Christmas Quotes

Because we are Godless heathens, Christmas with my family has always been less of a religious experience and more of a celebration of our collective eccentricities. My father and boy cousins spent most of the day playing Rockband in the basement, Einstein got a bath, and Mom spent a lot of time reading her new abnormal psychology textbook so that she could better analyze the lot of us. Here are some choice quotes from the last few days.

"(Mary) was pushing the Lord and Savior out her vag today, what did you do? Cook?"- Uncle Pete

"This fence is dangerous because someone could walk over and plant a bomb!"- Luke (age 7) while sledding

"I've farted 160 times in my cat Morgan's face, 280 times in my dog Leo's face, and 320 times in my fish's face."

"How did you manage to fart in your fish's face?"

"It's easy! Every time I clean his tank..." A typical conversation between Luke and I

"When I grow up I am going to be either a massage therapist... or an assassin." Luke (this kid is good with the quoting)

"And then the Lord decreed, "Thou shalt not farm bears."

"Jesus was raised by Vikings." Ellyn explaining why the Bible missed 30 years of Jesus's life

xx00 Hannah

MMMBoy

Dear Reader(s),

Life is boring in Northern Wisconsin.
Things did:

Went to Rice Lake to horrible mall for fear of staying home and gaining weight

Ate Fast Food, Weight gain imminent

Taught my brother about Jews

Spelled 8 bajillion animal names for book to keep brother entertained. Failed miserably when spelled buffalo wrong

Talked to Martin Andersson

Watched Pearl Harbor

The End

Love
M

Another Love Letter

Dear Pumpa,

9 days

Love,

M

A Love Letter

To the loves of my life (this one is for you),

I feel like we have been out of touch. Like pebbles on the beach, I too find myself drifting away into the blue abyss sometimes, but as always, I find my way back again. It has been too long loves and my heart yearns for your company. I feel the need to catch you up on my journey in this world.

When I was reading hannah's letter to life, I realized I too, needed to express my feelings through letter format. This semester has gone by so fast it is scary. I was feeling quite sentimental last night looking at pictures from school. I have had some very good friends leave me this semester. Suwda, the Asian love of my life, has gone to a far away land called North Dakota, where only God knows what sorts of dreams can come true there. Tim the German, as his title leads one to believe, will be going back to the land of Schnitzel and beer and Hannah, well she has gone home to the exotic land of Madison. I feel I need to appreciate the things in my life more, hence this love letter.

To Humphrey Bogart and Jamie Bond,

I am so glad that I have had the chance to adopt you as my own. You have changed my life. The flip of your fins sends tears down my face. You are growing up so fast. I remember the first day I walked into Petco and witnessed your mommies pick you out of all of your friends. It was a beautiful thing. I am so lucky that Hannah has decided to let you two spend Christmas with me. My life is full of joy when I clean your tank and feed you your color enhancing pellets. May you have all the happiness in the world.

To the Author of Scheisse! The REAL German You Were Never Taught In School,

From the moment I set eyes on your precious gift to me, I was in love. No other book has brought such happiness to me in German form. I am forever indebted to Johannes for bringing your blissful being into my life. Your treasure will bring me happiness on my sadest days and joy in those lacking there of. If only I could tell you how much it means to me to know how to say the f word in three different ways. May your cup overflow with joy.

To My Mt. Rushmore Tshirt,

Never have I found such company that I would constantly want to have you this close to my heart. You have brought a sense of uniqueness only observed by the bearded lady at the circus. I enjoy the attention that is focused on me since you were placed in my hands. For more than five years now we have been together and you have not only presented me with the pride of honoring four great men by wearing them across my chest, but you have also brought me comfort in knowing I can still fit into you beautifully. George, Theodore, Thomas, Abraham, I love you from the bottom of my heart.

To You Dear Reader,

Know that I love you, whoever you may be. Although I am often rude and insensitive, please know that I understand you may have feelings. Now please, have a very merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, non-holiday, new year.

All the love in my heart,
M

Dear Stress, F U. Love, Hannah

Can't a girl play a simple game of Scrabble without having to help lug a strange German no one knows, nearly brain dead from a mysterious drug, to the hospital at 4 in the God Damn morning? Whilst having to deal with finals, Christmas shopping, and losing a roommate/werewolf (miss you Suwda baby!), you'd think that the Gods of Unloading Heaps of Shit on People could find it in their cold, black hearts to give a girl a bit of a break on a Friday night. But NOOOOO, that would be too easy. 

Anyway, in light of current events, and since the end of the semester is upon us, here are a few of the most important lessons I have learned in my first semester of college:

1. Never underestimate the intoxicating power of Absolut.

2. It is possible to subsist for months soley on turkey subs and Dr. Pepper. You probably shouldn't, but you can.

3. Kittens are the best therapy.

4. Find people to stand by you and hold on to them with all your heart. Mariah, Suwda, and David, I could not have survived without you.

5. Mellow Yellow is "a lifestyle, not a beverage." But Mountain Dew is

 still better.

6. "Friends keep score." 

7. Sometimes first impressions are wrong. Take people as they come and be pleasantly surprised. 

8. Family is super imortant.

9. Magic The Gathering is the single worst thing to happen to humanity. It is like heroin for nerds.

 

And of course, the most important of all lessons, the one statement I shall base the core of my existance on for the rest of my life (or at least for the whole of next semester):

10. At the heart of every crisis, somewhere, if you look hard enough, there is a German.

xoxo Hannah

 

Thanksgiving Confessions

Today I spilled a medium sized Cherry Coke all over the floor of the West Towne Mall, pretended I didn't do it, and then watched as some poor mall employees, already overworked by the havoc of Black Friday,  tried to manuver a large mop through the food court to clean up my mess.  I also tried on some clothes at the Gap and then scattered the sweaters I did not want in random places through out the store. Later I pretended to be napping so I could get out of unloading the dishwasher and just now I ate a delicious Snickers bar before I ate my nutritious pizza dinner. Sorry everyone. Sorry.

whew. Feels good to finally get all that off my chest. 

Happy Late Thanksgiving/Black Friday 

Because I know all you Swedes/New Zelanders have been celebrating 

xxoo

Hannah

p.s. Enjoy the picture of my adorable kitten Vader.

We've All Been Painted by Numbers

So I'm back from one day at home. It was a pretty event less weekend.

Things I did

Friday: did not go to Ileah's party, instead attempted to do homework, ended up falling asleep on my floor after 3 episodes of "women behind bars" and two of "CSI"

Saturday: went home with Ileah at 12 to spend the night with my sister. Talked to Martin on Skype with my brother and sister. Martin tried to buy my 5 year old brother's love with Swedish candy. Attempt failed, Cole started screaming and trying to shut my computer. Martin stated he would bring extra headache medicine, drugs, and alcohol to deal with Cole.  Alyssa stated she would bring Martin ice fishing... muahahhah

Sunday: Went to Twilight with Alyssa. Horrible movie I thought, everyone else loved it. Drove back to school and had to park 1 billion miles away and walk down hill to find a parking space open up next to dorm. Cursed life. Witnessed Tijana the serb grab two fish out of a tank Bear Grylls style and put them in another with her bare hands. Now convinced this is what all Serbians can do. Went to library and attempted to write stupid Political theory paper, emailed twin cousin Bryce about life and checked out his pictures.

Wrote blog while listening to The Sounds.

The end.

Love love

M

Animal for these Crackers, a Monster for these Cookies

Do you ever wonder if there are people around you who can read your mind? I always did when I was little. I used to think my 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Mattis could, so I would think really hard "get out of my head! oh and let us go to lunch early or I tell your secret!!", needless to say I was a special child. Well today I have reverted back to my child like ways.

The returning student (you know the ones who always raise their hands) in my English class, the one who is a Paranormal investigator/200 lb weight loss patient/former resident of Australia/creative writing student, has now relayed to our class that she is a Psychic and actually helped solve the recent murder case by seeing things in her mind and informing the police..... (#!#@&^). I don't know if my English class can get any odder really, I have now vowed I will never take them again if I want to live a normal life without constant fear.

Anyway, the entire time, I was thinking in my head "I didn't mean those things I wrote in my blog" just in case along with her physic abilities she can read minds. I'm even hesitant to write this now just in case she comes up to me on Friday and says " It was 250 lbs bitch"


Can't keep my hands, my hands, my uh huh hands.

Love, Peace, and all that jazz,
M

p.s. UPDATE, she totally walked past me when I was writing this blog!!!!!!!

Jag saknar dig pumpa (40)

Update

Here's what we've been up to this past week and why as you'll understand I we were WAY too busy to write any lengthy posts:

 

P.S. As it turns out, Scotch tape really DOES emit x-rays. The New York Times says so. Who knew? One point- Mark I guess...

xoxo Hannah

?

I will have a more elaborate post for you tomorrow with all sorts of lovely pictures and videos and engaging interactive activities, but for now.... 

Last night a guy tried to convince me, quite adamantly in fact, that Scotch tape emits X-rays.

His exact words were: "You guys, you guys. K. Scotch tape. X-rays. Scotch tape does x-rays."

 I at first reasoned that this person had been smoking a lot of hookah and taking large swigs of Svedka and was possibly not most trustworthy source of scientific fact, but after awhile the confidence and conviction with which he stated his theory got to me. And now I'm curious. I can't sleep wondering if even as I slumber peacefully in my bed, the tape in my desk drawer isn't pumping me full of deadly radiation. But I would feel ashamed if I researched this myself; I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if every time I typed an "s" in the Google search bar "Scotch tape- X-rays ?" popped up...

xoxo Hannah