Dear Nerves,

Please calm down.

I have done everything to make you behave and stop making me shake.

I studied something completely boring to distract you.

I exercised to release endorphins.

I took a long hot shower with cozy lavender soap.

I put on my fresh pjs.

I daydreamed of rolling waves along the shore of a warm beach.

I even listened to Simon and Garfunkel.

What is wrong with you? The interview will go fine.

Love Love,
M

Monday Happy Playlist

Eccentric Monday (songs that don't go together put in a playlist)

1. Electric Feel- MGMT
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtUI5MC9tVM&feature=channel

2. The Fear- Lily Allen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-wGMlSuX_c

3. Breaking It Up - Lykke Li
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0WUTeVwos8

4. L.E.S. Artistes- Stantogold
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCeZzW54a2o

5. Bucky Done Gun- MIA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVX0sVMGCAo

Love Love

M

Bleh

I broke down today and did a load of laundry.

Who knew swim suit bottoms were not a form of acceptable underwear?

Love Love,

M

Dear Sweden

My life seems to revolve around you now a days.

Last night I went to one of your country's movies called "Let the Right One In". It was showing on campus as part of the international film series. Cecilia told me it was stupid, Martin told me I should go just for the Swedish.

To tell you the truth, Sweden, I was confused because I wasn't sure if this was a real horror movie about a 12 year old Swedish vampire child, or dark comedy love story. Maybe it was all of those things? Well I did enjoy it, but for some reason, the Swedish language does not scare me.

German, well that's another story. You should listen to Tim the German while he plays soccer, then you would see what I mean.

Sweden, I really hope you will let me come and stay in August. I would really like another person to be present when I'm feeling sorry for myself once again in my room watching the "Harry Potter Weekend" on tv and passing out after eating one of the largest chocolate cookies known to mankind.

I think Martin would prevent cookie comatose.

Also, we have one of your countrymen here. Martin and I call him Sven, but I think his real name is Gusav? Not real sure, but he has been pointed out to me at dinner once. Every time I see him on campus, I resist the urge to say "HELP ME WITH MY SWEDISH" while pulling on his leg.

I think all of my friends are getting sick of me talking about my You.

I am obsessed.

Today one of my Mongolian friends stopped me in the hall to talk about my interview Wednesday. She told me in all seriousness "Mariah, maybe you should resist the urge to say whatever you are thinking, and not be so crazy".

I would like to thank the country of Mongolia for that advice.

While I have never wanted something so bad as this Visa, I also worry about other things.

Here are some things I am worried about you not having for me which I have compiled into a list:

1. I will miss Walmart. No cecilia, ICA maxi is only a cheap imitation.

2. I will miss poptarts, free plastic bags, Arizona Diet Green Tea, Cranberry Juice, Famous Dave's BBQ sauce, Green Bay Packers, my family, comfortable clothing, President Obama, English, ugly people (since I hear there are none in Sweden), fellow brunettes, real gangsta rap, country music, trashy tv shows, Anderson Cooper, my friends, people getting my pop culture jokes, oh and cars ( I hear you walk everywhere, ew)


Oh Sweden, I have such a love hate relationship with you.

I love Martin.

I hate lingonberries.


Love Love

M

K Guys, Help me Figure this Out...

These past couple of days The Boyfriend and I have been quarantined in his home suffering a shared flu ("or possibly mono... who can really know?"- The Not Very Helpful Doctor); sharing Tylenol and mugs of immune system-enhancing tea by the soft glow of Tropic Thunder on TV... you know, romantic couple things. 

After a heated discussion involving the realism of The Omen, The Boy slyly mentioned that he had picked out my birthday present. Naturally I was curious, especially since my birthday isn't for another three and a half months, so I beat him until he gave me some clues. Here is what I have figured out:

* It will be two parts- one of those parts is edible and the other is "very not edible."

* The "very not edible" part can apparently conduct electricity and may or may not be colorful.

Through careful interrogation and detective work I have discovered that my present is NOT:

*A Lightening Rod

*Wires

*Lingerie baked into or on top of a cake

* A Suit of Armor

*Water

*An Asian Baby

*A Boat, Muthafucka

Well, there go all my good ideas. If you guys have any better ones let me know. I only have three and a half months to sabotage my birthday surprise!

xoxo Hannah

Dear Lykke Li,

I wish more people loved you in the US.
(instead of Toby Keith)

love love

M

A Bountiful Harvest of Familial Love

Today I was pleased to find in my usually empty mail box not one, but two things! A post card from dear Kathi in Austria and a GIGANTIC box of random items my family thought I might need. The contents of the box were as follows:

3 bars of soap

3 bars of chocolate

2 boxes of popcorn 

A flashlight

2 bags of beef jerky

A carabeener with a warning label "Not for Climbing"

Q-Tips

A F-16 Fighting Falcon Glider Toy Plane

A manicure kit

Deodorant

Dental Floss

Shaving Gel

Silly Putty

Eye Drops

Toothbrush

Shampoo

Conditioner

Whitening Toothpaste

Razors

A Sewing Kit

Mouthwash

Lip Balm

Propel Fitness Water

Kool Ade

Tampons

Pads

and of course

Hand Sanitizer

<3>

xoxo Hannah 

Dear Marie From the Swedish Embassy,

I have a feeling we will be best friends.

I cannot express how happy I was to hear that you had phoned. It's just too bad I missed it and you had left the office by the time I called back.

What did you think when you heard my answer machine "Hey, It's Mariah, Leave a message!"
and you responded "Hello Mariah Phillips, this is Marie calling from the Swedish Embassy in Washington D.C. regarding scheduling a telephone interview with you, call me back at the following number...."

I think it's kind of funny, no one from my country's capital has ever called me.

I spoke to you today. I was so nervous all night and couldn't sleep. I had to wake up a half an hour earlier so I could calm down enough to speak.

I rang you at exactly 8:02 a.m.. I was going to call at exactly 8 but I lost my nerve.

You took me by surprise by answering right away and I managed to stammer out "thisismariahphillipscallingaboutmyswedishresidencepermit"

I'm glad you understood me.

I must say Marie, I swore up and down to Martin you were American by your accent on my answer machine, but when you answered I could tell you immediately weren't.

You had a British/Australian/American (or lack of an accent) accent. This is very distinguishable as a Swedish accent. If it's one thing I've learned, it is that a Swede has a very malleable accent when speaking English, in which they take on the accent of which they are surrounded by.

Cecilia has developed an American accent.

Martin had a British accent but it slowly turned American from talking to me every day. (he is still bitter about that)

You, Marie, must have seen a lot of Australians, Brits, and Americans in your lifetime.

Oh, and I see your last name is Whitman, you must have married an American! Good for you!!

Anyway, we have a scheduled interview next wednesday at 9 a.m. I have been thinking contstantly about what you will ask. I think I have been studying more for this in my head than my for my biology lab exam on Friday.

I just wish I could tell you Marie how much it means to me for you to put in a good word for me at the Swedish Embassy. You have my future in your hands and I appreciate all your hard work.

Oh Marie, Martin and I have imagined that you took the pictures we sent you and put them in some sort of collage of happy couples you've helped.

That's nice.

Please Marie, I love him so much.

Sincerely,

M

p.s. I think you would enjoy this song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m57pX0neh68

Did you Know?

*That pregnant ladies are awesome because they can balance plates of food on their bellies like otters?

*That I am not as good at drawing bubble letters as I thought I was?

*That a "character building experience" is really just a regular experience that is going to suck really bad?

*That Mariah mumbles about Walmart in her sleep?

* That my porn name (first pet+ street you grew up on) is Stymie 23?

Well now you know.

xoxo Hannah

I'm T-Pain, You Know Me

Dear Thugs,

As the end of Sunday approaches, I feel the need to contemplate my week as well as procrastinate studying for my photography test.

First of all,I highly recommend you to watch this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7yfISlGLNU

You know you want to.

This week was one that seemed to drag on for forever, but the things I did will look minimal to the things to come this week. Sigh.

I did do some fun things though. I hid a note in a digestion model in biology. I watched some weird guy air drum while waiting for lecture to start. I didn't fall as much as usual. Martin and I came up with an STD version of a Swedish pop song. (It's not our fault gonorrhea sounds so much like Cara Mia) I went to Target(!) and had Noodles & Co.

As you see friends, my life is like a mirror image of how T-Pain's must be. Bitches and ho's, bio models, and mother effing math.

OH, I have decided on my future career path in the motherfucking Swede land, bitches. I have decided that being an English teacher would be a perfecto job for me. I mean I could teach some teenagers what being a badass American is all about. I would have rap day, teach crumping, and drop it like it's hot.

Speaking of being a straight up thug. I decided that Martin and my future children should be raised like they call Compton home.

Picture this: A cute Kindergarten class full of blonde hair, blue eyed children ready to open their little minds to the world of colors, numbers, and kittens, when..... (cue the musical styling of 50 cent's P.I.M.P. )

Two small brown hair, brown eyed children role up in wife beaters and cornrows, flashin' ice like they be frozen. They acknowledge their teacher with a small head tilt up and take their seat while showin' their grilz with a snarl.

"Today class we will learn about animals."- innocent Scandinavian teacher (in Swedish)

"Bitch, we don't wanna learn about no animals."- our children

Adorable? Yeah, Martin didn't think so either. I think he pictures them more of a Van Trapp family singers also. (although he is pretty gangsta, looking at this picture)

Annnnyyywaayyy, I must continue to study.

Stay Fresh

Love Love,
M