A Philosophical Rant

There are some in this world who would call me cynical, even negative. They'd probably tell you that it is people like me, with my disgustingly realistic views of society that keep us all under the iron clad grip of "The Man."

"How dare she suggest that we can't all return to a solely farming and trading economy and live in perfect harmony without the constraints of money or government? Has she no soul!?"

Well you know what? I do have a soul, and you can suck it. My proverbial cup may not be overflowing with mythical creatures and children's glee like yours is, but it is at least half full with something most* of the time.

I like to think of myself as less of a habitual dream crusher and more of a realist. If you can somehow make a reasonable case as to how synchronizing our thoughts into one universal consciousness is a practical solution to gang violence I would love to hear it. If you could incorporate a Powerpoint and bar graph into your presentation I would be even more impressed. However until you can work some sort of logic into your idealism, I will be forced to filter all communication I receive from you into the "whiny middle-class white kid who took an introductory philosophy class" folder in my brain.

* Sometimes I am legitimately a bitch. :)

xoxo Hannah

We Always Have Time for Nerd Pictures.

I'm sure we've all wondered at some point in our lives, "What is that kid in marching band thinking right now?" I'm happy to tell you we now have the technology to find out.

Who needs a shirt when you have jazz hands like this?

Guess who's the black sheep in this family? But to be fair, the cats are actually bombs.
When it's love, you just know.

Thank you to awkwardfamilyphotos.com for cataloguing these gems and for consistently distracting me from doing any actual work.

xoxo Hannah

Don't let This Happen to You.

Circumcisions, the existence of North Dakota, unemployed children... over the past year we here at Yu Baina Gangsta have made up and then raised awareness for many important causes. And even though we've surely filled our good Samaritan quota for life, we're far from finished!

November is officially "Stubbed Toe Awareness Month" so break out the champagne, tape some protective padding around the sharp corners of your furniture and prepare to be made aware.

Did you know that stubbed toes effect over 800 million people* EVERY DAY? That is more people than circumcision and North Dakota combined! Doing the math, that means every year 10 in 10 people are victim to this horrible condition. In layman's terms, that is every person in the entire world** . The stubbed toe menace spares no one; small children, pregnant women, dogs, everyone is susceptible. Even you.

Now you might be thinking "So what? I've gone to parties, smoked some grass, stubbed my toe. Big deal. Nothing bad is going to happen to me!"

That is where you would be wrong. Repeated toe stubbing may lead to fractures, misalignment of toes, impaired balance, and eventually death***. Is that what you want?

Stubbed toes are here. They are in your house, at your work, and in your children's schools. Be aware, wear supportive shoes, and watch where you and your loved ones are going.

xoxo Hannah

*estimated

** people without toes excluded from survey

*** from falling due to poor balance

Notes (You Know you've Missed Me)

1. Dear Shrubs: trip me once, shame on me. Trip me twice and I will take a picture of you, and then add degrading captions to it.

2. Dear Wesboro Baptist Church:

In recognition of your tireless work in the field of shameless douchebaggery even in the face of violence, ridicule and sunlight, I say unto you : Right back atcha bitches!

P.S. nice shades.

3: Dear laundry,

Do yourself. Kthanx.

Much love,

xoxo Hannah

Dear New Roomie,

I've got no idea what you are like and I'm sure we'll be great friends,

but I found this picture today and immediately prayed it wasn't you.

If you want to keep American airports safe from the orc menace (as this elf appears to be doing) that's awesome, but no giant squares-on-a-stick in the room, ok? Not only will I undoubtedly trip over it, but it will get magic all over everything and then who has to vacuum? ME.

Here's to hoping you don't hunt your own game, wet the bed, or have a nickname like Skinless Jack.

xoxo Hannah

Dear Göteborg,

I now have a mode of transportation so give me a job already!

Places I have e-mailed in your lovely city that I might be qualifed for:

Worker at a museum gift shop

Subway location 1,2, and 3

Yes, Even Burger King

c'mon already, I'm trying to learn Swedish!
love love

M

Dear New Swedish Home

I adore you

love love

M

Men are from mars? No Shit.

Last night as the boy was tightly bundling me in blankets "like a burrito" as is my preference, he looked lovingly into my eyes and said "I hope you never find anyone weirder than me." He then gave me an affectionate bite on the chin, told me I looked like a mermaid, and retired to the living room to eat Lucky Charms for awhile.

Well dearest David, I can assure you I will never find anyone weirder than you and here is why:

1. I once came over to find you'd gone to Shopko and purchased just three things: mouse traps, string, and plastic sheeting. In a related story, yesterday we went to Walmart where I bought groceries. You bought tape for your label maker and a glass.

2.  You are a "do it yourselfer", but not the kind of DIY stuff that most people do like fixing the sink or installing fashionable handles on their cupboards. That shit's way too mainstream, and might also require some sort of appropriate tool or supply that you do not have the skill to whittle or mold out of stray paper clips and would therefore have to BUY. But when it comes to making cat scratching posts, candles, or make-shift surround sound systems, you're pretty good.  Not so sure about your "wall of cereal boxes" idea, but hey, we'll see.

3. Scenario: I'm vacuuming the living room and I come across a ball of tin foil. What to do? Anywhere else I'd just throw it out and no one would know the difference, but since I'm at your place I now have to consider a whole set of different scenarios: was this your special tin foil? Are there any precious memories attached to it? Was it one of the main components of that nuclear reactor you were working on and I am simply to ignorant of such things to notice the perfect folds that must have taken you hours to complete to precision? At this point I usually just put the tin foil in the box with the mouse traps and the string and decide to ask you about it later.

4.You may call the sheet that hangs from your ceiling a "room divider" but we all know what it really is... a fort.

In conclusion 

Ladies and Gentlemen: before you start complaining about how annoyingly weird your significant other is because he doesn't put the silverware in the right spots in the drawer, listens to talk radio, or behaves in some equally "incomprehensible" way, I hope you'll think about me and give the guy or gal a break.

David: You'll never be normal. But I love you anyway.

xoxo Hannah

Overheard at the Lake

"I got to hold the rooster and I TOUCHED ITS WADDLE!" -Mom

"No! Dr. Seuss was definitely an alcoholic because my librarian told me that once... or maybe that was Edgar Allen Poe."- Ellyn (because they had such similar writing and life styles)

"What would you do if I woke up at 4a.m., chopped down all the trees in the area, and dropped them on the cabin?"- Zack 

"I'm principled, rare, refreshing, squeaky clean... and horrifying."- Ellyn

"Which one was quieter, Antarctica or Anne Frank?"-Ellyn on the phone with Ryan, Anne Frank won out

xoxo Hannah

Quick Synopsis of July

I haven't written in awhile, so I'll use this opportunity to give a quick synopsis of the past month:

Early July, Mariah and Tim the German come to visit: The reunion was quite dramatic with each of us running to the clock tower from three geometrically equidistant points concluding with a group hug in the middle. It was both heartwarming and oddly graceful.

Then we went to Perkins & frolfed, the latter meaning we threw frisbees at nets for those of you who don't know. Oh, and we did that part at a park and not at Perkins. FYI.

Late July, Mom and Ellyn come to visit: We went tubing down the painfully slow Chippewa River, which would have been slower had we not made Ellyn and some random kayakers tow us much of the way. Ellyn took the time to reflect upon all the things she does for us on a daily basis such as "saving us from skin grafts, big fish, seaweed, and men."
Mom, ever the responsible parent, was sure to remind Ellyn not to put the lighter from the car in her mouth because she saw someone get burned that way in a movie. Then we devised a pilot for a gameshow called "What's on your Butt?" where contestants compete to discover what out of a selection of objects is on their butt.

Early August, The Boy's Bro's wedding: I wore a pretty dress, The Boy looked positively dapper in his tux, and I pulled something in my hip getting low low low low low low low low. Good times.

Today: I changed a diaper so bad that it brought tears to my eyes and gave me the hiccups.


xoxo Hannah