Paleness, Poop and Pervs: The Three P's of Summer

1. Paleness- It is nearly July, yet no matter how earnestly I attempt to gain some sort of pigmentation, my alabaster skin reflects all incoming sunlight. When I stand on the beach I look like a great, pale beacon guiding ships to a safe harbor. Seriously. This picture is not doctored. Yes, even the text was originally there.

2. Poop:

In a matter of 5 hours the three and two year olds I nanny for managed to collectively poop  8 separate times.  That is 2 for one kid and a remarkable 6 for the other. And these were some serious bowel movements. A sucky day to change diapers for sure, but I must say I was also a bit intrigued as to how such small bodies could hold such gratuitous amounts of shit whilst still maintaining enough room for things like... I dunno... lungs.  What. the. shit. 

3. Pervs:

Turkey Guns, for those of you who remember him from my previous post about 60 year old pervs who piss me off, asked me out. Well, he told me I was hot and asked if I'd like go to his farm sometime and look at his bomb shelter. How romantic. Suffice to say I declined.

xoxo Hannah 

Summer Loving

Dear Beautiful People,

Yesterday was a gorgeous day in lovely Wisconsin, followed by a lovelier day today.

Why, you ask, is today so great? Well... because YOU, yes YOU, darlings, can follow me on Twitter!

https://twitter.com/MariahMPhillips

This is way easier to update since I only need like a sentence.


mmmwaaa

Love Love,

M

Oh future home

Well hello my darlings,

It has been too long. I thank Hannah for keeping you all interested, whomever you may be.
I'm going to be better about writing.

So about 2 more months till the big move to Sweden! I'm so scared but so very excited at the same time. I've been working on my Swedish skills although Martin says it's not enough. :(

I'm really wondering how I'm going to adjust the new culture. Today, for instance, is Midsommer in Sweden. Martin plans to dance around a maypole symbolizing a penis (no judgments) for the holiday of fertility.

I'm an American, an American from Wisconsin. We don't dance around penises. We don't really even say that word.

Tim the German is right, I'm a prude, but s that such a bad thing?

Love Love
M

From the Mouths of Babes

I've been pretty busy with my new job working at a daycare all week. When I'm not hard at work sorting out arguments about the Transformers with 5 year olds, one of my favorite activities is eavesdropping on the private conversations of our nation's youth. Here are some choice quotes. P.S. I don't have a suitable picture for this post so enjoy this one of me and a really big butterfly I found.

7 year old girl to fellow 7 year old- "I told my mom that Icthyitis is a skin disease that causes scaling... but she just said 'Heather, this is AMERICA!'" (Goddamit Heather! George Bush didn't found this country so we could itch!)

4 year old boy- "Pooping sure takes a lot out of you."  (Both metaphorically and literally)

Little girl, thoughtfully after taking a bite of her sandwich- " I wonder what Jesus is doing right now?" ( It is 1:42 PM so Jesus must be grocery shopping. At 2:30 he plays Pictionary.)

xoxo Hannah

Things that Should Appologize- June Edition

1. Vader:

I'm trying to decide whether you have a bladder infection or are just a douche bag. I'm leaning towards douche bag... a tiny, furry, adorable little douche bag.

2. "Fry Bread"  and "Turkey-Guns":

Both of you are FUCKING WEIRD. And considering some of the people who frequent the Cafe, that's saying something. Stop talking to me. Fry Bread,  You are a sad, pathetic man who can't find a woman his own age, and I will never never never never never go out with you ever never never ever. I think I am supposed to feel sorry for you, everyone else does, but whenever I see your face and the gross way you walk, I just want to stab you in the face with a hammer. Whether that threat makes any sense is irrelivant... when there is a hammer in your face.

And Turkey Guns, yes that is the only nickname we could come up with- Turkey because you won't shut up, and Guns because you are the kind of man who would open fire on an abortion clinic. I don't give a fuck about how you grow squash and I most definitely will NOT help you sell bomb shelters door to door. Who the fuck would buy a bomb shelter from a door to door salesman anyway? WTF? And how dare you show up at Taco Johns today and try to explain to me what Taco Tuesday is as if I'm some kind of uncultured moron who doesn't understand the value of 99 cent tacos. God damn fascist.

3. Children:

You guys are cute and all, but could you be a little cleaner? Maybe not eat paint? And wash your own dishes? And if it's not too much trouble perhaps you could just stop all that pooping? And while you're at it, hell, let's just cease the peeing as well, huh? Because honestly, and don't be offended because I think you're great, this whole "going to the bathroom" thing is gross and  it has to stop. It makes you smell bad and it means I have to change a diaper which is not really that fun for me, has to be awkward for you, and just basically no one is having a good time. Your pooping ruins my fun. There, I said it.

Dear Future Roommate,

The sheet they sent me says that you are from the same small town as my dear Mariah. I asked her if she had heard any horrible things about you, but she hadn't. She hadn't heard anything at all about you actually, but I googled you and since no headlines about serial rapists, contagious diseases, or pooping popped up, I have decided to be cautiously optimistic.

Since we are to share a tiny, confined space for at least 4 months, here are some helpful tips to help us get along better:

1. Please try your very hardest to stay in peak mental and physical condition. I will occasionally hide in corners and jump out at you unexpectedly to test your reflexes.

2. Have a sense of humor. Can you do a good Sarah Palin impression? What is your stance on poop jokes? Do you know the lyrics to and appreciate the comic genius of the Altoona Family Restaurant song? Please review these items over the next few months.

3. Don't be a skank. If I witness you having sex in our room, I cannot be held liable for throwing up in your backpack, in your dresser drawer, and probably also on your bed although I may need to take a break to eat something in between.

4.  Hygiene: it's not just important, it feels great too. 

If you have any weird quirks like allergies, phobias, or words that trigger psychotic outbursts, do let me know ASAP. I'd like to be prepared before hand.

xoxo Hannah