How I Meet People

Last night I had a dream. I discovered that all of the drawers and cabinets in my room had been stuffed with bags of different brands of multi-grain bread. I panicked because I didn't know which bread was the freshest, as these are the sorts of things I worry about when faced with absurd scenarios.

After I awoke I headed to Research Methods class where the girl who sits next to me had the audacity to inquire as to why I was typing "dream bread significance" into Google.

I told her. She told me that last night she dreamed she was babysitting a girl who rolled a Kraft Single into a joint and smoked it. Now we are friends.



xoxo Hannah

P.S. According to the internet, dreaming about bread means your are either going to make a lot of money or be plagued by children who will drain your resources.

A Letter to my Fish

Dear Fish,

We've had some great times together. I love the way you swim from one side of your bowl to the other and the way you puff up your little gills and try to attack me whenever I feed you. Remember when I dropped you on the floor and had to wrestle you into a cup with my hands? Or the time I threw a pillow at you in my sleep? Oh, those were the golden days!

The thing is... why aren't you dead yet? Don't take this the wrong way; I like you. After all,  during our time together I have diligently fed you every so often and even cleaned your bowl a handful of times. But let's be real, you guys are two years old and not getting any younger. I think it's time you should start considering moving on to either the next life or to your own apartment so I can put something else on the shelf you occupy.

xoxo Hannah

Summer Revelations

I never write very much in the summer, but I'm tired of looking at that picture of Jamie and the haunted attic. So here are some things I've learned this summer thus far:

1. Don't eat at Denny's.

Here I observed a HUGE woman demand 2 extra gravies, hand feed her "service" dog shrimp and gravy, watch him throw up the shrimp and gravy, ask her friend whether dogs have shellfish allergies, and then give him more shrimp. Which he vomited. Next to my table. I don't know what service this poor overweight collie provided other than eating this lady's extra food. Needless to say, Mina insisted on eating her breakfast alone in the parking lot as this was preferable to dining next to THAT. The silver lining of this encounter was that I got to hear someone say, "Don't box that up, I don't think the dogs will eat coleslaw.

2. Being a Good Neighbor can Lead to one of the Worst Things in the World: a Cat Enema.

It's true. My cat Scout as been the model of community involvement: playing with neighbor kids, killing and delivering small animals to all the houses down the block, protecting our area from other cats, helping with groceries... and what does he have to show from it? Small animal bones obstructing his bowel, that's what.

3. The guy who rode past me on his bike "REALLY likes the jalepeeenos!"

I know because he told me in a loud and angry voice.

xoxo Hannah

Horrible Blogger/Good Student

I've been ignoring you and concentrating on my studies. I know, I know; I should be ashamed for being such a loser. I am and I'm sorry.

Over the past three weeks was working on bettering myself by not drinking so much soda (pop for you Minnesotans), practicing my driving, keeping a plant alive, and eating vegetables and ORGANIC cheese puffs. Through this journey I realized something important: self improvement sucks.

Upon receiving that revelation yesterday, Jamie and I have decided that we need a different goal to occupy the last two weeks of the semester. We decided that we and our fellow residents deserve an answer to the question that has been plaguing us for the past 31 hours: what is in the attic of our dorm?

Feral children? Vengeful Japanese ghosts? Delicious food? Asbestos?

No one knows for sure, but countless residents (around 6) of Katherine Thomas Hall attest that there is something that rolls bowling balls around the attic between the hours of 10pm and 12am, and we are going to catch it. Our first step will be removing the lock on the door. We will then ascend into the attic wearing ghost-proof gloves and hoodies. We will bring a flashlight, a butterfly net, and a jar to keep any ghosts or other cool things we find.

I will document our progress (if we make any) on this blog, so stay tuned!

xoxo Hannah

Literal Music Videos

Dear Libyan Arab Jamahiriya,

You are the 92nd country to visit our humble blog. Congratulations.

As a reward for being lucky 92, instead of scolding you for having a "Y" where you should have an "I", I am dedicating this post to your wonderful country.

Here are some reasons that Libya rocks:

1. The capital of Libya is Tripoli which is one of the places mentioned in Enya's song "Orinoco Flow". I used to love this song when I was a small child.

2. According to Wikipedia, Libya is the only country to have a flag of only one color and containing no design, insignia, or other details. In other words, Libya is the only country ballsy enough to be represented by just a green rectangle.

3. Point: Libya has no natural rivers and the government does not guarantee the right to a fair trial.
Counterpoint: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hemZMthSYeU

4. Modern Libya was founded in 1969 which is the same year that we landed on the moon. Coincidence?

So here's to you Libya: 4th largest country in Africa, Oh great land of the green rectangle, I would drink a toast to thee if only alcohol were legal within your boarders. Congrats on being our 92nd country and come back soon!

xoxo Hannah

Pictures of Things I saw in February

1. A creepy barn.

"She doesn't like it in the barn... the horses keep her up at night..."

2. This kid. She insisted upon wearing Dora the Explorer knee pads to the zoo, and I have respect for that.

3. A pile of otters. I want this for Christmas please.

xoxo Hannah

Watch your face

Mark it on your calendars, February 26: the day winter has officially gotten to me. How do I know?

1. I want to karate-chop everyone I see in the face. Everyone. Friends, co-workers, old ladies, babies, everyone. Chew too loudly? Have an annoying laugh? I'll kill you.

2. My head hurts, my back hurts, my stomach hurts, and I want to fall asleep on every horizontal object I come across.

3. I can't even think of a third item for this list.

I'm going to snuggle with the bf and pet some kitties. I'm sure I will feel better soon. Until then, watch your face and chew with your mouth closed.

xoxo Hannah

Hello Homeland,

I haven't been writing on here at all and that makes me sad. Now that Hannah and I aren't roomates anymore it's like a piece of me has gone missing and things are just not the same anymore.

Things that are not the same/I can't do without Hannah:

1. Look incredibly normal in comparison

2. Watch the Duggars spit another one out of that bottomless pitt of a hoohaw.

3. Eat copious amounts of Nutella out of a jars.

4. Watch informercials about sketchy producs.

5. Imagine if... moments (i.e. imagine if falcons were fire alarms)

6. Crash international parties where we are the only one who are not foriegn

I do know this, I'm going to write the shit out of this blog starting now. I don't know what that entails exactly but I'm going to find out come hell or highwater, or both.

So hello America, I'm back.

Love Love
M

I'm Finally Sexy Enough...

...to have a Nigerian Facebook-stalker. Here is a romantic message from him:

hello pretty Between You and Kenku Abidemi Folly

All about you looks and sounds interesting that why i had to give you all about me..Baby i had to let you know the truth and nothing else i am a real Nigerian by birth i need not to lie to you,Yeh i am a black and i so much admires you.Hope you will Liked to av me for an eternity relationship in your heart cos i av liked you with all my heart ever since i went through your profile i av had interest in you. I hate deciles and cheats so i wanna know if you will think of having me in ur heart..Hope seeing a lovely respond from you pretty.My cellphone is +234803767**** and +2347028751**** you can ring me any time ok...love all abt you nor you send me some of ur pictures via mail kenkuabidemie@yahoo.com

After reading this I am left with just one question: WTF is a "decile"? So I looked it up:

dec·ile

n. Statistics

1. Any one of the numbers or values in a series dividing the distribution of the individuals in the series into ten groups of equal frequency.

2. Any one of the ten groups.

Well he's right, I'm not one of those.

xoxo Hannah

Dear Minneapolis-St.Paul,

I'm coming...

xoxo Hannah

Dear Batman,

If I were you, my Mondays would go like this:

P.S. You don't have any pupils.

Want to make your own? Do it: http://www.batmancomic.info/

xoxo Hannah

Skating in the USA!

As an American girl living in an international dorm, I feel it is my honor and duty to expose my foreign friends to all the wonders that my great country has to offer. So last night some of the ladies of 2 East had an adventure. It began, as all great American adventures do, at Perkins where we ate fried meats, pie, and huge-ass sandwiches as is the custom of my people.

From there we ventured to a roller-rink. Jamie drove on the wrong side of the road for awhile. I couldn't believe that Kim (Vietnam) and Tidie (Indonesia) had never strapped wheels to their feet and rolled around in circles before! Tidie did alright. Kim's skating embodied

perfectly what I have always imagined it would look like if I put skates on my cat; there was lots of flailing and screaming. It was adorable.

She took to skates like a duck to something ducks are not good at

But Kim didn't let a few bruises dampen her enthusiasm. So cute!

xoxo Hannah

Hippocampus vrs. Hippopatamus

I'm really bored and unable to think about anything that makes the slightest bit of sense. So I'd open up and let you guys know how deep I really am.

Here is a list of all the important thoughts rushing through my brain in the order in which I am thinking them:

1. I wish I had a rival. I like to pretend that one of the girls on third is my rival because she has dark hair and wears things with lots of clasps and Velcro which I for some reason elicits my animosity. No one needs that many fasteners unless they have something to hide. All my clothes are held up by sheer willpower.

2. I'd like to tape a big piece of paper over my doorway every night so that in the morning I can burst through it victoriously.

3. I should carry lots of little Jenga pieces in my backpack so that I can dump them on a table and play at anytime in any place.

4. The difference between a hippocampus and a hippopotamus is that one is a big animal and one is Vietnamese.

5. Who's sign language book is that? Can deaf people read? Yes they can. Sorry deaf people.

I hope you enjoyed my complex inner thoughts (I have none) and my picture of a baby giraffe (I WANT ONE).

xoxo Hannah

I'm Not Dead

Nor did I fall asleep for 3 months and wake up with a beard covered in ice (although this is what it would look like if I did.)

If any of you were waiting anxiously to hear the latest updates about my ever exciting and drama-filled life, don't worry, you haven't missed anything. Basically it's been cold and I spent most of the past few months wandering around my home in a pink Snuggie, talking to my cat, and eating Indian take-out. Still, I guess I owe you, so I'll fill you in on the most important details of my winter thus far:

1. I have a new roommate! Her name is Jamie and at 9:15 every night we eat chips, and salsa, and cookies. We like to watch shows about prison and are planning to tour one some day, just for fun. She can do the splits and she doesn't like peanut butter. This is what we look like together in a fall-type setting.

2. I got my picture taken in one of those booths at the mall.

3. I got a really bad sinus infection and I had to go to the doctor and get some shots but it was ok because they gave me a sucker.

That is pretty much it. It is one of my New Years resolutions to keep up with this so I will be better this year.

xoxo Hannah