Christmas Quotes

Because we are Godless heathens, Christmas with my family has always been less of a religious experience and more of a celebration of our collective eccentricities. My father and boy cousins spent most of the day playing Rockband in the basement, Einstein got a bath, and Mom spent a lot of time reading her new abnormal psychology textbook so that she could better analyze the lot of us. Here are some choice quotes from the last few days.

"(Mary) was pushing the Lord and Savior out her vag today, what did you do? Cook?"- Uncle Pete

"This fence is dangerous because someone could walk over and plant a bomb!"- Luke (age 7) while sledding

"I've farted 160 times in my cat Morgan's face, 280 times in my dog Leo's face, and 320 times in my fish's face."

"How did you manage to fart in your fish's face?"

"It's easy! Every time I clean his tank..." A typical conversation between Luke and I

"When I grow up I am going to be either a massage therapist... or an assassin." Luke (this kid is good with the quoting)

"And then the Lord decreed, "Thou shalt not farm bears."

"Jesus was raised by Vikings." Ellyn explaining why the Bible missed 30 years of Jesus's life

xx00 Hannah

MMMBoy

Dear Reader(s),

Life is boring in Northern Wisconsin.
Things did:

Went to Rice Lake to horrible mall for fear of staying home and gaining weight

Ate Fast Food, Weight gain imminent

Taught my brother about Jews

Spelled 8 bajillion animal names for book to keep brother entertained. Failed miserably when spelled buffalo wrong

Talked to Martin Andersson

Watched Pearl Harbor

The End

Love
M

Another Love Letter

Dear Pumpa,

9 days

Love,

M

A Love Letter

To the loves of my life (this one is for you),

I feel like we have been out of touch. Like pebbles on the beach, I too find myself drifting away into the blue abyss sometimes, but as always, I find my way back again. It has been too long loves and my heart yearns for your company. I feel the need to catch you up on my journey in this world.

When I was reading hannah's letter to life, I realized I too, needed to express my feelings through letter format. This semester has gone by so fast it is scary. I was feeling quite sentimental last night looking at pictures from school. I have had some very good friends leave me this semester. Suwda, the Asian love of my life, has gone to a far away land called North Dakota, where only God knows what sorts of dreams can come true there. Tim the German, as his title leads one to believe, will be going back to the land of Schnitzel and beer and Hannah, well she has gone home to the exotic land of Madison. I feel I need to appreciate the things in my life more, hence this love letter.

To Humphrey Bogart and Jamie Bond,

I am so glad that I have had the chance to adopt you as my own. You have changed my life. The flip of your fins sends tears down my face. You are growing up so fast. I remember the first day I walked into Petco and witnessed your mommies pick you out of all of your friends. It was a beautiful thing. I am so lucky that Hannah has decided to let you two spend Christmas with me. My life is full of joy when I clean your tank and feed you your color enhancing pellets. May you have all the happiness in the world.

To the Author of Scheisse! The REAL German You Were Never Taught In School,

From the moment I set eyes on your precious gift to me, I was in love. No other book has brought such happiness to me in German form. I am forever indebted to Johannes for bringing your blissful being into my life. Your treasure will bring me happiness on my sadest days and joy in those lacking there of. If only I could tell you how much it means to me to know how to say the f word in three different ways. May your cup overflow with joy.

To My Mt. Rushmore Tshirt,

Never have I found such company that I would constantly want to have you this close to my heart. You have brought a sense of uniqueness only observed by the bearded lady at the circus. I enjoy the attention that is focused on me since you were placed in my hands. For more than five years now we have been together and you have not only presented me with the pride of honoring four great men by wearing them across my chest, but you have also brought me comfort in knowing I can still fit into you beautifully. George, Theodore, Thomas, Abraham, I love you from the bottom of my heart.

To You Dear Reader,

Know that I love you, whoever you may be. Although I am often rude and insensitive, please know that I understand you may have feelings. Now please, have a very merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, non-holiday, new year.

All the love in my heart,
M

Dear Stress, F U. Love, Hannah

Can't a girl play a simple game of Scrabble without having to help lug a strange German no one knows, nearly brain dead from a mysterious drug, to the hospital at 4 in the God Damn morning? Whilst having to deal with finals, Christmas shopping, and losing a roommate/werewolf (miss you Suwda baby!), you'd think that the Gods of Unloading Heaps of Shit on People could find it in their cold, black hearts to give a girl a bit of a break on a Friday night. But NOOOOO, that would be too easy. 

Anyway, in light of current events, and since the end of the semester is upon us, here are a few of the most important lessons I have learned in my first semester of college:

1. Never underestimate the intoxicating power of Absolut.

2. It is possible to subsist for months soley on turkey subs and Dr. Pepper. You probably shouldn't, but you can.

3. Kittens are the best therapy.

4. Find people to stand by you and hold on to them with all your heart. Mariah, Suwda, and David, I could not have survived without you.

5. Mellow Yellow is "a lifestyle, not a beverage." But Mountain Dew is

 still better.

6. "Friends keep score." 

7. Sometimes first impressions are wrong. Take people as they come and be pleasantly surprised. 

8. Family is super imortant.

9. Magic The Gathering is the single worst thing to happen to humanity. It is like heroin for nerds.

 

And of course, the most important of all lessons, the one statement I shall base the core of my existance on for the rest of my life (or at least for the whole of next semester):

10. At the heart of every crisis, somewhere, if you look hard enough, there is a German.

xoxo Hannah