If your beef stroganoff smells like poop, watch out because someone probably pooped in it.

My dearest darling Mariah,

 I miss you in the way a bird would miss flying or a river would miss being wet if there were a drought or something. That is a lot of missing.

Today I raced a mentally disabled man to the library. I don't know if he knew we were racing, but I beat him anyway and the whole time I was thinking of you. I was also thinking of other things like what kind of cake I like best and who do I know that would have a bike pump and why do hands look so weird, but in the forefront of my mind was an image of you. 

As we all know Mariah, relationships are built on honesty and trust and that is why I feel I must make this confession to you: I watched the Star Trek movie last night and I enjoyed it. A lot.  I especially liked that part where there were aliens and a big red ball and Spock got mad. That part was great. Please don't think less of me.

Perhaps we can convene in Hayward some weekend? My birthday is coming up in a month and you need to buy me a present. Here are some ideas:

*Money

* Plane ticket to Sweden

* A tiger

*A golden bike pump

* My very own asian baby

*New boots

* A heart (to replace the one that broke when you left me)

Hopefully I shall see you in the near future. Meanwhile I will see you every night... in my dreams...

xoxo Hannah

Dear Hannah,

Now that school is done I have a void left by you that is impossible to fill.
In true Hannah fashion, I shall list things that I need you for.

1.) Turning the lamp off. It's just not the same having to get out of bed to turn it off. You are my arms, dear friend, arms that are capable of bringing light into my life and of taking it away. (metaphorically and quite literally)

2.) Being messy. You see Hannah, now I share a room with my sister who is quite neat, very much unlike you. I miss anally putting your clothes in the closet and shutting your drawers. (This sounds like I literally use my butt to do these things rather than 'anally' as in obsessively, sorry for the gross misunderstanding)

3.) Poop jokes. Yes Hannah, I miss you and your poop humor.

4.) Everything Hannah, my love. I so very miss you already! You are one of my dearest friends and I will never forgive you if I don't see you this summer.

Love Love,

Mariah (your ex roomie and secret admirer, and I mean that in the creepiest way possible)

Suck On This Grey's Anatomy

Dear Friends,

This weekend has been rough to say the least.

On Friday I felt so awful that I even (gasp)... skipped biology lecture! After my 8:00 a.m. lab of looking at plants I decided to go back to my room and curl up in a ball. When I finally got there I was welcomed by Hannah who was sorting her bathroom stuff on the floor. She told me I didn't look so good.

Story of my life.

To make a long draining story short, I passed out on the floor for a few seconds from which Hannah concluded was from either menstrual cramps or a middle ear infection (she webmd me). I felt better but then it got worse and I started to hyperventilate and my arms and legs went numb. I don't remember much but Hannah got our RA and they called 911.

I remember the most manly EMTs came, strapping young men who got me on a stretcher and into the ambulance. Hannah said I yelled at them. I'm sorry hot men.

I got to the hospital and the IVs started to kick in and I felt better!
I was living the life. Being fed through tubes, watching The Daily Show on tv, and sipping on cranberry juice cocktail while lounging in a hospital gown and socks. The nurse said I reminded her of her daughter, one of the manly EMTs came back and visted me, the doctor was the hottest one I've ever seen. It wasn't that bad.

Hannah came up to bring me my shoes and to sit with me until they let me go after my blood tests. She even got to drink my Sprite and enjoy the life. Although I did look like a crazy person with an ID on, IV in my arm, a very revealing hospital gown on, smeared makeup and messy hair, accompanied by hospital socks. Awesome!

Finally they let me go and concluded I was dehydrated and blah blah, I really don't know.

I do know that that hospital breeds hotties and hey, I didn't have to go to TWO classes.

Life's a beach.

Love Love,
M

p.s. Martin, darling, you are the manliest of the men and the hottest of the hotties. I love you.

A Parade of Child Unemployment

Today on Water Street a parade was being held. I didn't know what it was for, but my imagination decided that it had something to do with a bunch of children being unemployed. Here are some of the things I saw:

I saw this poor, tiny, tiny chef forced to sell his wares on the street.

And there was this thing.

This baby stared down the crowd, as if he could sense each one of our individual faults and it disgusted him. That was a very ominous baby.

Moments after this picture was taken, their eyes locked and the child was devoured in such a flurry of ravenous excitement that nothing was left but scraps of polyester and a single bloodied tennis shoe.

If CHILDREN can't even hold jobs, what hope is there for the rest of us? 

xoxo Hannah

Dear Readers,

I'm very sorry if you were offended by my PDA in the last letter.

Give me a break, Nanny 911 last night was very sad and I was just feeling completely sentimental.

I promise to return to my bitchy self starting now. I mean yesterday Mormons tried to convert me on campus, that made me pretty bitter. A nerd also mouthed "hi" to me. Pissed I was.

Now I didn't sleep and I have to go on a "field trip" outside to look at... plants.

Ok, back to angry self.

Love Love,

M

Dear Martin ( a love letter),

I remember the very moment I fell in love with you. It was the same time you walked in the room for the first time.

Jag älskar dig

Now look how far we have come. We went from never knowing if we would ever see each other again to moving in together.

It's one thing to imagine moving across the ocean, leaving everything you know behind for love, and a very different one to act upon that idea. I told you everything happens for a reason and if we were patient good things would come our way.

So here we are.

Life is a series of coincidences, and I have enjoyed every one that has brought me closer to you.

It hasn't been easy. I have been mean. I have been insensitive. I have been selfish. I have reached terrible lows without you here with me and it is still not over.

but you, darling, you have been perfect. You have been kind and gentle, and so very patient with me. You are beautiful.

I truly believe you were made for me. I mean who else could get my jokes and deal with my incredible stubbornness? You mean everything to me.

Who knows what the future will bring, but I know I won't fear it as long as you are there holding my hand all the way.

I love you till the end.

Mariah

Dear Cecilia,

I miss you.

You are in China and this greatly bothers me for a number of reasons.

1.) You are even further away from me than when you are in Sweden.

2.) China will overtake America economically, and as an American, I dislike this.

3) I worry about your well being since I know from personal experiences, I'm always hungry only an hour after eating Chinese food.

4.) China likes Cuba. (not that I dislike Cubans, but my government has it pretty well spelled out)

5.) I hear they don't have pretzels in Asia, from my Japanese friend, and pretzels are my favorite food.

6.) I'm worried you look like a circus freak among the Chinese people.

7.) two words: BIRD FLU

8.) Youtube is censored in China and you cannot watch the Naked Swedish Crispbread dancers

9.) You have no conception of time zones and you always end up calling me at 6 a.m. my time drunk with techno music blaring.

10) Did I mention you are far away from me?

As a child I was led to believe if I dug a hole deep enough I would end up in China, I wish I never grew out of that mindset.

We need to fix this situation soon because I need you when I'm in Svenksa land as my cultural interpreter.

Come home to me friend.

Love Love

M

Oh the Perils of 5th Grade

Today I was reading an informational pamphlet my 9 year old sister wrote about her favorite cause, going green. I was soaking up all the information about recycling and saving energy- I was surprised to learn that "in the old days energy wasn't invented yet and so there was no pollution."- when I started thinking. Not just about how great it would be to go back to the carefree days before man created all this damn energy, but also about how I was at her age and how different my worries are now. Thankfully I'd brought the journal I kept in the 5th and 6th grade with me to college, just in case I felt reminiscent. Here are some highlights:

Most Embarrassing Moment

 "Oh my God! Mom was dropping me off at school and I got my BOOT stuck in a BUCKET! It was the worst thing EVER!"-  Age 10 

To think there was a time when the absolute worst, most shaming thing that could happen to a kid was to get their boot stuck in a bucket. Is that even bad? Judging from my use of capital letters and exclamation points, it was.

Current most embarrassing moment: In 7th grade geography my pad leaked profusely through my khaki pants, everyone saw, and I hid in the bathroom till my Dad came to bring me new clothes. I don't think anything could make me feel more embarrassed than that.

Nickname

In 5th grade it was decided by a lunchroom council that everyone in my group of friends should have a code name, presumably so we could communicate with each other secretly while also sounding really, really cool. I was told my name would be "Sketch" because "I am really good at drawing." 

Oddly enough, nowadays I instinctively avoid people named Sketch. 

Biggest Annoyance

"(my sister) Ellyn is such a BRAT! Every time she starts a fight I get blamed for it because I'm older.... She threw a spoon at me!"- Age 10

Ellyn would later graduate from spoons to measuring cups, to a sloppy joe before we realized that we didn't really know what we were fighting about and became friends. I haven't had any kitchen utensils thrown at me for quite some time.

Current Biggest Annoyance: The fact that today I bought a box of pop tarts and immediately felt the same way that I would if I splurged and purchased a $200 sweater. I'm so poor.

xoxo Hannah