Dear New Roomie,

I've got no idea what you are like and I'm sure we'll be great friends,

but I found this picture today and immediately prayed it wasn't you.

If you want to keep American airports safe from the orc menace (as this elf appears to be doing) that's awesome, but no giant squares-on-a-stick in the room, ok? Not only will I undoubtedly trip over it, but it will get magic all over everything and then who has to vacuum? ME.

Here's to hoping you don't hunt your own game, wet the bed, or have a nickname like Skinless Jack.

xoxo Hannah

Dear Göteborg,

I now have a mode of transportation so give me a job already!

Places I have e-mailed in your lovely city that I might be qualifed for:

Worker at a museum gift shop

Subway location 1,2, and 3

Yes, Even Burger King

c'mon already, I'm trying to learn Swedish!
love love

M

Dear New Swedish Home

I adore you

love love

M

Men are from mars? No Shit.

Last night as the boy was tightly bundling me in blankets "like a burrito" as is my preference, he looked lovingly into my eyes and said "I hope you never find anyone weirder than me." He then gave me an affectionate bite on the chin, told me I looked like a mermaid, and retired to the living room to eat Lucky Charms for awhile.

Well dearest David, I can assure you I will never find anyone weirder than you and here is why:

1. I once came over to find you'd gone to Shopko and purchased just three things: mouse traps, string, and plastic sheeting. In a related story, yesterday we went to Walmart where I bought groceries. You bought tape for your label maker and a glass.

2.  You are a "do it yourselfer", but not the kind of DIY stuff that most people do like fixing the sink or installing fashionable handles on their cupboards. That shit's way too mainstream, and might also require some sort of appropriate tool or supply that you do not have the skill to whittle or mold out of stray paper clips and would therefore have to BUY. But when it comes to making cat scratching posts, candles, or make-shift surround sound systems, you're pretty good.  Not so sure about your "wall of cereal boxes" idea, but hey, we'll see.

3. Scenario: I'm vacuuming the living room and I come across a ball of tin foil. What to do? Anywhere else I'd just throw it out and no one would know the difference, but since I'm at your place I now have to consider a whole set of different scenarios: was this your special tin foil? Are there any precious memories attached to it? Was it one of the main components of that nuclear reactor you were working on and I am simply to ignorant of such things to notice the perfect folds that must have taken you hours to complete to precision? At this point I usually just put the tin foil in the box with the mouse traps and the string and decide to ask you about it later.

4.You may call the sheet that hangs from your ceiling a "room divider" but we all know what it really is... a fort.

In conclusion 

Ladies and Gentlemen: before you start complaining about how annoyingly weird your significant other is because he doesn't put the silverware in the right spots in the drawer, listens to talk radio, or behaves in some equally "incomprehensible" way, I hope you'll think about me and give the guy or gal a break.

David: You'll never be normal. But I love you anyway.

xoxo Hannah

Overheard at the Lake

"I got to hold the rooster and I TOUCHED ITS WADDLE!" -Mom

"No! Dr. Seuss was definitely an alcoholic because my librarian told me that once... or maybe that was Edgar Allen Poe."- Ellyn (because they had such similar writing and life styles)

"What would you do if I woke up at 4a.m., chopped down all the trees in the area, and dropped them on the cabin?"- Zack 

"I'm principled, rare, refreshing, squeaky clean... and horrifying."- Ellyn

"Which one was quieter, Antarctica or Anne Frank?"-Ellyn on the phone with Ryan, Anne Frank won out

xoxo Hannah

Quick Synopsis of July

I haven't written in awhile, so I'll use this opportunity to give a quick synopsis of the past month:

Early July, Mariah and Tim the German come to visit: The reunion was quite dramatic with each of us running to the clock tower from three geometrically equidistant points concluding with a group hug in the middle. It was both heartwarming and oddly graceful.

Then we went to Perkins & frolfed, the latter meaning we threw frisbees at nets for those of you who don't know. Oh, and we did that part at a park and not at Perkins. FYI.

Late July, Mom and Ellyn come to visit: We went tubing down the painfully slow Chippewa River, which would have been slower had we not made Ellyn and some random kayakers tow us much of the way. Ellyn took the time to reflect upon all the things she does for us on a daily basis such as "saving us from skin grafts, big fish, seaweed, and men."
Mom, ever the responsible parent, was sure to remind Ellyn not to put the lighter from the car in her mouth because she saw someone get burned that way in a movie. Then we devised a pilot for a gameshow called "What's on your Butt?" where contestants compete to discover what out of a selection of objects is on their butt.

Early August, The Boy's Bro's wedding: I wore a pretty dress, The Boy looked positively dapper in his tux, and I pulled something in my hip getting low low low low low low low low. Good times.

Today: I changed a diaper so bad that it brought tears to my eyes and gave me the hiccups.


xoxo Hannah

Larry the guy from Cable

So the Northwoods' only celebrity came in last night to my lovely working establishment. Larry the Cable Guy, better known as the "Git-R-Done" man. (Google him if you don't know who he is). He is like the mecca of all Rednecks with unexpectedly pearly white teeth.

Drawback :He smells like my grandpa and he is.... well a redneck.

Love Love
M

p.s. I move to Sweden August 12!!!

Paleness, Poop and Pervs: The Three P's of Summer

1. Paleness- It is nearly July, yet no matter how earnestly I attempt to gain some sort of pigmentation, my alabaster skin reflects all incoming sunlight. When I stand on the beach I look like a great, pale beacon guiding ships to a safe harbor. Seriously. This picture is not doctored. Yes, even the text was originally there.

2. Poop:

In a matter of 5 hours the three and two year olds I nanny for managed to collectively poop  8 separate times.  That is 2 for one kid and a remarkable 6 for the other. And these were some serious bowel movements. A sucky day to change diapers for sure, but I must say I was also a bit intrigued as to how such small bodies could hold such gratuitous amounts of shit whilst still maintaining enough room for things like... I dunno... lungs.  What. the. shit. 

3. Pervs:

Turkey Guns, for those of you who remember him from my previous post about 60 year old pervs who piss me off, asked me out. Well, he told me I was hot and asked if I'd like go to his farm sometime and look at his bomb shelter. How romantic. Suffice to say I declined.

xoxo Hannah 

Summer Loving

Dear Beautiful People,

Yesterday was a gorgeous day in lovely Wisconsin, followed by a lovelier day today.

Why, you ask, is today so great? Well... because YOU, yes YOU, darlings, can follow me on Twitter!

https://twitter.com/MariahMPhillips

This is way easier to update since I only need like a sentence.


mmmwaaa

Love Love,

M

Oh future home

Well hello my darlings,

It has been too long. I thank Hannah for keeping you all interested, whomever you may be.
I'm going to be better about writing.

So about 2 more months till the big move to Sweden! I'm so scared but so very excited at the same time. I've been working on my Swedish skills although Martin says it's not enough. :(

I'm really wondering how I'm going to adjust the new culture. Today, for instance, is Midsommer in Sweden. Martin plans to dance around a maypole symbolizing a penis (no judgments) for the holiday of fertility.

I'm an American, an American from Wisconsin. We don't dance around penises. We don't really even say that word.

Tim the German is right, I'm a prude, but s that such a bad thing?

Love Love
M