I'm Not Dead

Nor did I fall asleep for 3 months and wake up with a beard covered in ice (although this is what it would look like if I did.)

If any of you were waiting anxiously to hear the latest updates about my ever exciting and drama-filled life, don't worry, you haven't missed anything. Basically it's been cold and I spent most of the past few months wandering around my home in a pink Snuggie, talking to my cat, and eating Indian take-out. Still, I guess I owe you, so I'll fill you in on the most important details of my winter thus far:

1. I have a new roommate! Her name is Jamie and at 9:15 every night we eat chips, and salsa, and cookies. We like to watch shows about prison and are planning to tour one some day, just for fun. She can do the splits and she doesn't like peanut butter. This is what we look like together in a fall-type setting.

2. I got my picture taken in one of those booths at the mall.

3. I got a really bad sinus infection and I had to go to the doctor and get some shots but it was ok because they gave me a sucker.

That is pretty much it. It is one of my New Years resolutions to keep up with this so I will be better this year.

xoxo Hannah

An exciting day.

Today I did some stuff. Here is some stuff that I did:

1. Accepted a new addition into my family.

Humphrey the fish died last night after 1.5 years of faithfully guarding my room from intruders. I purchased his replacement today. Meet Lucius: he is a male beta and his hobbies include swimming, attacking, and sitting in one place. His favorite meal is Betamin color-enhancing flakes with a side of his own poop. We love him.

2. Saw this thing. WTF.

3. I bought ice skates today, and even though the very notion of a group of people moving at fast speeds on a slippery surface with sharp metal attached to their feet makes me quiver with fear, I intend to use them. There are two reasons for this:

1) I have not yet heard of anyone who has had a limb cut off or been permanently

disfigured by ice skates so I think maybe I can escape with just a few scratches or a

broken finger or two.

2) If I don't go Jamie will yell at me.

xoxo Hannah

Superpoop Wednesday!

Courtesy of Drew at Superpoop.com, my inspiration when it comes to putting witty captions on photos. Enjoy.

superpoop.com

superpoop.com

xoxo Hannah

A Philosophical Rant

There are some in this world who would call me cynical, even negative. They'd probably tell you that it is people like me, with my disgustingly realistic views of society that keep us all under the iron clad grip of "The Man."

"How dare she suggest that we can't all return to a solely farming and trading economy and live in perfect harmony without the constraints of money or government? Has she no soul!?"

Well you know what? I do have a soul, and you can suck it. My proverbial cup may not be overflowing with mythical creatures and children's glee like yours is, but it is at least half full with something most* of the time.

I like to think of myself as less of a habitual dream crusher and more of a realist. If you can somehow make a reasonable case as to how synchronizing our thoughts into one universal consciousness is a practical solution to gang violence I would love to hear it. If you could incorporate a Powerpoint and bar graph into your presentation I would be even more impressed. However until you can work some sort of logic into your idealism, I will be forced to filter all communication I receive from you into the "whiny middle-class white kid who took an introductory philosophy class" folder in my brain.

* Sometimes I am legitimately a bitch. :)

xoxo Hannah

We Always Have Time for Nerd Pictures.

I'm sure we've all wondered at some point in our lives, "What is that kid in marching band thinking right now?" I'm happy to tell you we now have the technology to find out.

Who needs a shirt when you have jazz hands like this?

Guess who's the black sheep in this family? But to be fair, the cats are actually bombs.
When it's love, you just know.

Thank you to awkwardfamilyphotos.com for cataloguing these gems and for consistently distracting me from doing any actual work.

xoxo Hannah

Don't let This Happen to You.

Circumcisions, the existence of North Dakota, unemployed children... over the past year we here at Yu Baina Gangsta have made up and then raised awareness for many important causes. And even though we've surely filled our good Samaritan quota for life, we're far from finished!

November is officially "Stubbed Toe Awareness Month" so break out the champagne, tape some protective padding around the sharp corners of your furniture and prepare to be made aware.

Did you know that stubbed toes effect over 800 million people* EVERY DAY? That is more people than circumcision and North Dakota combined! Doing the math, that means every year 10 in 10 people are victim to this horrible condition. In layman's terms, that is every person in the entire world** . The stubbed toe menace spares no one; small children, pregnant women, dogs, everyone is susceptible. Even you.

Now you might be thinking "So what? I've gone to parties, smoked some grass, stubbed my toe. Big deal. Nothing bad is going to happen to me!"

That is where you would be wrong. Repeated toe stubbing may lead to fractures, misalignment of toes, impaired balance, and eventually death***. Is that what you want?

Stubbed toes are here. They are in your house, at your work, and in your children's schools. Be aware, wear supportive shoes, and watch where you and your loved ones are going.

xoxo Hannah

*estimated

** people without toes excluded from survey

*** from falling due to poor balance

Notes (You Know you've Missed Me)

1. Dear Shrubs: trip me once, shame on me. Trip me twice and I will take a picture of you, and then add degrading captions to it.

2. Dear Wesboro Baptist Church:

In recognition of your tireless work in the field of shameless douchebaggery even in the face of violence, ridicule and sunlight, I say unto you : Right back atcha bitches!

P.S. nice shades.

3: Dear laundry,

Do yourself. Kthanx.

Much love,

xoxo Hannah

Dear New Roomie,

I've got no idea what you are like and I'm sure we'll be great friends,

but I found this picture today and immediately prayed it wasn't you.

If you want to keep American airports safe from the orc menace (as this elf appears to be doing) that's awesome, but no giant squares-on-a-stick in the room, ok? Not only will I undoubtedly trip over it, but it will get magic all over everything and then who has to vacuum? ME.

Here's to hoping you don't hunt your own game, wet the bed, or have a nickname like Skinless Jack.

xoxo Hannah

Dear Göteborg,

I now have a mode of transportation so give me a job already!

Places I have e-mailed in your lovely city that I might be qualifed for:

Worker at a museum gift shop

Subway location 1,2, and 3

Yes, Even Burger King

c'mon already, I'm trying to learn Swedish!
love love

M

Dear New Swedish Home

I adore you

love love

M