Saturday, February 14, 2009
The Insanity Defense
Valentine's Day,Yes we all know it's a holiday made up so companies can sell a few extra cards and things shaped like hearts. Yes, some girls lose their minds being caught up in all the romance and chocolate...
and I, dear readers, like Hannah has stated, have become one of those girls.
I plead the insanity defense.
But can you blame me? For once in my life I actually have a serious boyfriend and am happy. I mean it's not the ideal situation, but I do the best with what I have, and what I have is the world's most perfect boyfriend.
Today is the day where I can get all gooey and "noo, I love you more" as much as I want because today was designed for it. I mean this boy sent me flowers even when he lives in a total different country then me. That takes work. God knows I love him for that.
So take that, I'm-too-cool- for-this people!
Today I will stand up proudly and say "Yes, Martin and I do that thing where we say "no you hang up first", and yes we make cutsie baby noises at each other on occasion, but so what?"
So go off and be sinister and criticize me for being happy, and ooey gooey. Everyone knows I do the same thing about you and your significant other behind your back while imitating vomiting.
I, dear readers, am a new fan of Valentine's day.
I love Karl Anders Martin Andersson with all of my heart.
Now go eat that pint of Ben and Jerry's and watch Bridget Jone's for the 800th time, I was in your shoes not too long ago.
Your time will come.
Love love love you snookums pumpkin pie honey bunch sweetie dumpling apple pie,
M
Your time will come.
Love love love you snookums pumpkin pie honey bunch sweetie dumpling apple pie,
M
I <3 You Boyfriend
February 14th, a special day. Mariah is in a romantic tizzy and, except to eat and/or pee, she hasn't left Martin's disembodied computer head ALLLL day. She CLAIMS she went for a walk this morning... but she may be confusing food scavenging at the Davie's Center for exercise. That's ok though, she's cute.
The Boy and I are postponing our Official Valentine's Day Celebration until tomorrow as he must work double shifts all weekend. I threatened to kick his boss in the face, but I probably won't, as I am far too lazy to walk all the way up the hill to Red Lobster. Oh well.
Valentine's Day is a polarizing holiday. It tends to turn even the most sensible women into sappy bundles of sentiment, or alternately, into bitter, love-hating crones. There is little room for people like me who just genuinely love chocolate, glitter glue, and undue attention. Plus all they have on TV today are Lifetime movies starring Sally Field and shows about skanks getting married. Even on Food Network. Jeez.
Well I've promised to escort Miss M to the Davie's Center for a much needed chocolate run so until we speak again: whether you are a crazy emotional mess or a loveless spinster,
Happy Valentine's Day from all of us here at YuBainaGangsta (so just Mariah and Me)!
May you all get laid,
Amen.
xoxo Hannah
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
A Message to Professors Everywhere
Dear Professors,
As a concerned member of your class I would like to give you a few pointers. Now, I am not telling you how to do your job. Heaven knows I didn't spend as much time as you on how to properly educate 18-26 year olds, but I have noticed a few things that you could improve on.
1. I hate when you randomly call on people in class. If I knew the answer I would raise my hand and let you know so I could receive my lousy 2 points in participation. Otherwise, I don't know, and I have no idea where you find this incisive need to embarrass me in front of my peers.
2. If you are speaking in front of a large group of people, please speak loudly enough so we can hear you. You are not teaching yourself after all.
3. I sometimes feel like you are teaching yourself. If I have a question, I would like you to know the answer, not "I will look that up for you". If you are going to test me on something, I suggest you know it yourself.
4. Participation points are extremely stupid. This encourages people to ask dumb questions (and there are dumb questions) and speak about things that makes the other class want to shoot them. Participation points = more talking, less speaking.
5. 10 point quizzes are lame. Knock it off.
6. Please, I don't like looking at your chest hair. The only time that is appropriate is if you are wearing a gold chain and swinging glow sticks above your head.
7. DO NOT put pictures of your cats in the powerpoints. This just makes me feel very sad for you.
8. If you teach math, stop the jokes. You are probably not funny. Nothing about math is funny, please come to class accordingly.
9. If you are a Poly Sci professor, stop being such a d-bag. We know you are smart and you went to school for a long time and you have voted in more elections than we have been alive for. We get it, it's annoying and unnecessary.
10. If you are teaching a subject, you should love it, and be passionate about it. When you love it, we love it. This does not apply to math professors, see # 8.
Thank you for you time. I will now continue to study for your 10 point quiz.
Love,
M
As a concerned member of your class I would like to give you a few pointers. Now, I am not telling you how to do your job. Heaven knows I didn't spend as much time as you on how to properly educate 18-26 year olds, but I have noticed a few things that you could improve on.
1. I hate when you randomly call on people in class. If I knew the answer I would raise my hand and let you know so I could receive my lousy 2 points in participation. Otherwise, I don't know, and I have no idea where you find this incisive need to embarrass me in front of my peers.
2. If you are speaking in front of a large group of people, please speak loudly enough so we can hear you. You are not teaching yourself after all.
3. I sometimes feel like you are teaching yourself. If I have a question, I would like you to know the answer, not "I will look that up for you". If you are going to test me on something, I suggest you know it yourself.
4. Participation points are extremely stupid. This encourages people to ask dumb questions (and there are dumb questions) and speak about things that makes the other class want to shoot them. Participation points = more talking, less speaking.
5. 10 point quizzes are lame. Knock it off.
6. Please, I don't like looking at your chest hair. The only time that is appropriate is if you are wearing a gold chain and swinging glow sticks above your head.
7. DO NOT put pictures of your cats in the powerpoints. This just makes me feel very sad for you.
8. If you teach math, stop the jokes. You are probably not funny. Nothing about math is funny, please come to class accordingly.
9. If you are a Poly Sci professor, stop being such a d-bag. We know you are smart and you went to school for a long time and you have voted in more elections than we have been alive for. We get it, it's annoying and unnecessary.
10. If you are teaching a subject, you should love it, and be passionate about it. When you love it, we love it. This does not apply to math professors, see # 8.
Thank you for you time. I will now continue to study for your 10 point quiz.
Love,
M
p.s. try to be more like Prof Jones, he seems cool
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
True Life: I give Birth to Animals
In lieu of some weird dreams I've been having...
"But what if it's a FALCON?!"
Young women today think that they've got a handle on everything. "I'd love my child just the same even if it were violently mentally disabled or had metal pincers instead of hands. I'm gonna be a great mother."
Oh yeah? What if your child had razor sharp talons and ate only raw salmon and field mice? Do you know how to toilet train a bird of prey? No you don't because they don't write parenting books on that shit! When it comes time for little Jimmy to go to school, who's going to explain to him that just because he looks a little different and mercilessly shreds the construction paper during arts and crafts, it doesn't mean he's any less special than the other kids? Ladies, it would take real unconditional love, patience, and thoughtful parenting to raise a well adjusted falcon-human hybrid in a world clearly prejudiced against them.
xoxo Hannah
Monday, February 9, 2009
The Hills are Alive (Pt. 1)
Did you know: that Austrians are just like any other people, only taller and more environmentally conscious? It's true, I know some.
J-Dawg's sister Katharina has come to our humble city from the great nation of Austria to visit her brother and find out exactly what our country has to offer. So far the terrible cafeteria food, cold weather, and jet lag (not America's fault) have probably put a damper on this Great American Odyssey, but Mariah and I have planned to help Katharina have the grandest experience possible and we will do everything in our power to insure that she has a lovely time.
I mean we already made sure she felt right at home by immediately singing the universally known Austrian Song of Friendship (The theme from The Sound of Music) outside her door before dinner.
Stay tuned for Pt.2 of our many part series ,The Hills Are Alive, and learn more about our gentle brothers (and sisters) in Austria.
Mariah sang so longingly that there were music notes on the wall! Wow. Look at that!
Later, we further introduced Katharina to our strange and beautiful culture by making her watch Rock of Love with Brett Michaels and half of Tropic Thunder. USA! USA!
And just to show that we care, Mariah and I asked before we started taking pictures of J-Dawg and Kat in their cute matching t-shirts.
"Do something Austrian!" Aren't they cute? Unfortunately Mariah started acting up and Johannes had to restrain her. Don't be a tourist Mariah, this is your country.
Stay tuned for Pt.2 of our many part series ,The Hills Are Alive, and learn more about our gentle brothers (and sisters) in Austria.xoxo Hannah
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Fwa Gwa
Dear Reader(s),
So I just ate my overpriced salad and drank my vanilla latte and thought to myself, god I hate high schoolers who visit and create long lines that prevent me from waiting for my usual sandwich. I have no patience.
Anyway, a few new things have happened since my last blog entry. First of all, I dropped one of my classes with one of the prof's I can't understand. Let's just say, it was impossible, that and I have been feeling a little overwhelmed.. which leads of the the second new thing in my life. I am applying for a Visa to live in Sweden in the fall. Yes I know I said this whole thing about school, but that doesn't seem like it will work out.
GOD DAMN IT THERE IS A PHONE WILL NOT STOP RINGING IN THE HALL!
sorry, anyway, Martin and I decided, with a little help from his mamma, that I should just apply for a residency permit and attend Swedish classes not through the college, then reapply for spring school. This brings us to the applications. Man, they really ask some weird questions like "Explain how you first met, with great detail, of where, when, and how". Of course martin wants this story that reads out like a romance novel.
Martin's ideal version
Mariah and I met on New Year's Eve, 2007. We were both attending the same New Year's party in Eskilstuna, Sweden and that was the night our lives were fated, nay, destined to be intertwined. I looked at her, she looked at me and it was love at first sight. We spent the entire party holding each other's hands, looking into each others eyes and talking about our hopes, fears, dreams, and aspirations. The hours melted away, neither one of us realizing the time. It was just her and I in that moment, someone even had to remind us to go outside for the New year to come in. We stood outside, the snow gently falling around us, the candles lighting a path below us, and we smiled at each other as the fireworks lit up the sky. We swigged our champagne and made our way inside to savor the last moments of the night. We were forever changed and from then on, we knew we would spend the rest of our lives together.
Mariah's Visa version
Martin and I met on December 31, 2007 through a mutual friend at a party in Eskilstuna, Sweden. We saw each other several times before my departure back to the U.S. on January 8, 2008. We decided that we would maintain a relationship although long distance and have so since.
Anyway, it's a very long process, and it will take 6-8 months to process. We both have to be interviewed too! That should be interesting.......
Well I have to go to photography class now and enter the scary world that is the HAAS fine art center, even pass the lovely portrait hanging on the wall entitled "Victor's Penis", of well, you get the picture. (pun intended)
love love love
M
So I just ate my overpriced salad and drank my vanilla latte and thought to myself, god I hate high schoolers who visit and create long lines that prevent me from waiting for my usual sandwich. I have no patience.
Anyway, a few new things have happened since my last blog entry. First of all, I dropped one of my classes with one of the prof's I can't understand. Let's just say, it was impossible, that and I have been feeling a little overwhelmed.. which leads of the the second new thing in my life. I am applying for a Visa to live in Sweden in the fall. Yes I know I said this whole thing about school, but that doesn't seem like it will work out.
GOD DAMN IT THERE IS A PHONE WILL NOT STOP RINGING IN THE HALL!
sorry, anyway, Martin and I decided, with a little help from his mamma, that I should just apply for a residency permit and attend Swedish classes not through the college, then reapply for spring school. This brings us to the applications. Man, they really ask some weird questions like "Explain how you first met, with great detail, of where, when, and how". Of course martin wants this story that reads out like a romance novel.
Martin's ideal version
Mariah and I met on New Year's Eve, 2007. We were both attending the same New Year's party in Eskilstuna, Sweden and that was the night our lives were fated, nay, destined to be intertwined. I looked at her, she looked at me and it was love at first sight. We spent the entire party holding each other's hands, looking into each others eyes and talking about our hopes, fears, dreams, and aspirations. The hours melted away, neither one of us realizing the time. It was just her and I in that moment, someone even had to remind us to go outside for the New year to come in. We stood outside, the snow gently falling around us, the candles lighting a path below us, and we smiled at each other as the fireworks lit up the sky. We swigged our champagne and made our way inside to savor the last moments of the night. We were forever changed and from then on, we knew we would spend the rest of our lives together.
Mariah's Visa version
Martin and I met on December 31, 2007 through a mutual friend at a party in Eskilstuna, Sweden. We saw each other several times before my departure back to the U.S. on January 8, 2008. We decided that we would maintain a relationship although long distance and have so since.
Anyway, it's a very long process, and it will take 6-8 months to process. We both have to be interviewed too! That should be interesting.......
Well I have to go to photography class now and enter the scary world that is the HAAS fine art center, even pass the lovely portrait hanging on the wall entitled "Victor's Penis", of well, you get the picture. (pun intended)
love love love
M
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