Men are from mars? No Shit.

Last night as the boy was tightly bundling me in blankets "like a burrito" as is my preference, he looked lovingly into my eyes and said "I hope you never find anyone weirder than me." He then gave me an affectionate bite on the chin, told me I looked like a mermaid, and retired to the living room to eat Lucky Charms for awhile.

Well dearest David, I can assure you I will never find anyone weirder than you and here is why:

1. I once came over to find you'd gone to Shopko and purchased just three things: mouse traps, string, and plastic sheeting. In a related story, yesterday we went to Walmart where I bought groceries. You bought tape for your label maker and a glass.

2.  You are a "do it yourselfer", but not the kind of DIY stuff that most people do like fixing the sink or installing fashionable handles on their cupboards. That shit's way too mainstream, and might also require some sort of appropriate tool or supply that you do not have the skill to whittle or mold out of stray paper clips and would therefore have to BUY. But when it comes to making cat scratching posts, candles, or make-shift surround sound systems, you're pretty good.  Not so sure about your "wall of cereal boxes" idea, but hey, we'll see.

3. Scenario: I'm vacuuming the living room and I come across a ball of tin foil. What to do? Anywhere else I'd just throw it out and no one would know the difference, but since I'm at your place I now have to consider a whole set of different scenarios: was this your special tin foil? Are there any precious memories attached to it? Was it one of the main components of that nuclear reactor you were working on and I am simply to ignorant of such things to notice the perfect folds that must have taken you hours to complete to precision? At this point I usually just put the tin foil in the box with the mouse traps and the string and decide to ask you about it later.

4.You may call the sheet that hangs from your ceiling a "room divider" but we all know what it really is... a fort.

In conclusion 

Ladies and Gentlemen: before you start complaining about how annoyingly weird your significant other is because he doesn't put the silverware in the right spots in the drawer, listens to talk radio, or behaves in some equally "incomprehensible" way, I hope you'll think about me and give the guy or gal a break.

David: You'll never be normal. But I love you anyway.

xoxo Hannah

Overheard at the Lake

"I got to hold the rooster and I TOUCHED ITS WADDLE!" -Mom

"No! Dr. Seuss was definitely an alcoholic because my librarian told me that once... or maybe that was Edgar Allen Poe."- Ellyn (because they had such similar writing and life styles)

"What would you do if I woke up at 4a.m., chopped down all the trees in the area, and dropped them on the cabin?"- Zack 

"I'm principled, rare, refreshing, squeaky clean... and horrifying."- Ellyn

"Which one was quieter, Antarctica or Anne Frank?"-Ellyn on the phone with Ryan, Anne Frank won out

xoxo Hannah

Quick Synopsis of July

I haven't written in awhile, so I'll use this opportunity to give a quick synopsis of the past month:

Early July, Mariah and Tim the German come to visit: The reunion was quite dramatic with each of us running to the clock tower from three geometrically equidistant points concluding with a group hug in the middle. It was both heartwarming and oddly graceful.

Then we went to Perkins & frolfed, the latter meaning we threw frisbees at nets for those of you who don't know. Oh, and we did that part at a park and not at Perkins. FYI.

Late July, Mom and Ellyn come to visit: We went tubing down the painfully slow Chippewa River, which would have been slower had we not made Ellyn and some random kayakers tow us much of the way. Ellyn took the time to reflect upon all the things she does for us on a daily basis such as "saving us from skin grafts, big fish, seaweed, and men."
Mom, ever the responsible parent, was sure to remind Ellyn not to put the lighter from the car in her mouth because she saw someone get burned that way in a movie. Then we devised a pilot for a gameshow called "What's on your Butt?" where contestants compete to discover what out of a selection of objects is on their butt.

Early August, The Boy's Bro's wedding: I wore a pretty dress, The Boy looked positively dapper in his tux, and I pulled something in my hip getting low low low low low low low low. Good times.

Today: I changed a diaper so bad that it brought tears to my eyes and gave me the hiccups.


xoxo Hannah

Larry the guy from Cable

So the Northwoods' only celebrity came in last night to my lovely working establishment. Larry the Cable Guy, better known as the "Git-R-Done" man. (Google him if you don't know who he is). He is like the mecca of all Rednecks with unexpectedly pearly white teeth.

Drawback :He smells like my grandpa and he is.... well a redneck.

Love Love
M

p.s. I move to Sweden August 12!!!

Paleness, Poop and Pervs: The Three P's of Summer

1. Paleness- It is nearly July, yet no matter how earnestly I attempt to gain some sort of pigmentation, my alabaster skin reflects all incoming sunlight. When I stand on the beach I look like a great, pale beacon guiding ships to a safe harbor. Seriously. This picture is not doctored. Yes, even the text was originally there.

2. Poop:

In a matter of 5 hours the three and two year olds I nanny for managed to collectively poop  8 separate times.  That is 2 for one kid and a remarkable 6 for the other. And these were some serious bowel movements. A sucky day to change diapers for sure, but I must say I was also a bit intrigued as to how such small bodies could hold such gratuitous amounts of shit whilst still maintaining enough room for things like... I dunno... lungs.  What. the. shit. 

3. Pervs:

Turkey Guns, for those of you who remember him from my previous post about 60 year old pervs who piss me off, asked me out. Well, he told me I was hot and asked if I'd like go to his farm sometime and look at his bomb shelter. How romantic. Suffice to say I declined.

xoxo Hannah 

Summer Loving

Dear Beautiful People,

Yesterday was a gorgeous day in lovely Wisconsin, followed by a lovelier day today.

Why, you ask, is today so great? Well... because YOU, yes YOU, darlings, can follow me on Twitter!

https://twitter.com/MariahMPhillips

This is way easier to update since I only need like a sentence.


mmmwaaa

Love Love,

M

Oh future home

Well hello my darlings,

It has been too long. I thank Hannah for keeping you all interested, whomever you may be.
I'm going to be better about writing.

So about 2 more months till the big move to Sweden! I'm so scared but so very excited at the same time. I've been working on my Swedish skills although Martin says it's not enough. :(

I'm really wondering how I'm going to adjust the new culture. Today, for instance, is Midsommer in Sweden. Martin plans to dance around a maypole symbolizing a penis (no judgments) for the holiday of fertility.

I'm an American, an American from Wisconsin. We don't dance around penises. We don't really even say that word.

Tim the German is right, I'm a prude, but s that such a bad thing?

Love Love
M

From the Mouths of Babes

I've been pretty busy with my new job working at a daycare all week. When I'm not hard at work sorting out arguments about the Transformers with 5 year olds, one of my favorite activities is eavesdropping on the private conversations of our nation's youth. Here are some choice quotes. P.S. I don't have a suitable picture for this post so enjoy this one of me and a really big butterfly I found.

7 year old girl to fellow 7 year old- "I told my mom that Icthyitis is a skin disease that causes scaling... but she just said 'Heather, this is AMERICA!'" (Goddamit Heather! George Bush didn't found this country so we could itch!)

4 year old boy- "Pooping sure takes a lot out of you."  (Both metaphorically and literally)

Little girl, thoughtfully after taking a bite of her sandwich- " I wonder what Jesus is doing right now?" ( It is 1:42 PM so Jesus must be grocery shopping. At 2:30 he plays Pictionary.)

xoxo Hannah

Things that Should Appologize- June Edition

1. Vader:

I'm trying to decide whether you have a bladder infection or are just a douche bag. I'm leaning towards douche bag... a tiny, furry, adorable little douche bag.

2. "Fry Bread"  and "Turkey-Guns":

Both of you are FUCKING WEIRD. And considering some of the people who frequent the Cafe, that's saying something. Stop talking to me. Fry Bread,  You are a sad, pathetic man who can't find a woman his own age, and I will never never never never never go out with you ever never never ever. I think I am supposed to feel sorry for you, everyone else does, but whenever I see your face and the gross way you walk, I just want to stab you in the face with a hammer. Whether that threat makes any sense is irrelivant... when there is a hammer in your face.

And Turkey Guns, yes that is the only nickname we could come up with- Turkey because you won't shut up, and Guns because you are the kind of man who would open fire on an abortion clinic. I don't give a fuck about how you grow squash and I most definitely will NOT help you sell bomb shelters door to door. Who the fuck would buy a bomb shelter from a door to door salesman anyway? WTF? And how dare you show up at Taco Johns today and try to explain to me what Taco Tuesday is as if I'm some kind of uncultured moron who doesn't understand the value of 99 cent tacos. God damn fascist.

3. Children:

You guys are cute and all, but could you be a little cleaner? Maybe not eat paint? And wash your own dishes? And if it's not too much trouble perhaps you could just stop all that pooping? And while you're at it, hell, let's just cease the peeing as well, huh? Because honestly, and don't be offended because I think you're great, this whole "going to the bathroom" thing is gross and  it has to stop. It makes you smell bad and it means I have to change a diaper which is not really that fun for me, has to be awkward for you, and just basically no one is having a good time. Your pooping ruins my fun. There, I said it.

Dear Future Roommate,

The sheet they sent me says that you are from the same small town as my dear Mariah. I asked her if she had heard any horrible things about you, but she hadn't. She hadn't heard anything at all about you actually, but I googled you and since no headlines about serial rapists, contagious diseases, or pooping popped up, I have decided to be cautiously optimistic.

Since we are to share a tiny, confined space for at least 4 months, here are some helpful tips to help us get along better:

1. Please try your very hardest to stay in peak mental and physical condition. I will occasionally hide in corners and jump out at you unexpectedly to test your reflexes.

2. Have a sense of humor. Can you do a good Sarah Palin impression? What is your stance on poop jokes? Do you know the lyrics to and appreciate the comic genius of the Altoona Family Restaurant song? Please review these items over the next few months.

3. Don't be a skank. If I witness you having sex in our room, I cannot be held liable for throwing up in your backpack, in your dresser drawer, and probably also on your bed although I may need to take a break to eat something in between.

4.  Hygiene: it's not just important, it feels great too. 

If you have any weird quirks like allergies, phobias, or words that trigger psychotic outbursts, do let me know ASAP. I'd like to be prepared before hand.

xoxo Hannah