would be another. (maybe you don't know, see above "You have no brain")

Now you Eggs.

You are carefully constructed.

You are almost always perfect.

Every month you patiently wait for the Sperm to rescue you from death, but they hardly ever show up on time.

You are complex and are more than top cell deep.

Conclusion:
You are funny biology, very funny ....

Just saying.

Love Love
M

p.s. Du är bäst, Martin. Jag älskar dig.

Dear Weather

You are a deceptive bitch.

You taunt me with your sunny promises of warm weather and blue skies and shock me with your bitter cold.

Rain/Snow/Sun make up your mind!

I hate you.


Love Love
M

Dear Angry Polish Diplomat,

It was nice seeing you this weekend and I had a lot of fun attending the cocktail party at Prof J's house with you.

Did you meet Karl Andressen too? He was the 80 something year old Norwegian man who helped start the Birkie. Oh, and the one hitting on all the young girls.


I think you should have been nicer to the Assistant to the President of Latvia, after all, I feel like me and her connected after I peed next to her in the bathroom and proceeded to make an ass of myself when I couldn't turn off the sink.


..but really man, you need to calm down.

Love Love
M

p.s. What was the Prime Minister looking at on his computer??

Wow.

Today I heard a girl in my dorm pee continuously and with unwavering strength for a full 3 minutes. I counted. At first I thought there must be a leak somewhere in the bathroom... I mean it doesn't seem possible for one person to expel that much liquid and still have enough left over for things like, I don't know, BLOOD... but when it finally stopped and I heard the rustling of toilet paper, I knew that there must be a human in there. 

Girl in the bathroom, I do not know who you are, but I salute you. You clearly excel at the noble art of urination and you deserve to be recognized for your accomplishments. Your bathroom antics had me so perplexed that I had to wait until after you left to pee myself. That has never happened before. Good job.

xoxo Hannah 

Dear British Media,

Michelle Obama touched Queen Elizabeth.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2009/04/02/2009-04-02_brits_go_bloomin_wild_over_first_lady_mi.html

Get over it...

It was friendly and besides Liz touched Michelle first!

This is exactly why we had to go and kick your asses in the Revolutionary war in the first place.

Love Love

M

p.s. I think Michelle could take your whole Parliament on, not that she would.
We love the UK.

Dear Former Prime Minister of Estonia,

I have to see you Friday at a diplomatic symposium as a requirement.

I want to make a T-shirt that says "You Rock eSTON(E)ia!"

My Professor Jesus, well not really Jesus (his nickname has been earned for being older than Jesus) is requiring it, and since he is from Lativia* (my professor, not Jesus), he has been sort of coaching us in class about the proper way to behave. Example:

There was a boy with a hat on at the beginning of class

"Sir, could you kindly you remove your hat?" - Prof. J

"Of course I will!" - American boy

"You know, if you wear a hat on Friday the EUROPEANS will think you are a barbarian!" - Prof J

****Prof J came to America as a small child, he has no accent but claims he does. He also has no idea about technology and always loses his microphone cliped on his suit jacket, he has a beard like the Life Alert Guy, says "aaggghhhhhhh" between every other word, uses the word "retarded" to mean slowed down as in "The British war efforts were retarded" and doesn't understand why the class would giggle, and is one of the smartest men I have ever met.*****

All in all Former Prime Minister of Estonia, Please don't be boring.

Love Love

M